It's easier for u to let go

What have I become... I'm so into this girl and I haven't even met her yet... I love her for the way she makes me smile and feel... I love her for the many things that she is... But.I'm sitting here waiting for her to call me and its 1am... How late do I stay up. I know she's had a rough day. After finding out the news she found out I'm concerned on how she feels ... We aren't even a couple or nothing but I feel so connected to her... Am I crazy?? Ugggh. Maybe I am for staying up so late... Maybe I am setting myself up for disappointment... I want this to work but I think she's afraid and or doesn't want to... I know she thinks about it, but I don't know.... I lost... I fell for her hard and now I'm just a blabbering idiot over this.... She asked me not to get close but I.did. but the things we do and talk about... Makes me wonder what really is happening in that head... It seems all good.  I guess time will tell... I am suppose to see her soon, new years weekend.. we talk about being excited and being epic... I have no doubt about that....

What have I done to....

The things I get myself into.... People hating me... Friendships changing... Best moving out of the country and relatives losing their other half due to family issues... My friend from LA said it best... You just need to step back and look what's important in yur life and take care of it...
I have been caught up in my crush so much that the rest of me is not doing so well. Grasping onto my optimistic ideas and hoping.. maybe not such a good idea... I have resorted into the one thing that led me to depression... I am controlling it but I see it as a way to stay out of trouble and save money... A week now and I have the same $5 in my wallet for a week. It's progress... But sometimes I think its a curse... We shall see

Keep my mouth shut from the start.....

This weekend has been really tough... finding out about someone you care for doesn't want to be that way with you is heartbreaking. The things we have been thru and experienced have been amazing, and have strengthen our friends 10 times than what it was... I fell in love with her but alas she fell in love with someone else. The ever so deep dagger plunging into my heart. I will always remain that best friend to her, we laugh and have fun but deep inside i hurt cuz i know that this quest i put upon myself will be tougher and may end. I will not give up like i have been told in the past. I cant and wont. i have to be persistent if i am to woo her over again. She has gone thru so much these past months and its not fair to bother her. but with my lack of persistent attention she fell for someone else. Normal i guess, or lost interest in me for something she truly wants and i cannot provide yet...  I have never felt so strongly for some one. and maybe i am blinded by this love or lust. I am grateful for the friendship we have...
this past week my best friend for the last 6 years has passed away in a car accident.... why must my loved ones be taken away from me... its been awhile but i actually sat in a corner and teared up... I cannot think straight and my chest hurts.... I miss you anne and need you now more than ever... I have a person that hates me because he thinks i caused his divorce... so then he wished me harm cuz of it... after that threat my bff passes away... All i can think is that his negative energy somehow took Anne away from me....  I don't like him now cuz of this. She was my inspiration to pursue my crush/bff now no one is here, and things are falling apart. yet i still have a urge of optimism... with Valkyrie and others... ya...

Dango....

I had to

while you are being a douche

you better appreciate what you have.....

While you are ignoring her,
Another guy is giving her attention...

While you're giving her problems.....
Another guy is listening

While you're to busy for her....
Another guy is making time for her....

While you're making her cry.....
Another guy is trying to make her smile again....

While you're not sure if you still want her.....
Another guy has already figured it out....

wait what

.....

Get up....

day 2 of my new place and all i have is my rug and a couple dishes... oh and some top ramen hahah anyways.... its been over a week and nothing... I think i have to move on cuz if i wait i will go crazy.

Love you like a love song

Well its almost been a week.. yes i survived and it seems things arent going the way they seem... just getting the bad vibes. I really miss her... I dont know why i do so much.. She has been there everyday and just opened eared to everything i had to say, she would tell me her frustrations and we would talk them out.... I miss that. I have things i need to get off my chest to. My mother, my work, my kids and my new apt. It isnt fair that a little infatuation i kept to myself has punished me. she knew of it but i never pushed for anything... Now im stuck trying to gain the trust all over again.. and its hard... I dont like it and need her back in my life. but alas that isnt in my control. :(

I do miss you and hope you are happy
:)

What a girl wants...

Seeing this unfold from the sidelines makes me wonder who now is in the right... I don't know all the details but from wandering around I can see where he is coming from. What is she doing to keep this together? At least they are talking it out.

As for me... I just wanna reach out...but I can't.. I tried to talk to my other friends but I can't... The trust I have developed with C is all I have right now... Ya I probably should go somewhere else. But its hard to just throw away something that you have gained and given... Even if we do start talking again.. will it be different? Most likely. We shall see if that day even comes. 

