Destroy my Sweater

It amazes me the people that I talk to and the advice they give, I've had plenty of chances to to destroy my morals and values but yet again that nice guy in me prevailed. My friend Anne is so out there I'm sometimes intimidated by her looks and her outgoing personality. The short time that I did date her was fun but I knew she wanted more, unfortunately for me I was in the aftermath of my very longterm but failed marrige. Ya!!! More on that later..... Anyways my relationship with Nikki I think has put Anne in some sort of jealousy type of mood.... Now dealing with that has become sort of uncomfortable, with the recent breakup with her boyfriend she has been clingy to me. Yes I do care for her but I'm not sure if I wanna get into another relationship with her. What I do miss is hanging out with my old friends, something I know that will probably never happen again, yay I screwed up that one bad but I know the price I paid for what I did.... I'm just afraid to run into him again now because he lives next to my kids.... Anyways

What I do need to do is start writing again..... Need to earn more money for my trip. Hmmm could a friendship bloom into something more?? Who knows.




-- Post From My iTouch

Poor Zoe

I lie here in bed with my daughter hoping things will get better, she is getting up periodically to throw up and it's starting to worry me. Makes me wonder what she's doing over there or is this just a bug she just got from someone whatever the case may be she is sick im im here to take care of her. It's been awhile since I've seen Zoe sick, it's usually one of the other two...

This weekend I have my kids, we had some pretty gnarly adventures planned but now with this recent epidemic we might have to alter them... It's ok that's what parents do. And I miss doing such things, I remember when we first seperated I was confused and not all there and said some pretty mean things about myself and my failures of being a father, I look now each and everyday to that time to see my kids again. Do they miss me?? When I see them they seem too but when I'm not around they don't call or make an effort, sometimes I wonder about that. People still ask me if I would ever go back... I think there's an understanding now between us that things were meant to be like this and we need to live our lives seperated. I am happy now but I am sad that I don't get to see them as much as I would like too.

As for me, I think I'm still self-conscious about myself and act like a dumb ass in person. Recently I met up with this very bright and beautiful person, but in the back of my mind my self doubt was trying to over whelm me. I still chat with this person and were suppose to get a bite to eat so we will see how that goes....

Also my friend B invited me to her Bday party!!! I wanted to go because first of all I would get to meet up with B and her hubby and second she is trying to set her bff up with me. I have chatted with her recently and she seems really kewl, just bad timing on my part with the kids and all. One day we will meet but not this weekend.

And as for Anne, she is getting better, her loss of a friend has settle down and the recent break up with her bf has made the transition smoother. Yes we miss our Nikki but things need to move on and remember the good times we shared. I recently aquired Nikki's journel from her mom and it was an interesting read.... I didn't realize that her feelings for me were that strong and her thoughts were so vivid. The attention to detail almost scares me. "I love the way his heart beats in unison with mine as I lay upon his chest, not worrying about the world around me just captivated by his creative thought and boyish charm." wow I miss her....

-- Post From My iTouch

Old School video!!

OMG!!! talk about old school, this was the awards banquet in 1991, so many old friends :)

Fourth of July.....

Hmmm, so today was interesting...... Started at 1am with a phone call
from a really fun person, NIN called me out of the blue and we talked
till about 5am. She is an awesome person so full of life. Her life
experiences just shocks me and her stories are intriging. I'm
attracted to her only cuz I've never did like 98% of the things she
has done! Yes she is just out there but in a good way!! Just fun to
talk to.... I'm suppose to meet her at a concert in September so we
will see how that goes.

Anyways I was sort of bummed today because yes I didn't have my kids
and it will be hard to get them on this holiday only because my ex's
best friends kids are born around this day. And they are good friends
with my kids..... It just saddens me to see other families spending
time together when I'm home alone. I know I have many options to go
and people to see but it just got to me today and I wanted to be
alone... Nothing wrong with that I guess. Which brings me to another
point, my friend Valencia just moved out and is all ready to move on
with her life... Now she has to deal with custody with her children
and her ex.... I feel for her because he is just not there for them.

I miss my Nikki, she was the one I can open up to and she was always
there for me. She was one of the reasons I would be up late at night
cuz we would be on the phone....

Sent from my iPodi

Hmmmm

Well.... I think my thing for Valkyrie is coming to an end.... yes it was short lived and yes it brought a new meaning to my life but i did learn a couple things while in pursuit of her. I have learned to open my feelings and be honest with myself and others. I have learned not to hold back the feelings i have and to share with those the ones that are dear. In my pursuit of Valkyrie, I have met many other people and have shared with them my gift of gab and witty humor. It seems that quite a few people like this and when i try to stray away, I'm urged to comeback. That feeling of being wanted is great and its something that has left me for quite some time till recently. Yes Valkyrie will always be in my heart and i wish her well on her journey of self discovery and i am sure our paths will meet someday and who knows..... HAHAHA As i was writing this we were kinda chatting so.......swooned!!!

One person I really haven't talked about that much on here is my close friend Nikki, I will use her real name only because she was a great person and if things would've kept continuing they way they did probably a possible life partner. I do miss her dearly and often remember the advice she would give me and the many adventures we had.