2009 in Retrospec part 2

Valkyrie

I met her awhile back in 2008 and something wonderful happened, like ive said before she was kinda the first gal i talked to that let me know that i can move on, after my failed marriage i was confused and just looking for something. She came along in my life and i broke that quietness that i had for the longest time. ive expressed that artistic talent that laid dormant for so long, i had the words to make her melt and want more, someone actually listening to me and enjoying my company !! she was later deemed the girl i could never have, she fit my description of a dream girl. but thats the thing, the dream girl only in my dreams.... never real for me to obtain just there. thou i could text her and chat with her on the phone and thats the closest i could get. the closest i wanted to get. Yes there were plenty of times that i couldve met her in person, heck she hangs with my best friend but i just couldnt bear the fact of disappointment that bares on me. Even thou she would look past that, i am still not sure.

2009 brought some bad news, well not bad but happy and disappointing, she was actually in love with a friend of mine and i was happy for her cuz the sadness she had with her previous life has purpose now and he was it. I think that delaying my efforts with her only proved to kick myself. That is why shes the one i can never have. Learning from previous mistakes I cannot attempt to to engage like i wanted to and its becoming frustrating. but you never know and she likes my confidence heheh. We are still friends and I believe this year our eyes will lay upon each other for the first time. what will happen?? only time will tell... I wish her well for this 2010 and hope she gets what she wants. ME?!?!?! hahaha ok dreaming again....

2009 in retrospec part 1

2009 is about to come to a close and let me tell you, this year has been up and down for me personally, the death of my girl friend the ups and downs with Valkyrie, moving and the progression of friends on twitter. So many new names now and so many people to call friends. Also this will mark year 3 that i havent talk to my best friend of 25+ years and i believe its turning out to be a evolution for me. The lonely nights are becoming less and work is actually keeping me sane. My biggest move in at the end of the year has to be moving back in with my ex....

The Ex

When i was getting fed up with my mom for living there that is, i needed to move on and get ahold of my life, yes i thank her for giving me shelter when i moved back to California but i know i over stayed my welcome. I needed to move out before things got worst in the aspect of my moms relationship with her boyfriend. She was stressing out about me and it was effecting them. So not prepared to move out yet my Ex out of the blue offered for me to stay.... NOW... many people finds this wierd but it was a option that was good at the moment and besides, I get to see my kids and wake up with my kids. that was a major plus but you ask what about your ex and you.... Well we have gotten past our differences and worked out that yes we love each other but not in the way we did when we married. We have children together and need to raise them, show them role models and guide them, well i like to think anyways. I am sure she is on the same boat. This move is only temporary, till i get my tax return then its off to start my new life by myself and alone. My ex and I get along, she likes that there is an adult around to talk to and she can go out without getting a baby sitter, yes she kinda has a boyfriend and im happy she has moved on. The one thing that i dread looking forward to is leaving here again, my kids will be devestated and i am not sure this will be a good thing.....

Simply they say......pfft

Well this week has been a dozzy, managed to piss off Valkyrie, KinKin has been slowly fading away and my florida friend thought i was into her.... hahaha Things are ok now but i did manage to slip away from Valkyrie this past thanksgiving, which I dont know how much longer I can do that without hurting things, Just not ready to see her yet. NOW comes the true test of holding back, after seeing my roommate naked i just cant fight the urges to wonder what if??? Ugggh the temptations are there and i must resist....

My Florida Friend wrote me a really long sweet email yesterday, that kinda put things in perspective as to what i am doing and what i want....

Kate asked me to Sadie Hawkins

I would like to keep this blog going so here we go. Little miss s t Louis has been coming around a lot lately and it's kinda been fun. Thou I'm still afraid to start anything with only on the merit of her job. I have my kids to consider and my sanity hehe. The friends I have made on tweeter have also been supportive as well, and kinkin is an awesome friend, maybe too awesome..... She is almost everything I want in a person, she's positive happy loving and caring loves to smile and laugh and is beautiful sigh....... But she is taken. I don't know why I tourture myself but I know I have now made a great friend in the process. I wish her the best.

-- Posted from my iTouch

RAWR RAWR!!

Hmmm where has the time gone??? Its been almost 2 years since ive have moved out on my own, well with my mom and i am pretty sure its time to be on my own.... The options are there but the funds need a little more saving for me to even survive. I have faith in myself to overcome this obstacle. Just my sense of adventure always pulls me aside and distracts me hehehe.

As for my friends that I have met over the past year, I do have to say I have met some interesting people. Kinkin being one of them, I'm not even sure where to begin on this one but I do know she makes me smile And appreciates life around me. I really would like to find someone out there like her but unfortunately kinkin is taken. Why I continue to flirt with her is beyond me but it's fun and she likes it. I do however seem to talk to her forever which was something that lacked in my previous marriage. Funny how that works out. Valkyrie is still around but seldomly on to chat with only because I work odd hours but she did seem interested to see me this past weekend. Who am I kidding!!