Jealousy

It tears you apart.....  
I've seen how and experienced how jealousy can ruin a relationship... Always wondering. Always second guessing... Trust failing... It's not a good feeling...

alone...

my brief pity party was today... its almost the end of the day and i haven't heard anything... I hope all is ok. I didn't realize how much you can miss someone when they aren't around... I wanna tell her about my friend, i wanna tell her about my mom... and my new place... just now... no one to talk to... My good friend Anne came back to town today. She flew all the way from Seattle to see me. She is a wonderful person and i appreciate all she has done. 

depression... i see you around that corner... not today. I will walk the other way.....

Chasing Cars..

wow... ok so ....I hope now that he has this he doesnt blow it.... give her what she needs and yearns for, make her love you again... Good luck my friend. It was a great friendship.

I find it funny how often my web stats show the location of visitors and the times they come and go.... almost making sure... :P

ups and downs

Apple has been a big part of my computer experiences, I am sad to hear about Steve Jobs today... I was sitting in Starbucks playing on twitter when the rumors started popping up then the official twitter sites started investigating.... then Apple made the announcement .... iSad... what made me smile thou was that everyone else in the place all had apple products. the girl sitting with me had her macbook pro and her iphone, the guy next to me at the next table had his ipad... i had my ipod and it was amazing that this guy has helped shape a generation... RIP

Because of apple, i am able to video chat with my kids from hundreds of miles away... Facetime rules

shyness is nice.....

The thing about expressing what you think online is that there will always be a critic or someone that doesnt like to read what you have to say... yet i continue writing. Constructive criticism??  maybe... am i glutton for punishment... probably... These past couple days have been a whirlwind... and now i am a victim of my own fault. Why was i so stupid in relaying my feelings? I shouldve kept them hidden like any normal person would do... You see a crush and just fantasize about them on yur own with no interaction... but no. Now i have lost a really good friend and possibly created an enemy unintentionally. But problems existed before me... where is the line?? whatever the case maybe, moving on is probably the best choice.... but i cant. And i wont. She asked me to stay and help her... not be in a relationship, not have sex, not carry her family. Just to help her get thru her ups and downs of life. As a friend i will be there. as far as anything else... no. as it has always been...

in other news Farmers market gal showed up out of the blue and helped me take my mind off things, it was an interesting night to say the least. I may have to repay the favor soon.

Fuckery

hmmm these last two days have been a little off the wall, the stress from work, the delay of my place being built and still living with mom, the kids and my ex, my dead gf family, snd the resurfacing of old problems... NOT to mention the drama over my friend. Apparently people read this page that likes to construe this blog as fact when its my online place to escape and let out my thoughts... Take it how you will but its nice to let out what I think and afraid to experience in real life. We all have that place in our head but i like to share it here.

Nikkis parents are in town, and the more i see them the more i really miss her, why she was taken away from me is still something i try hard to cope with, almost 3 years since her death and the memories are still lingering in my head. Anne also is having a tough time dealing with this. Together we try to make the best of it.......  I miss you Nikki, i really need you right now..

as far as my family, I dont talk about them that much on here so i will leave it at that.. I like having my kids around and miss them dearly, they make me smile and laugh.
As far as the current situation, ugggh......................................................................................... where to begin.................................... Anne an I have started talking about having a beyond friends relationship for awhile now, i cant seem to wanna commit due to some factors that exist and she knows it, the safety of my kids come first and well she knows what has to be done if it were to ever come down to it, we have been great with our current situations but wonder to much what it would be like to have more. She has been great and understanding. I love her for that and the openess she has with me. As far as Valkyrie go... where the heck did she go? she like disappeared off the face of the planet.... Lawyer girl is happy with her fiance and farmers market girl and I are to hit up disneyland next month. and then theres C.... ugggh talk about a big situation... Her marriage is on the brink of failure, her husband doesnt trust her... and because of it i may lose my best friend. I have grown fond of C these past couple of months, because she understands me. I like the attention and just the warm friendliness we have. its almost 2 years since we met online and shared our lives... Even thou i have never met this person, I like the fact that i have a goto person when feeling down and just need to talk. Lately her life has been in disarray so its been hard to get with her. I have been giving her advice to work it out with her hubby, and its been hard. once we men get on that jealous track its tough to get off of it. Constant wondering and questioning everything.... i have been there. I love C, but I love C for who she is and what she does, I like the creative mind she has, her writings are amazing. I love her attention and her views on life. I love that she gets up and cares for the well being of her family, making breakfast, dinner everyday. I love that she can turn my bad day into a great day. I am sad to see her upset and just lost in these times right now, i wish her and her husband could find a common ground. I fear this may  not end  well but they need to find why they loved each other in the 1st place. grasp on that and run. compromise the changes and prepare for each other for the future.

haha again i am atrocious with the spelling and grammer and it makes me laugh, I am to lazy to go back and change it and well... its just not me to do such a thing hehehe....

