Christmas 2008 WTF!!!

WTF!!! is going on?? My ex said the most hurting thing to me today, I was on my way to pick up my kids for Christmas and i got stuck in the snow, so i texted her and she texted me back and called me back that she is always dealing with their tears and i should fade away from them. WTF!!! I cant help mother nature, but the ex will always say i have an excuse, HOW THE FUCK am i suppose to get them when its snowing and the roads are closed??? Even if i did leave on time the snow has been coming down all day.....grrrrr So now what do i have?? No kids this weekend... Whats even worse is when i get home to call them the power goes out and all cel services were knocked out, i did manage to call on a land line but i left a message. And then all land lines went out. it wasnt till 12 midnight that they came back on. I dont understand, is she tying to get rid of me out of their lives? they love me they cried cuz i couldnt get them. She had to 'deal' with the tears cuz isnt that a normal mommy thing to do, but NOOO daddy caused it so hes evil and the kids shouldnt deal with him EVER. How does that solve anything? run away from your problems. I couldnt come get them sheesh and because of that im sent away like an evil person? FUCK!!! Then she yells at me cause i didnt pull over on the side of the road and call them, i was trying to get home safe and not get stuck in the snow then i was gonna call them. But NOOO she told them and who knows what she said to make them cry. It wouldve been simple if she said something that was true like daddy is stuck in the snow and i cant come get them, i even told zoe that is snowing and i might not make it. SO is the ex blowing things out of proportion?? Now she wont even let me talk to them. Then she gets off on making me feel like shit?? what kind of respectful person is that?? Yes im trying to make it on my own and yes i have obstacles to climb over but does she consider them NOOOO. Cuz she thinks my whole life is an excuse.

She want to move to Texas and get full custody for the kids.... why would anyone do that to their kids, take them away from thier father, oh wait she has a rich boyfriend that will give them anything they want. How does that show love? She has a chance to make herself happy, but at what cost. The kids moving away from their father and their grandma?? How is that solving anything. Im pissed and no one to express it to, what a cruel world and being alone isnt helping at all. Christmas 2008 will be my last worst Christmas ever. What am i suppose to do now, it seems she cant talk to me civil and she thinks everything i say is a disappointment to her and our kids. Wasnt i there just the other night and they were all over me like glue??? yes i havent been seeing them lately cuz they are always busy and i have no car, no money ..... I ask the kids to call me but they keep telling me mommy doesnt let us use her phone.

If she moves it will destroy our relationship, i wont be around for them and they cant see me as often, how is that a good thing?

Rinse and Repeat!!

If you really want something you should go for it, most of my life i wanted to go back to school, but never finished, i wanted to do that animation film but never did it, i wanted to travel but spent my money on small things that never amounted to anything. I wanted to a buch of stuff that just was pushed aside to never be touched again. It was the breaking up of my marriage to realize that i need to grab a hold of things and run with it. My relationship with Valkyrie was kind of my first attempt at it and well it ran its course and now its in limbo, but im not gonna stop there, i actually have gotten a job in this lousy economy and im putting forth my plan of things i want to accomplish with myself this year. My drive across the country was amazing, i was free to make the choice to pull off the road and just enjoy whats in front of me. I drove knowing that i could go anywhere. Why wasnt it like that in my marriage? Was i stuck not knowing where to go and worried about my wife than myself? People tell me it takes 2 to make a relationship work and then its a job. Ive been told my ex was really mean and i wasnt watching it. Things happen for a reason and maybe it wasnt meant to be, but you know what?? Im happier now and so is she. Yes i miss the companionship and the thought of someone waking up next to u or someone coming home to you and thinking about you, but my relationship with my ex was something else. More on that story later, but now im just wanting to go and do it, something i havent been able to do in a very long time. Later this year, ill have my trip to Venice and then ill be living by myself.

Tired continue later....

Good Times!!

My day was awesome, the show was great and the restaurant was amazing. Catalina wore this really tight black cocktail dress that almost made me drool, well deep inside my mind i was drooling, she was smoking hot. I dont think i have ever seen her in something like this. Its always have been summer clothes or very casual things, me i was wearing my nice interview get-up. hehehe Still GQ thou. For my 1st Broadway show ever going to, Wicked was certainly and attention grabber. We both enjoyed it and the nite was simply great. We ate before hand at the dumpling house and spent the day at the Observatory. I took her there long time ago and wanted to show her the new renovations that have been done since last time. We had a good time. A night i will never forget. There were times i wish Valkyrie would have made it. She would've had a blast, seeing Hollywood and eating at a delicious Dumpling house and LA from the observatory after a storm is great, no smog and you can see for miles. Someday she will.

