Well ithink I'm going back into my depressive state. I'm sad that I have to ride a bike everyday. I'm sad that I have no real friends than the ones I have at work. I'm sad that I secluded myself from everyone. I'm sad that I can't motivate myself to be a better father. I'm sad that the descisions I made has continued to grow out of control and soon it will blow up in my face. I'm sad that some days I rather be worm food than the happy life I potray online. I'm sad that my good friend is gone and she is somewhere that I might or might not believe. I'm sad that I ignore some people because of personal grudges. I'm sad that I shouldve been something yet I choose to take the easy road which has lead me here a complete mess. I am sad that I can't afford certain things for my kids. I am sad that the people I care for right now are bajillion miles away. Why must I continue when all this stuff recently isn't really good for my mental state. My good friends that I hung out with since highschool are gone and doing their life. I try and be positive but daily I'm reminded of the failures that I have created. I try and make people smile and laugh and to some extent they do. But I'm left empty for some reason. I ride the bus five days a week. I ride my bike 20 miles roundtrip on days I work. I come home and goto bed just to do it again the next day. I need something soon or my downward spiral will get the best of me.
A couple days ago I realized that the sun comes up while I'm riding the bus. The awesome begining of each day is in front of me. I ponder what will come of it and hope things will change but as I'm mezmorized by the sun. Looking at it to much it begins to hurt. I guess this blog in a way is my venting since no one is around to even bother with how I really feel. And even if someone would ask I'd probably turn the other way and make the subject into some about zombies or totally different. That's just me I guess. I have been getting better opening up but recently I have been sugar coating it to make it seem better than it is. Most people add their renditions of stories, to make them interesting and to captivate the person hearing them. I am guilty of this as well. We shall see what the future holds for me but it better be good soon because I'm not sure if I can take this much longer. Stewing like this is begining to take it's toll on me.
-- Posted from my iTouch
No comments:
Post a Comment