C

I do this to save her, i am to much of a distraction on him and for them... I don't like it but it must be done... to regain my sanity and to let her regain hers... I .... ya i will leave it at just that.......................

one day i will be back when the dust settles and hopefully she will be happy at that time... I lub you... and farewell my friend....

till we meet again

taking time..

I started to doodle more.... just a little here and there before i get into bigger stuff.... Why I choose to draw Cyclops... not sure... not one of my favorite X-men but sure why not....

Chasing...

One glance in to your eyes has the power to steal my breath and throw the rhythm of my heart. The curve of your lips and your smile can take the ground from beneath my feet. Just to look at you makes me feel as though I'm wrapped in the softest, warmest blanket in the world. Please don't ever stop looking and smiling.


Today's unfortunate events had me thinking of the 1st time it had happened... It took me forever to recover and maybe i haven't fully recovered because still to this day i wish when i am around her.. I am not sure how this happened or my intentions weren't clear enough..  somewhere blinded by the playful banter or the flirtatious chatter have i lost the meaning of this friendship. Grant it from the beginning i lusted over her and the feelings were mutual. as things just seemed to get better, things became even special. We shared everything... the lust aside and the best friend has set in.... One thing that has always killed it for me and for the last couple people I have liked has gone this way...
BFF ya i can do that... but
























lub you

Unfinished work...

I starting drawing again... One thing i was always aweful at was drawing the female figure, i might as well start practicing again. Not a bad attempt but also my luck ran out when my ink dried up ugggh

let it flow.....

what the heck.... staying at my moms house has been lonely... all she does is watch tv and talk smack about people, i love her but wow.. Anyways 3 blog posts in 24 hours??? Why the sudden splurge of thoughts?? I knew something like this would happen. Leaving my home the 1st time was hard, but the intention was to fix myself and comeback... trying to salvage a failed marriage i left and started to rebuild myself. Meeting great people on the way and with hopes of being happy again. I realized then, this wasnt meant to be. Now the 2nd time leaving, i am aware that there is no return and this would close the book on this chapter and the start of a new book. Its hard right now.... Moving to my own place, starting anew for the 1st time. I left all the things i gathered throughout our lives together with her, in hopes that new things equal to new beginnings. I am confident that things will go right... its just scary now that its here... Making things happen...
I miss my kids, my daughter really misses me..

another thing that has been occupying mind has been C... why?? yes i have been writing about her for awhile, and been telling her about my adventures and my dates and my troubles.. its been great having this C as my friend. I listen to her and her great stories, support her writings and just there for her... Honestly thinking about it all the weekend about how she has impacted my life recently is well... amazing. I look forward to speak to her, i smile at her texts and just giddy. I know now she is special... some people just come and go but we have stuck it thru... Do i sound like a whiny person? maybe... but i do like to express my feelings more since my divorce. One thing in my previous relationship with Nikki was that she always loved my expression of emotions and openness. Something i never really was with my ex... i was asked lastnight by lawyer girl if i ever experienced true love... i had to think about that... I think with my ex i thought it was true love, there might have been an instance but it wasnt all out obvious soulmate. We talked about that feeling and she was explaining to me that u just feel it... but what scratched my head was she was willing to dump him cuz he was questioning her actions. So if true love is felt, is it also so willing to be destroyed? Valkyrie is dating her best friend... they have broken up and gotten back together a couple times, and each time it seems to be stronger and stronger. They know so much about each other you figure thats the best.... but they have problems too... now i am really confused... Dating a best friend falling for a best friend... true love?? yes going back into this game is gonna take some used to. gonna have to rediscover what all this is....