I was talking to a friend about the most embarrassing story ever in your life. I remember the time at AM/PM gas station in Lancaster. My best friend was with me and i had to goto the bathroom really bad. So we stopped at the gas station and moments later i hoped back in the car and told him to gogogo!! He was thinking I robbed the place but in fact i left a mess in the bathroom..... Not one of my better days but i will laugh at it every time we tell the story.

You cannot click off how you feel.

Why do i get myself into these situations?? Im sitting here in my room waiting for my day to unfold tomorrow, shes in the shower rite now and im thinking the last time i spent the night with her was hmmm 13+ years ago??? Not exactly sure but i know it was our trip to Disneyland. HA!! i remember taking my dads truck for that date, i told him i would be back before 2am but we ended up staying and he was pissed :( Good times thou.... Now i had originally planned this trip for Valkyrie but for some certain events that have yet to be resolved she couldnt come. I asked some others to come also but it was juts hard for it being so close to the holidays. Then Catalina showed up and she is here for 3 weeks visiting her parents for the holidays. Hmmm, we have been thru so much these past months, yet we have been apart from each other for so long, i remember talking to my ex about past relationships and Catalina always came up as the one that got away. I think my ex was jealous of her at one point, i think that was the one time i was honest to her about an old flame. Not that i lied to her, just didn't tell her everything. Anyways, its just been strange hanging out with her again, she is funny and attractive. Very smart and very open to anything. Right now thou, the only thing holding me back about her is her dishonesty, and she knows it. Ive been fortunate enough to have had the chance to be open about my feelings and about my thoughts recently. Ive told her how she hurt me with the recent situation, and it will forever haunt me. But Ive managed to just be myself around her and have fun. Nothing more.

Continue this later....

Sunny and out in the snow!!

Wow!! did i get a workout shoveling the driveway today, so much snow and such a nice day. In Michigan, the days were long and the snow just sucked, so much of it and i couldn't go outside because it was dreary and well below 0 degrees. Today however the sun was shining and it was about 34ish, so shoveling wasn't bad and the day was great. I went for a walk and took some nice pictures.

Sigh..... so starting anew in this whole chase of a relationship has been interesting, the emotions that come and go have been rough and the thought of failure still looms, but not as much. Ive had the chance to do things recently with some interesting people. Some that were awesome, some there were mysterious and some that were totally insane that my morals and values had trouble keeping up. A very interesting moral to my dilemma came up today while i was watching TV. You can get bent all out of shape trying to hold back your feelings inside OR you can throw it back at someone and hope for the best. But when people realize that its better off if you weren't there then you know its time to move on. It was about a guy that had fallen in love with this gal, they hit it off really well and then they decided to get married, well that's when things came out about themselves they didn't really know, she left him at the alter and he was confused and upset. Weeks later his friends were worried about him and didn't know if he was angry or upset or just plain over it. The guy was just trying to forget it. Then he saw her and the feelings came back, of anger and curiousness of why she left. His friends egged him on to finish this chapter in his life and have some sort of closure. When he went to confront her she was happy and seemed to be moving on. He knew right then and there it was time for him to let go and move on himself. Its amazing what people can learn by watching TV, the many stories of people lives written into silly sitcoms or extravagant dramas, but most of them sort of mirror someones life in a way. Who knows if i ever get married again or find someone that i can truly be with. I have learned a lot over this past year about myself and i have taken that step into the unknown again, but this time i have a better understanding about things and what i want to accomplish.

That brings me to Valkyrie, is she is an amazing person, but was it just something we both needed at that time in our lives? Both of us coming off a bad relationship and needing someone to grasp onto? Exploring ourselves of what we thought we lost? It seemed to good to be true, but it kept going. I'm confused also, its almost coming to that TV story i was writing about earlier. I know she needs time to figure stuff out and i need to do things as well. Wow!! its just amazing how much i care for this person, i think about her everyday and hope she is OK. When do i need to let go? when do i realize that this might not be the thing for me and this will be what she needs to be happy? I told her i didn't want to hide my feelings anymore like i did in my marriage, I told her that this is me and I'm open now to what is going on. I didn't want to skip past something that might be wonderful. But then again this could be all coming from just me. Yes she has expressed some interest but I'm the one full blown over it. So yes i have been in that phase of waiting till what happens , happens. And i need to take care of myself at the same time. My conversations with her are becoming less and so has everything else. I guess I'm hoping for her to deal with her problems and see what will happen then. But how long that will take is the main mystery......

