I'm not liking this one bit. I can sense it in her attitude and the way I'm talked to. It might be me or just the fact that I've seen this for the past 14 years..... Yes I'm getting in a rut and I'm reminded daily when I get on that bus or ride my bike. Yes I like the excerise but at what cost?? My sanity is dwindling fast and this I can feel. Each day a pint of depression makes it's way into my head wondering if this is worth it. Yet my kids are the only ones that I come to and reassures me it is. It tears me about seeing thm not get what they want ot crying when a promise is broken. I try but this exhaustion is becoming of me. I'm not sure what to do. My kids only see the outside of me the part of me that hides well of what is really happening I side. They tell my old friends I'm fine. But am I??? Hmmmm I keep myself occuipied but I am running ou of things to do. My computer broke I have no car and I'm tired after pulling a 12 hour workday that includes a 20mile bikeride. Am I giving myself excuses??? Maybe but it is wearing me thin. I'm not happy.
What will make me happy?? Maybe the living on my own thing. Maybe a better job or a better paying job. I'm ugly and right now I have no ambition. I look forward to hide my life and chat with my virtual friends but how long will that last and when they log off I'm alone once again. I get to work and everyone here is against eachother. It's rather sad and makes the workplace not a welcomed place as it once was. Maybe I do need to get away to gather my thoughts but where Nd most importantly how will I get there. It's sad when I ride home I take my time. I've rode down many different trails and stopped and watched ants crawl. Yes I'm that exciting. A good friend from the past contacted me. One I used hang with all the time and talk to. He asked how I was and what's up..... I had nothing. Not sure if I wanted to open up a can of worms or not but it just seemed I was not interested in delving myself. Is it something I want to get away from??? It's been nearly four years since my seperation and almost five since I lost a really close beast friend. My girlfriend past away a year ago and someone I really like I was afraid to go and see. I want to change but it's so hard at this moment and plus I always preached no one ever changes.
What is this bblog about then???? I guess I'm just ranting about my own life not meeting up with the expectations that I have set out four years ago. Fix my broken self and be the best dad I can be. I'm getting a F rating on this and need to go away. I think I will hit up this cruise thing soon. Away and gone for a couple days would be nice. Or save up and get a car.......
Hehe
-- Posted from my iTouch
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