The question that I have been asked lately is "John why aren't you out there dating??" hmm good question but one that I have been thinking about recently a lot. Now I'm not sure if these girls are asking just to try something with me or not. Not good yet at reading women but then again who is?!?! Kinkin has been amazing at trying to see who would or not, even thou I rather it be her hehehe. More on this later

Need to move on!!!

Last night I realized that the things I have been doing have just been making things worse... What sucks is that my previous life keeps coming back to haunt me and I don't like it. I am happy now but when old memories that I have put away and moved on from keep poking me in the back it's time to just let it go all together. I have made some new friends that I really enjoy and they to like my company. The whole Nikki thing has been hard to deal with by myself but have managed for the most part. And last night talking to Valkyrie I realized why am I still chasing a lost cause??? She is happy now for the most so ya.....

This weekend proved that I was chicken shit to see Valkyrie!! But it also brought closure to an ongoing crush. After finding out why she has shyed away from me it totally made sense. I'm not mad but a sense of sadness is looming around, but at the same time I'm happy for her!! So then what did I do wrong??

This weekend I also treated myself to a movie. 500 days of summer.... I'm actually gonna put this movie in my top ten favorites of all time!! Only probably cuz it has opened up a lot about relationships and kinda mirriored what I'm going thru. I met this girl fell for her and she moved on only to put me in the realization that she isn't the last thing in my life, her ability to spark my creative and passionate mind to work has proved her to be vital in my ongoing quest to be happy. If that makes sense.... I think I still have a chance but that's also the optimist talking in me. In my marrige I gave up and procrastinated so much it became the normal thing, I hated it!! Now it's getting better to not do that and I think I've become a way better person. Anyways Valkyrie has found that special someone and has moved on, and now I'm sitting there in friend status.... More on that later

This weekend also made me uncomfortable about being around my old home with the kids, even thou my kids were sick I still had the chance to run into my old friend, I've decided to just move on from that and don't look back anymore. What happened happened and it's just unwanted emotion to deal with.






-- Post From My iTouch

Nevermind!!! blarg!!!

After the loss of a really close friend this past year, I've been thinking about all the friends that i have gathered since I've separated from my wife. Facebook and twitter has really help in my transition and have gained some great people to call 'friends' The loss of Nikki really bothered me more so now than when it really happened. That person i could confide in and let lose of all my emotions is gone, that person i could laugh to about my frustrations and get advice towards my ever-going saga with Valkyrie is gone... After reading the journal that her mom gave me it showed another side of Nikki that i kinda knew but now know in a full understanding of her pain. She loved me and loved me like no other, the comments i made of Valkyrie made her stumble and she tried to grasp onto me but couldn't because i was so wrapped into my own journey.

Destroy my Sweater

It amazes me the people that I talk to and the advice they give, I've had plenty of chances to to destroy my morals and values but yet again that nice guy in me prevailed. My friend Anne is so out there I'm sometimes intimidated by her looks and her outgoing personality. The short time that I did date her was fun but I knew she wanted more, unfortunately for me I was in the aftermath of my very longterm but failed marrige. Ya!!! More on that later..... Anyways my relationship with Nikki I think has put Anne in some sort of jealousy type of mood.... Now dealing with that has become sort of uncomfortable, with the recent breakup with her boyfriend she has been clingy to me. Yes I do care for her but I'm not sure if I wanna get into another relationship with her. What I do miss is hanging out with my old friends, something I know that will probably never happen again, yay I screwed up that one bad but I know the price I paid for what I did.... I'm just afraid to run into him again now because he lives next to my kids.... Anyways

What I do need to do is start writing again..... Need to earn more money for my trip. Hmmm could a friendship bloom into something more?? Who knows.




-- Post From My iTouch

Poor Zoe

I lie here in bed with my daughter hoping things will get better, she is getting up periodically to throw up and it's starting to worry me. Makes me wonder what she's doing over there or is this just a bug she just got from someone whatever the case may be she is sick im im here to take care of her. It's been awhile since I've seen Zoe sick, it's usually one of the other two...

This weekend I have my kids, we had some pretty gnarly adventures planned but now with this recent epidemic we might have to alter them... It's ok that's what parents do. And I miss doing such things, I remember when we first seperated I was confused and not all there and said some pretty mean things about myself and my failures of being a father, I look now each and everyday to that time to see my kids again. Do they miss me?? When I see them they seem too but when I'm not around they don't call or make an effort, sometimes I wonder about that. People still ask me if I would ever go back... I think there's an understanding now between us that things were meant to be like this and we need to live our lives seperated. I am happy now but I am sad that I don't get to see them as much as I would like too.

As for me, I think I'm still self-conscious about myself and act like a dumb ass in person. Recently I met up with this very bright and beautiful person, but in the back of my mind my self doubt was trying to over whelm me. I still chat with this person and were suppose to get a bite to eat so we will see how that goes....