Back to C... i think she is my stepping stone, i was hesitant with Nikki and Valkyrie i realized i was to late... C is still here she laughs with me and cries with me.. i share o much and it feels good. I feel somethimes i smother her with my actions but she still listens. I true friend indeed. its only natural to like her and love her......  she is my best friend for life

Killing time

I love talking to Lawyer girl, she has such great tast in music and just fun... way out there on personality but awesome in looks and very outgoing.... her current boyfriend has been calling her out on her analness and she has been asking me if thats normal... maybe maybe not.... she loves him to death but is second guessing his actions...

as far as C.... i hope i didnt scare her off with my blog... she is just amazing to me but i cant have her. I do however like being there and her friend, that is a given. Her problems seem to be there but she is planning and thinking about solutions. lets hope they help. with me not going out there it seems to have gone a lot better. It just sucks that i couldnt take her out to places to go or have fun

Stop and Stare....

hmmm Well this weekend ended up being a bust... my trip to vegas was canceled and my mom uggggh she means well but why would i buy junk food?? haha anyways... I have grown fond of C lately, not sure why.. maybe because she is always there for me, the others just come and go but C is there... Valkyrie has gone back to her BF and seems to be very happy, and farmers market gal is just somewhere else.... So why why do i find this people that I seem to care for, she makes me smile and laugh and all around feel good. Times are tough for her now and one such as myself need to back away.. we have expressed feelings and fun but with her life on the brink of change, i must be there for her as a friend should be. I hope things work out for her. The recent jealousy and untrust is hard to deal with, my recent encounters with such a thing has been a long road but manageable, yes it does sometimes bring out the worst in us and especially when the trust is broken. we feel betrayed and hurt.... I am kinda glad i didnt go but also sad.. yes things might have gone ways we dare speak of or more than likely just had a good time. Unfortunately it is at a bad time... so much for her to think about and me around isnt making things any better...  She wants me there and I want to be there.....

Somehow this is sounding like a crush thing, she knows i like her but i cant do anything about it... i dont push it upon her or try and sway her decisions.. we just have fun... can those co exist?? its working so far, some days i just wonder and get lost in my dream world... who ever knew i could love again after my last relationship... but yes i lub her but only in a way she understands.

yer good....

hmmm where to start...

Stop and stare...

Valkyrie.... A goddess of beauty and strength that swoops down and rescues the fallen warriors in the battlefield ... Such a person existed in my life... There at my weakest time. First woman I met and just had great conversations with... Shared cared cried and got angry with... She pushed me back into being creative, she pulled me out of my lonely state of depression. She showed me that there is life beyond what I thought was the end... I owe her a lot. Along my journey of self discovery I grew a fond attraction towards her. Someone I can open up to and be myself again...

If I just lay here...

The tension is high at home.... I can't wait to move but I'm not looking forward to leaving the kids... my daughter and I have grown closer... she is a daddys girl and she will miss me. I get sad just thinking about it.
It's interesting what people outside yur circle see... C is totally against valkyrie. And wants to smack me for even liking her... hmmm. Today valkyrie seemed to be ok, she is still sad but receptive.

I took a ride down to oceanside to say hi to Nikki parents. They were happy to see me and hugs were givin. I like them... good people. Made me think of the random road trips we make... I remember sitting there with her at the painted desert in new Mexico telling me I could do anything and making me want to live again... I miss my Nikki

I'd do anything for you...

Sitting here on the bus recollecting my day... not only does work suck do to idiot people but my impatience might get the best of me... its to early to do any thing but it might be to late to make anything work... maybe I over analyse stuff or want things to work. But once I attain my goal... then what.. that's where the work begins... keeping the relationship strong and not boring is work on both parts... with c it has been fun everyday. We amuse each other with daily quirks and problems of random things. That's a healthy relationship in my eyes. With valkyrie we chat and text and laugh.. but I know her heart is set somewhere else. Maybe one day but till then its work in progress. I do enjoy being her friend and am honored that she has opened up so much already. I'm not sure where I'm going with this... I do know where I like to be bit getting there is the challenge.  We have been talking more than we have been and feelings have been shared but its to early for anything to go on... or it just could be me. 

Next week I move out of my home for the second time... I over stayed my welcome and its time to move on... this will be my first place alone and I'm kinda scared... I won't have the kids as much and being alone might bring out my depression.. I'm already getting anxiety just thinking about it... I have thought of stuff to do in the meantime but who knows...

The time I'm taking , I hope its not wasted

When u have a piece of heaven, what do you do with it?? Just walk away?? Just something I find frustrating... my years of chasing valkyrie came to an unfortunate turn this weekend. See her hurt and broken frustrate me.. I can't do anything from where I'm at except support her and be there... I wish I could do more and I will... I've decided to go all out now. When I first met her it was awesome and fun. At the park this weekend, I know she was stressed and happy to see her old friends...
I ask myself why I continue to follow her?? Why do I like her so much?? Other than the fact she is hot as Hell... her witty self, intelligence and being a great mom to her kids she me she has compassion and humility and a bit of a wassup nature. I like that.
Her kids are fun and made me miss how little my kids were.