Some of my friends tell me to hold on while others say she will regret it. I guess what really matters is how she is. If she moves on and is happy with herself, then ill be happy too and there is my closure. I wish the best for her and if she is reading this then i hope she understands how i feel. oh wow!! after reading this im such a cry baby :P oh well ill live another day :)

Snow!!

Valkyrie!! hmmm still thinking of her....... Anyways these last couple days have been good, its nice to work again even thou im on a computer there training, the whole idea of getting up and going to work is stimulating. It did take me 45 min to get to work this morning and a hour to get home. Hmm the last time i had a job it was in Michigan and it took me 2 hours to drive 30 miles to work. But there i had a foot of snow everyday to contend with, here i have lousey snow drivers :( On my way home i saw 3 accidents of people in 4x4s or SUVs, how silly is that.

There is frickin 4-5 inches of snow outside right now!!! WTF!! hmmmm ok im done, i guess i'll go outside tomorrow and take pictures, ill show them my next blog.

Hmmmm

Heres a picture i designed for a story i wrote for a website, its my favorite picture, even thou its simple i like it!!

I'm not sure what to think about today. I talked to a friend that is having a really hard time right now about life, She is the sweetest person and is very open but everything seems to be coming down on her. It was really hard to keep her positive, but in the end i think i did make her smile and she thanked me. Does one believe in fate? or does one believe that things happen for a reason? It seems that things happen for a reason but only in a path that is by the way you decide to choose it. I was reading the synopsis of this book my friend Ledemure is reading Outliers: The Story of Success by Malcolm Gladwell. It shows how people succeed in life thru upbringing, culture and random luck, but most of all using practical intelligence.

Lately I have been watching How I Met Your Mother and for some reason im having a moment.... Almost like a life discovering moment. The latest episode i watched just makes me miss the old times i've had with my friends. They are always there for each other and always give frank advice. mehh

My List and WOW!!

Oh my, i started my job today!! Well it was orientation, and let me tell you it was kinda boring. After 10 years of customer service classes and tests, one might think there is something new to learn. Even in a little company as Blockbuster they still pushed customer service, so in my new job it was all the same stuff just different acronyms. It was fun thou, just tedious. Also it began to snow :( I really hate the cold weather and would love to live by the beach, its one of my goals next year to move to the beach.

My goals next year is as follows but not in any order:

1. Venice
2. Learn to Scuba
3. Cruise
4. Nice Road trip for the summer
5. 5K run
6. Move

There is another list on my Facebook, but we will see if that one will be fulfilled :P. Anyways my friend Mesa is trying so hard to get me back into playing WOW. She has been really fun to talk to and play with, I almost considered playing. Just my only drawback is I have to get a new computer and pay like $15 a month again..... something i dont have at the moment. It would be a money saver if i did, BUT it would spiral me back down into the abyss of non social communication. Well just it would be limited to only online interaction, which im kinda doing right now...... Grrr i cant go back, it was self damaging as it was soo. I still talk to a bunch of people stuff from when i played, in fact some are still great friends....

Its just me :)

Today I started playing with my Wacom Tablet, i wanted to make something for the articles I'm writing. Maybe a theme of some sort of maybe a comic strip, I'm not sure. But it was fun drawing again. It was something i did when i was in High school and till now it was something i rarely did when i was married. I'm not sure why, maybe i was just occupied with stuff. Now i like to draw and write and even run. I'm getting older and want to do more things before i can't anymore.

I was chatting with my friend Ledemure and I'm happy to say she is relieved that her companion of 7+ years is gonna be ok, she was really worried but now she is ok. It great how some people get so attached to their canine friends. They are almost the perfect thing to have around when yur sad and lonely, no matter what you tell them they will look at you and lick you and just be happy to be with you. Life cant be anymore simpler.