Also my friend B invited me to her Bday party!!! I wanted to go because first of all I would get to meet up with B and her hubby and second she is trying to set her bff up with me. I have chatted with her recently and she seems really kewl, just bad timing on my part with the kids and all. One day we will meet but not this weekend.

And as for Anne, she is getting better, her loss of a friend has settle down and the recent break up with her bf has made the transition smoother. Yes we miss our Nikki but things need to move on and remember the good times we shared. I recently aquired Nikki's journel from her mom and it was an interesting read.... I didn't realize that her feelings for me were that strong and her thoughts were so vivid. The attention to detail almost scares me. "I love the way his heart beats in unison with mine as I lay upon his chest, not worrying about the world around me just captivated by his creative thought and boyish charm." wow I miss her....

-- Post From My iTouch

Old School video!!

OMG!!! talk about old school, this was the awards banquet in 1991, so many old friends :)

Fourth of July.....

Hmmm, so today was interesting...... Started at 1am with a phone call
from a really fun person, NIN called me out of the blue and we talked
till about 5am. She is an awesome person so full of life. Her life
experiences just shocks me and her stories are intriging. I'm
attracted to her only cuz I've never did like 98% of the things she
has done! Yes she is just out there but in a good way!! Just fun to
talk to.... I'm suppose to meet her at a concert in September so we
will see how that goes.

Anyways I was sort of bummed today because yes I didn't have my kids
and it will be hard to get them on this holiday only because my ex's
best friends kids are born around this day. And they are good friends
with my kids..... It just saddens me to see other families spending
time together when I'm home alone. I know I have many options to go
and people to see but it just got to me today and I wanted to be
alone... Nothing wrong with that I guess. Which brings me to another
point, my friend Valencia just moved out and is all ready to move on
with her life... Now she has to deal with custody with her children
and her ex.... I feel for her because he is just not there for them.

I miss my Nikki, she was the one I can open up to and she was always
there for me. She was one of the reasons I would be up late at night
cuz we would be on the phone....

Sent from my iPodi

Hmmmm

Well.... I think my thing for Valkyrie is coming to an end.... yes it was short lived and yes it brought a new meaning to my life but i did learn a couple things while in pursuit of her. I have learned to open my feelings and be honest with myself and others. I have learned not to hold back the feelings i have and to share with those the ones that are dear. In my pursuit of Valkyrie, I have met many other people and have shared with them my gift of gab and witty humor. It seems that quite a few people like this and when i try to stray away, I'm urged to comeback. That feeling of being wanted is great and its something that has left me for quite some time till recently. Yes Valkyrie will always be in my heart and i wish her well on her journey of self discovery and i am sure our paths will meet someday and who knows..... HAHAHA As i was writing this we were kinda chatting so.......swooned!!!

One person I really haven't talked about that much on here is my close friend Nikki, I will use her real name only because she was a great person and if things would've kept continuing they way they did probably a possible life partner. I do miss her dearly and often remember the advice she would give me and the many adventures we had.

Whoa Nelly!!

Well this year has been going pretty smoothly so far, I'm starting to work more and saving money thou has been a problem. I tend to spoil my kids but now im back to my original goal. Saving some money to move out and continue my adventures. This month has been interesting. My relationship with Valkyrie has subsided due to her personal goals, Im not sure if anything will come of it but it has been an interesting time. I hope she straighten things out for herself , but now there is the situation of Mesa. I have known her for quite awhile now and just recently she expressed some feelings to me, this will be interesting how this panns out.

I did enjoy my time with my daughter at a nearly empty Disneyland, adn went to CA adventures for the 1st time with another friend, My highlight of the month has been driving to SoCal to drop off a gift and almost meeting up with some one. That story still needs an ending, thou i have seemed to get myself into anther situation.

Happy New Year!!

Well this is it 2009!!! I have so many things i wanna do and now all i need to do is just go do it. I made a list with Valkyrie and she brought up an interesting point to me the other day. That im doing them with Catalina..... I think Catalina will be out of the picture more than usual now, she hooked up with a friend that came out and saw her this new years and they hit it off greatly. I was kinda happy for her after all the shit she has been thru and it made the new years nite go over smoothly. Yes i did give her a new years kiss but i also gave like 3 other gals a kiss, which was crazy because i never saw them again that nite, nor will i ever see them. As for this year 2009, im setting forth a bunch of resolution type quests. We will see how that goes.

My work is really boring, i have done some training but today they scheduled me in the receiving bay and no deliveries..... so why wouldnt they send us home? at least save on some payroll. Oh well i did meet some more people and did some web based training so im happy with that.

Also, im looking for a car. The civic finally died and im using my moms car..... sigh. Well I hope this year goes better than this last year, thou the end of the year i'd have to say was very memorable. Beginning of the year i went on a road trip to find myself, almost died but came out a better person. Came back to California to find out my wife doesnt want to be with me anymore, which turned out to be better than i thought. Then i started to see people and talk to old High School friends and thats when my happiness soared. I started going out and just doing things i havent done in a long time. As for my kids i dont want to talk about them on this blog but it has been amazing time spent with them.