To be continued

Hmmm I know my name...

Hmmm I really should keep this updated for all the stuff running thru my head... good bad whatever... my friend C has been amazing helping me get thru things and always wish her well... valkyrie still swoons me but nothing I can do about it... why do I still act on it?? The possibility ?? I know I will see her soon and that will be interesting...

I started a Facebook page on my bus adventures and it has been fun so far... I guess I need to becareful as to what I put on there because now there is local people looking at it and they might know who is on there... haha oh well...

My daughter turns 13... Omg has it been that long since I've been with my ex?? I am very proud the way my daughter is growing up, she is funny and lovable by all... just like her dad :)

I don't wanna lose your love tonight...

Hmmm yesterday C invited me to stay with her in Vegas... Wait what?? The same girl I have been liking and sharing unbelievable moments with wants to meet me irl and stay with her over the weekend in the city of sin?? As much as that sounds like a fantasy and dream I'm sure it will be just that... Ya we have shared some great moments that make even us blush to this day. We have developed a great friendship. Yes she is a beautiful person and pretty and amazing... But alas she is taken.... Wtf is up with finding awesome women like that and they are taken... I dream of taking her away and I dream of more but I like the fact I can trust her... A nite of fun you may think!?!? Ya I wish and I know the thoughts would be present... But I have respect and love for her I would not do such things.. those will be locked away for my own personal enjoyment... What does she think? I'm betting on the same thing.. she is skeptical about me sleeping there bit I feel the trust she has in me to let it go... Ya if something happens it would be mutual but at this point its at a hold on to yur own...
I am excited to meet her, this will be the 3rd person I have met from the internet... But interesting that our first meeting will be spending the night... Wow that's some awesome trust that has been built and I appreciate it a lot ..

Super Dino Power thingie....

Its been awhile since i wrote in here and the last time i did, i was accused of something that was laughable at... anyways these past couple weeks have been very up ad down for me. I saw a person i met in the internet that flirted with but never thought i would have meet in real life. It was fun and really enjoyed each other... but now the other thing is i was letting myself get to emotionally involved with a nearly impossible person... why would i do such a thing?? was it the lust? was it the trust?? the attraction? the feel good personality that exudes from this person? She has been nothing but amazing to me and lately her ordeal with real life has me thinking my priorities and attainable goals... I like her and want to love her but the one obsitcle is in the way and this made me realize that i cant do this... Lately the chats and the attention is becoming less, and i cant get myself but hurt over that. She has her things she needs to deal with and im chasing soemthing that i shouldnt be... Byt am i chasing??? yes and no... i like her and what she does to me, i like what and how she cares for me, i like the trust we share and the things we share... but maybe it was to much? no its something i need to control... I did start talking to others to ween myself away from those thoughts of her. I dont want to ignore her but i dont want to fall for her, i love what we have but i think its changing to the friends and less of the sharing... i may be crazy maybe its a good thing this is evolving to this... time will tell

Valkyrie has been popping around lately and from what i understand her bf and her are having issues... its hard for a guy that has no kids try to enter a world of a family... i could imagine the issues that present themselves...

I am feeling useless right now... not wanting to do anything and feeling ashamed... not exactly sure why...

Before coming to conclusion... do yur research.

It's interesting to me how others perceive yur thoughts...  I write on here about friends and people I like and the things we share... I keep their names masked from the public eye to protect them and myself. But there is a time I willbhave to explain what goes on here to people that don't understand free thinking and the ability to open ones feelings... lately I have been writing about a friend named C... she does not live in Texas nor will she ever live there. It is someone I met on Twitter from the north and a very awesome person indeed. My Texas friend is dating someone that is concerned about her loyalty... as far as I know from knowing her as long as I do... she gives her relationships her all...  and will not give up till she knows its over. I like that dedication in a person. I hope things work out for her as she is trying to work it out... 