I start my new job this weekend, also its suppose to snow really bad on Saturday. I'm glad i get to get out now and work, i really didn't want to get into retail but it will due for now. As always ill work my ass off and make them proud and save my money so i can move. I am really looking forward to this.

As for what I'm feeling right now?? I went for a nice run today, I'm actually noticing that I'm lasting longer and stretching better, Ive been reading more and more online on preparations to running. I have noticed that i run longer distance when I'm on the flat roads, Duh john!! And my stomach is getting smaller :) No i just need to get a work out going to tone muscles and such. I always i think a lot when i run, my iPod is blaring with random music and the weather today was actually nice. I did think about where i want to move, I was offered to move to Texas, but I'm not sure i wanna move there. I wanna live by the ocean, Ive always loved the ocean and for the longest time my ex hated going there. so my visits were seldom. I even lived in Santa Barbara and we hardly went.... I'm due now. So life goal, Move to the beach, go to school and be happy.... oh and travel :)

Losing is a life experience, Learn from it

I lost a friend earlier this year to selfishness and not thinking straight. My best friend for nearly 29 years, He was the best man at my wedding and also i was his best man at his. We grew up together since kindergarten, i remember meeting him for the first time and we were inseparable, i remember coming home crying after that day, telling my parents that i was moved to the other side of the room because we would talk all the time in class. And this was the first day of school. I remember going to his house to spend the night and we would burn GI Joe guys together or play stomper cars in premade mazes. I remember getting scold at school for playing Dungeons & Dragons and holding role playing football games in the lunch area. Later on i moved to another school but we still kept in touch with each other. We both had old mustangs, i owned a 68 and he had a 65. After high school we moved into the same place and started our center of the universe with my other really good friend from work. We were still always doing stuff together, going to Vegas, driving to Oregon, spending the night in San Diego for the comicon. Trips to MorroBay and late night jaunts to Pac-man arcade in Pasadena. We had our downfalls too, many people came and gone thru our lives, we liked the same girls. Which tested our friendship greatly, and we had our disagreements. sooner or later we both found our matches and married the ones we loved. Still friends, we witnessed the happiest days of our lives. The weddings, the birth of our children and the yearly get together at my house for fun and games after thanksgiving. He was the brother i never had, my buddy and my friend.

2006-2007 i started my downward spiral, i began to push away my friends and my family. My depression was so bad i began to push myself away from everything. After my own family seemed to move on without me i felt alone and not wanting to live. I reached out for help to my friends and with their busy lives they can only offer so much support. My loneliness was setting in and couldn't bare it. My life was falling apart and no one was around to help me back up. Not even my wife. Anyways that story will be for another day.

I started to talk to my friends again after my rebirth into the world of the living. My best friend was kinda going thru some problems and i tried to help out as much as i can, but in doing so my morals and values stayed behind and my mouth dribbled and therefore i lost my best friend in the world. I look back today and wish it never happened, 29 years of great memories destroyed in a single email. I'm not even sure it can be amended but i know it will be a very long time till i can look him in the face again if ever. I betrayed our trust and crossed that line of friendship, I'm very sorry for what has happened, and no matter how much i apologize it will forever haunt me as the worst thing i have ever done. This was part of my rethinking life over as i was away, thinking before i act and doing what i need to do to make it better. I wish my friend the best of luck in his life, i know hes doing really well right now and its only getting better. Me i have my moments of loneliness but i manage and i have began to make new friends. I'm happier now more than ever but sometimes you miss the old times you had with your friends. I still talk to him every once in awhile but its brief and only online, even then i hesitate.

Like I said, I'm happy now. Ive made some really good friends and reconnected with some people i haven't talked to in a long time. Valkyrie has been really sweet and if it weren't for some certain situations i might even haven fallen in love with her. Catalina showed back up in my life and answered many questions, for better or worst she has always been kind and warm hearted. Temecula is funny and very open about things, she is great. M has also been there for me and so has LL and MR. Great people.

I hate it!!

I hate being alone, its not a good feeling to have. I tend to talk to my friends on Facebook or AIM quite a bit, just to not be bored. My car is broke at the moment so the random road trips have come to a halt. But on the good side i got a job, even thou its a small job, its a start. Maybe i can save up enough money so i can move.

