Shook me all night long...

I don't understand maybe she was joking maybe she is hinting hahaha ya right I'm getting my hopes up. Anyways tthis morning I had to wake up the roommate to take me to the bus stop due to not having change and was running late. Uggg I hate waking her cuz afterwards I feel like shit. Yes I would hate to be woken up at 430am and yes I'm a loser to wake up that early too. Hmmmm

Yesterday was interesting. I was pulled into the office at work for being a witness of something that happened that was really childish to begin with. Some people just can't accept certain things.

Ok so my project that i have been following did go out with a new person. (when I say following it's not in a stalkerish way just curious about her situation and bored heheh) it's funny when younger people start dating older people. There's that thin line of ok parent.... Me I was actully curious of what it would be like with an older woman. I was seeing this one girl or should I say lady haha and she was considerably older than me like 52. Amazingly she didn't look like it. She kept herself well fit and was very entertaining. What did she think about seeing someone that was way younger?? She didn't care. The sex was good and the good times were plenty. Now what about the other way?? A younger lady going after an older man??? I'll name her taylor cuz she reminds me of Taylor Swift. Anyways Taylor went out with this one guy that was like 7years older and had a couple kids. The thoughts mustve been mindboggling at thtat young age. There's this guy that has already been married and had kids. He's experienced life already in the aspect of marriage kids and divorce. Grant it I have been thru the same thing and companionship is a definite thing we miss but also the sex. Intentions could be high in this dept. Taylor is a fairly attractive person and why not have a gf thT could trump your ex and have eyecandy hanging on yur arm ya..... Anyways I can relate to Taylor new how should I say this... Person of one way intrest. Hehehe now I'm not sure if she's interested but I know she has commented on how wierd it is being baby'd by this man. Hahaha details later when they rise.

Out of the blue I did get to talk to Valkyrie.... Omg right?!?!? Just the usual flirting online lead to me calling her and laughing because of the teasing each other. I'm not sure why I'm still stuck on her. After everyone I always go back to her.... Why?? She makes me smile she makes me lose where I'm at and she is fun to talk to. But yet she lives so far away and alas I have no car ugggg. Anyways one day.....

How do people do it??? Without medication or help?? It is tough dealing with this I can feel it draining me. I can feel the tears swell up I can feel the sense of worthlessness overwhelming my happy demenor. How much more will I take before falling??


-- Posted from my iTouch

I see what's going down.....

Well ithink I'm going back into my depressive state. I'm sad that I have to ride a bike everyday. I'm sad that I have no real friends than the ones I have at work. I'm sad that I secluded myself from everyone. I'm sad that I can't motivate myself to be a better father. I'm sad that the descisions I made has continued to grow out of control and soon it will blow up in my face. I'm sad that some days I rather be worm food than the happy life I potray online. I'm sad that my good friend is gone and she is somewhere that I might or might not believe. I'm sad that I ignore some people because of personal grudges. I'm sad that I shouldve been something yet I choose to take the easy road which has lead me here a complete mess. I am sad that I can't afford certain things for my kids. I am sad that the people I care for right now are bajillion miles away. Why must I continue when all this stuff recently isn't really good for my mental state. My good friends that I hung out with since highschool are gone and doing their life. I try and be positive but daily I'm reminded of the failures that I have created. I try and make people smile and laugh and to some extent they do. But I'm left empty for some reason. I ride the bus five days a week. I ride my bike 20 miles roundtrip on days I work. I come home and goto bed just to do it again the next day. I need something soon or my downward spiral will get the best of me.

A couple days ago I realized that the sun comes up while I'm riding the bus. The awesome begining of each day is in front of me. I ponder what will come of it and hope things will change but as I'm mezmorized by the sun. Looking at it to much it begins to hurt. I guess this blog in a way is my venting since no one is around to even bother with how I really feel. And even if someone would ask I'd probably turn the other way and make the subject into some about zombies or totally different. That's just me I guess. I have been getting better opening up but recently I have been sugar coating it to make it seem better than it is. Most people add their renditions of stories, to make them interesting and to captivate the person hearing them. I am guilty of this as well. We shall see what the future holds for me but it better be good soon because I'm not sure if I can take this much longer. Stewing like this is begining to take it's toll on me.



-- Posted from my iTouch

How am I suppose to pretend??

My second attempt at writing this uggggg anyways. It's been a trying couple of days and riding the bus and going to work and no car has just made it worst. This past weekend I had access to a car and it was great. Made me miss my car and the spontaneous adventures. Now I'm back to watching these people come and go on this bus. Will that be me in ten years???


-- Posted from my iTouch

Hi.......

Texting experiments are fun to a point. You see who's out there and wonder if they respond in a timely matter or if certain requests are made heheheh. It's been awhile since I have spoken to Valkyrie or chatted. But everyonce in awhile I'll text her "hi" and zhe responds right away. Now I could go into the psycological meanings of this and drive myself mad but I think today is not the day.

It amazes me when women come up to me and tell me all men are jerks. I think to myself am i?? Maybe they tell me cuz they are comfortable at talk to me maybe they tell me cuz I'll listen maybe they have their own meanings but it's curious to me cuz most of the time I don't represent that part of my breed. It also makes me sad cuz here is an attractive and outgoing woman standing in front of me crying about the inconsistancy of her boyfriend. I offer my advice like any friend should but it makes you want to step in and show them what a nice person is. Hmmmmm it's mind boggling. But.... It's also a learning experience cuz I'm learning what not to do around women. Yes I'm single and would like to find that person but the road there is bummpy and unknown heheh.

As for the mini things I have going on with my Twitter friends..... Ya I'll keep it at that hahaha

I think I'll write about this person at work that has these problems of dating and being single. Maybe I can open some doors of my own by listening the what ifs and what nots in her relationships. Or at least get a better understanding at it. Also I'll write about the bus journeys hehehe

-- Posted from my iTouch

PIZZA!!!!

Hahah so this morning on the bus some fairly attractive girls came on and it looked like they were hikers. Anyways they sat down and there was this guy that was sitting across from them that was quiet till they got on. He started screaming PIZZA and orther things. It kinda freaked out people on the bus. The girls just tried to ignore them but his shouts were to loud to try. It was rather amusing but that must stink to have torettes like that. Needless to say I'm deaf but hungry hehehe. One of the girls did smile at me hehhe happy John :)

Yesterday it was kinda quiet on the bus. Had the occational wierd looks and stinky hairy ear man. I was in awe with the lady that got off the bus before I got on. Wow she was smokin. Hehe ya I'm male and still go wow at beauty.

As for Chanel she went and saw her loser bf last night. When all day she was complaining about how inconsiderate he is and how much she is a jerk. So she said she was single and hates men..... Uggg 1st of all it's a long journey to find that perfect someone and you'll know when you find this person. She is young and attractive yet doesn't know what she wants. Stress is taking over her, not only from her wierd relationships but from work as well. It's funny listening to her complain because most of the time it's stuff that could be controlled or signs of get away. I fear that this guy is gonna start using her because even thou he brushed her off over the holiday weekend she came back. I see that as an open invintation to do it again. And then to make matters worse she went and made out with her ex uggggg what is she thinking???? Not only did guilt come into effect the next day she seemed confused.... To me it seems like. Pointless stress and needs to extinguished by moving on. I think her inner circle of pressure to have a bf or to get married has prompt her to want such things.... Me I'd finish school and if something happens it happens. She has good friends and a great support circle. More on this when new things develope....

As for me..... I'm not sure what's going on. I'm looking forward to apply at the slo warehouse for some ft work but it's so far away from the kids and without a car I might get screwed over this ugggg


-- Posted from my iTouch