My relationship with Valkyrie is taken a dive, not that its a bad thing. Its just something we have stuff to work out, but who knows what will happen in the future. Me im going on and i hope one day she will join me, but till then with this new job im about to embark on my great adventure. Hopefully its gonna be something i can handle, we will see. I wish the best for Valkyrie and i hope she finds what she is looking for. I offered her some things but i know her life is in an uproar rite now and i must step back. Which comes to my topic tonight, being lonely. I know i'll find someone eventually but till then the road is hard and the friends are few. I have been talking to Ledemure a lot lately, and her view on life is very interesting. I love her courage and her raw explanation of her emotions. And her love for a man that lives on the other side of the world shows she has strength and passion that i thought was lost in people. I enjoy talking to her and she has opened my eyes on some things, thank you.

Why does this happen?

You ever find something that was so remarkable and so compelling you must have it?? And as it just turns out to be an item that is out of reach for you? I've recently came across this, in September i found something that was so amazing that i must have it, not to the point of obsession but to have and to cherish because it made me happy. I was like a little boy getting that toy i always wanted for Christmas. Today i see this thing and every time i step forward to grab it, it moves back. Lately every step i take towards it, it takes 2 steps back. WTF!!! Hmmm i guess i wasn't meant to have it, just a glimmer of hope and maybe what the future may be? I have to wonder thou, how does one achieve this goal to hold onto this very object?? It beckons me to come and get it, yet it keeps going farther away. Will it eventually run out of space to walk away? Or should i just look for a more attainable goal?? I like what I'm going for now, but I'm not sure if my goal wants me to continue...

I'm just confused and very sad that it maybe way out of reach and it was just a tease in my journey. I did learn that i can make things happen, if i just go for it. What do i have to lose?? it wasn't there before, but now??? My mind is so random right now and I'm not sure what to think, i should just let it go and chalk it up to something not to do in the future, ya rite!!!

Now looking at the Indiana Jones picture makes me think, is my goal just a trap to make my adventure more interesting? should i grab it and run with it and not care about the consequences? should i leave it alone so i don't get hurt? hmmm

Heroes, where did they all go??

I remember growing up and playing basketball in Rosamond, along that same time i used to watch the Lakers and the Celtics go back and forth in playoffs with my dad, seeing Magic Johnson pass to James Worthy or Byron Scott and SLAMMM DUNK!!! I remember the Sky hook from Kareem and the tenacious play of Kurt Rambis, Michael Cooper and Michael Thompson. The early 80's was a time i wanted to be a basketball player. I didn't have a rim or a basket to shoot at but i still had my ball and would dribble it everywhere, I would pretend there was a hoop on the roof of the house and i would throw the ball up there and it would roll back and there was the pass to me. As i got older i finally got to play on a basketball team at the Junior high level, i was a tall kid so they picked me up right away. But my coordination was atrocious and even thou i could touch the rim i couldnt do much of anything else. My jersey number was 99, because at the time i enjoyed Hockey and Wayne Gretzkey was my favorite.

One of my heroes growing up was Michael Jordan, watching him play was always an inspiration to me. Even thou my favorite team was the Detroit Pistons The bad boys!! MJ would always have an amazing game and was entertaining to watch. He always had composure and drove his team to success. One thing as an icon to fellow players he never gave up, there were times he played while sick and even at the beginning of he career he prevailed thru an injury. Even thou MJ was very successful at what he did and is considered one of the all time best players in the NBA he still had many things to go thru to get to where he is today. I saw this Nike commercial today and it reminded me that he wasnt a perfect person but a person that wasn't afraid of trying over and over.

As we grow older our heroes begin to fade and we live off the memories we had, to overcome our daily obstacles. Its important to share the love and belief with our young ones so they can see what heroes are and what inspirational person they can look up to. It was hard for me this weekend to talk to my kids on the phone because they were preoccupied with the conversations they were having with my ex-wife boyfriend. I felt i was losing them to the enemy at the time. But if he can make them happy as i did then he can be someone that can show them that belief. Yes i am sad that im not there to be with them, but if i can give them the love that they need to grow then so be it.

Heres the commercial i saw.

New Mexico Huzzah!!!

The next state on my road to self discovery was New Mexico, I slept in my car after seeing the sunset on the painted desert so i hit NM around 2am, I found a random casino just inside the border and stopped off to gamble. To my surprise i won a $100 and then took like an hour nap. Dark outside and couldn't see anything i kept on driving till i hit the off ramp for route 66. I'd say driving thru there at 3am the place was still happening and most if not all the neon signs were still on from the low budget $20 a night motels. Gallup was a nice blast from the past town, kinda reminded me of radiator springs from Disneys Cars. Since most of my drive thru NM was at night or should i say early in the morning i missed one of the main attractions i wanted to see, the satellite array south of Albuquerque or Area 51, I did pull over during the night and watched the skys to pay homage to all them alien watchers out there.

My iPod and Me

On my run today i loaded up my iPod with random music an set forth on my mind clearing jaunt up here in the Tehachapi Mtns, my iPod.... I bought it long time ago, i think its the 2nd version that came out. You know the one with the battery problems and suppose to go wonkey on you after a couple months. Well not this sucker, it still has the original battery and maybe a little scrapes on the back but over the last 6 years i think it has played quite well. It almost servers as a good running tool, only because it weighs more than the newer iPods so that added resistance is trivial. Anyways im rifling thru my random songs, to listen to something that well keep me at a steady pace. I realized all my guttermouth isnt there or any nirvana but in its place were a bunch of sappy love songs..... Cranberries, Sarah Brightman and others, How odd is that??? I still had my Offspring and Pearl Jam so all hope wasnt lost.

Running has been a release lately from my daily grind on the computer. It gets my blood flowing and makes me think about whats happening with myself. What my goals should be and what i need to focus on. Running is good, took me awhile to start back into it but now its something i like to do.

In my adventures this past year i left my house on Jan 1st on a road trip that i will never forget. I started out with no destination and no goal, my life can down before me and i was in denial that fading away was my only choice. Depression works in mean ways to ones spirit, and it puts thoughts of suicide and doubt in your head. Leaving my home of 11 years and not knowing where to go seemed like the only choice at the time. My friends have gone off to start their own stories and during my episode i pushed them away. I was afraid to talk to my parents, only because i didnt want to show how much of a failure i was, again depression works in ugly ways. with a couple hundred dollars in my wallet i set forth on a journey that would now be the turning point in my life.

Fix You The Offspring

I think im getting too involved now, in the past before my marriage, i had many opportunities with people, there was Temecula, and Catalina, Sparangie, Whittier and a bunch more that i had relations with. Ive noticed that i have given my heart to quickly to them and sometimes it effected our relationship. Will i ever learn?? Thats what im thinking is happening to Valkyrie. I really need to stay back and let her life unfold and see what happens. I wrote her this email last night.

Furthering my investigation of this particular female, i have often wondered what is evolving in her head. When I first discovered this magnificent creature, her thoughts and emotions poured out greatly. Now she is silent and only whispers small and quaint actions. Has something arisen to take her attention from the very person that provided mental escape? During what seemed to be an endless amount of mental stimulation, this beautiful work of art has expressed so much and now she hangs in solitude from the very entity that provided hope. I know she is committed to an eternal bond but she is now looking for redemption an escape from a self built reality. Her dreams of passion and desire has been expressed and is looking for fulfillment. Well she find herself in this time of struggle? Will she want to continue her existence as a pawn in the game of life? Or does she wanna take that chance and escalate the very dreams of passion and hunger to quench that need. It seems that the sands of the hourglass are falling slowly as she ponders her next move for the ultimate Utopian life. Only one can imagine what dwells deep inside her head, and one can only dream what the outcome can be. I am afraid I have scared away this unique individual, and i cannot dare to dream what may happen, but hope that the celestial skies will bring that fate back together again. She has expressed words of wisdom to not be worried, but how does one contain the very heart and soul of caring for a falling victim. The mystery is in the actions of this female study, maybe she will shed light on her thoughts or the waiting game of patience will be my war with myself. Whatever the case may be, my dedication and commitment will be strong until i know there is no more hope for my journey of self assurance. Till then i will continue to observe from afar till the moment seizes itself and the eternal embrace is clear.

I hope things work out, but knowing my luck she will become a friend and that was something i tried to stay away from, well the whole brotherly friend type. I guess im just too nice when it came to her. But maybe that might be a good thing, we are pretty open with each other and do enjoy many of the same adventures, we will see....

Valkyrie needs food badly!!

This High School person I have met recently, to protect her name ill call her Valkyrie, We started to talk just like normal casual conversations, in October i wrote her this.

In my quest to discover the inner thinking of the opposite sex, i come across this interesting person Valkyrie. She has expressed kind and often warm sincerity and she also is understanding of the world around her. Her beauty is none to be reckon with and her form makes Venus de Milo jealous, a true work of art. Upon further investigation into her mind and soul, I find that she is very human and wants to be enlightened like everyone else. Her own path to self discovery has led her to the cliffs with only one way to go, But does she have it in her to move on and explore her own future or will she fall and experience the hurt and anguish of the bottom depths. She has the right idea and continues to build the wings to fly and be whole again. I'll help her as much as i can, and in doing so I will find my way in to my own heart and soul.

She really liked it and our conversations grew into more intense and rather erotic overtones. Some one that has the beauty and intellect as this was actually interested in me and i was overwhelmed by curiosity. Thru the month of October and most of november our titalating conversations explored the world of fantasies and sexual desires. Grant it we have never met each other in person it has amostly been thru emails. Till one day i was near her home town and wrote her to meet me. She was not around and when i finally did get ahold of her i was gone. the very next day i called her and our relationship went from emails and chats to actually talking to one another on the phone. This was an amazing step because we both clicked on the phone, it started in Novemeber i think. Anyways the next step is to see each other in person, that will be something else considering we have talked about lust and unrentless sex when that door opens. Will this become a reality? Only time will tell.

Hmmm, did i do it again??

Its been a long time since i wrote a blog, and even then i was writing about politics or even local events. I think now is my turn to write about me. Recently i have had the opportunity to talk to a person i never would have remotely talked to since i have known her. She was someone that had the popularity in high school that i couldn't even begin to think i was in the same category in. Its funny to me to think that in my high school days i was shy and not very out spoken. I played basketball and enjoyed my art so conversing with fellow classmates was not so much. Now im a little more outspoken and view life as a canvas. Anyways she was a person that was very pretty and always doing something, out of my league so i never bothered with the antics of trying to spark up a conversation or whatever. Also she was an upper classman. As time went on i've had my share of bad relationships and just ended my 10 year marriage with someone that just wasn't right for me in the long run. Now single and talking to all my old friends and feeling out the single life. I came across this person from high school and was curious if she would even remember me and would she even say Hi. To my suprise she was very happy to talk to me.

getting this started

I have read many blogs and alot of them always start out with hmmm how should we start this.

In my adventures this past year i left my house on Jan 1st on a road trip that i will never forget. I started out with no destination and no goal, my life can down before me and i was in denial that fading away was my only choice. Depression works in mean ways to ones spirit, and it puts thoughts of suicide and doubt in your head. Leaving my home of 11 years and not knowing where to go seemed like the only choice at the time. My friends have gone off to start their own stories and during my episode i pushed them away. I was afraid to talk to my parents, only because i didnt want to show how much of a failure i was, again depression works in ugly ways. with a couple hundred dollars in my wallet i set forth on a journey that would now be the turning point in my life. I began this adventure in my little ole trusty honda civic that had already seen its share of the country from a previous owner. I didnt know where to go so i just drove, with my wife and kids in the rear view mirror, it was the worst day of my life. I left to find myself and maybe instill hope that i can change from the brutal ways of my self built reality. I had intended to run my car off a cliff or just purposely fall asleep and go into on coming traffic what ever the case may be it wasnt nice.

I hit Arizona at midnght and my car started to make funny noises, the CV joints were going out, i was like great!!! what else can go wrong in my life. Everyday i would call the house to talk to my wife and kids. But still in shame of what i have done, even thou it was both our faults in the marriage. I had a friend that i knew that just moved to Mesa Az and i was omw there to see if anything would be there to make me happy. Mesa is an interesting individual, i helped her with some personal problems and kept her sane in her times of need. we knew each other for about 2-3 years and i met her while playing that Online game World of Warcraft. My time in AZ was fun, Mesa is an amazing person and we had breakfast at ihop. Talked about all sorts of stuff, after that i took off and my thoughts of depressions started to fade. There was another person i wanted to met up with Sedona but i couldnt get ahold of her so i drove on thru and spent a day at Montezumas castle. I saw the Crater and drove along Route 66 and even saw snow in flagstaff. I have to say my time in AZ was actually very peacefull and the best part of it was watching the sunset on the painted desert. AMAZING!!! That was AZ in my eyes, it made me realize what i have been missing out on, my life and my kids. I was starting to get curious again and my journal had opened up. New Mexico was my next destination.