Sexual Bucket List

Online there is a list of the 50 sexual things you must do. I have crossed out everything that I have done. Thou the list was made from the looks of it to be geared for a woman.... still funny answering it

1. Kiss a girl
2. Have anal And like it.
3. Have a threesome
4. Engage in group sex
5. Have phone sex
6. Masturbate
   
7. Use a vibrator
8. Use a sex toy on someone else
9. Be tied up
10. Tie someone up
11. Have sex in a public space
12. Be a voyeur and watch others having sex
13. Sex in a car
14. Sex at a drive-in
15. Mile-high club
16. Sex with a stranger
17. One-night stand
18. Married sex
19. Sex on a boat
20. Sex in a body of water
21. Light spanking
22. Read erotica
23. Play strip poker/Monopoly/card game
24. Sex in the shower
25. Sex standing up against a wall
26. Sex with no kissing
27. Sex in the pitch black
28. Sex in the broad daylight
29. Making out with no sex long after you’re no longer a virgin
30. Sex in a tent in the wilderness
31. Watch porn together
32. Watch porn alone
33. Learn to give yourself multiple orgasms
34. Sex on the beach
35. Blindfolds
36. Using ice sexually
37. Sexual role play
38. Whipped cream
39. La Perla lingerie sex
40. Frederick’s of Hollywood lingerie sex (yes she was wearing it)
41. Sex with someone much older
42. Sex with someone younger
43. Sex in a foreign country, possibly with a foreigner
44. A quickie while she was in a skirt
45. A longie in the rain
46. Sex in the ocean while people swim all around you
47. Feather ticklers
48. Sex while “altered” whether by alcohol or something else
49. Learn to orgasm in less than five minutes from intercourse alone
50. Silent sex in a full house

Interesting list.....

Here we go....

This weekend was amazing, kind of... C has been nothing but awesomely me, for my birthday she was the only one that gave me a gift and called to wish me a happy bday, I love this woman.... interesting how I use such a word freely with her. Our friendship has blossomed into something more. My only setback at making it further than what it is, is that she is already taken. Now the old john would be to say screw it and continue trying to seduce her into my evil world. But I cant with C... yes our friendship has improved to more than what normal friends do... but who said we were normal.  I really enjoy what we have.... as odd as it is it works for us and I really don't want it to stop.

Today however she tested me "you scare me..." hmmm uh oh... something that has been lingering in my head for awhile, how long can you have the perfect dream before you wake up to reality. Eventually it has to end, your eyes open to what needs to he done. C has been there for me thru tough times and good times. I think each passing day we share something that brings us closer.... but will that hurt us in the long run? That day we have to part or even get closer? I think we love living the moment... and enjoy what we have there too. But what's gonna happen when that moment comes to move on. When I find that person or she needs to end it. I know for one thing that we will always be friends and we have already chiseled a piece of us in our hearts. I often wonder why she has and continued to do what we do, is her home life missing that what I fill in? Is she just adventurous and looking for something new? I'm not sure what it is but I know she is torn about something... I even mentioned something and she immediately to defence and I was like hmmm not what I intended really...

I know I can't have her yet I'm here still wanting her, I know I can't touch her the way I want to yet I'm still here hoping... we share so much and get lost in our little world yet reality slaps us as soon as the life focuses back. Maybe its the escape we need from life. We need each other for that....maybe.....  whatever it may be its there looming above us and taunting us... I like what there is here and don't want to change it. The feeling of being wanted for who I am and the compliments and emotional situations that come and go... I love this woman for who she is and does to me... maybe one day ill meet someone as cool as her. Till then I like what I have. And apparently so does she....

C.... you are my life right now and you will be in it till I die, I cannot think of a time without you, I almost want to fall in love with you but I can't... so you definitely have my love that a best friend can offer and the love of a person that cares who you are and what you represent. I will never forget what we have shared and know you won't either. And may there be many more memories to be made and experienced.....

When you say...

I knew one of these days I would write this... and yet I continue to torture myself with it.. well its not exactly torture, its more of a self release and branching out of my world that I created when I was depressed. C has been great to me since day one. Our sense of humor is naughty and nice. We think alike and enjoy the ever lasting company that has been there. The one thing I fear the most is falling for her. Now why would I do that? John you haven't even met her in person.. but over the past year it has been fun getting to know her and trust her...  but john you have a habit to fall in love with impossible people... she is my best friend that could trust and just have fun with.  John, what are you gonna do?  We have done things that have strengthened our friendship. The beyond part I think intimidates our real life meeting.. what if we don't like each other, what if we jump each others bones, what if we fall in love... yes its all there floating in my head.. I am a nice person and honestly I don't think I could let it go anywhere that might hurt her in the long run. Losing her marriage, her life or what have you. Maybe she wants a side project, or a good friend to cry on.
What ever it may be I like whats there. evolving into some more that friends maybe, or just that special bonding that is needed in our lives.. the heart and care is there.

So again I like her but not in the strange stalkerish ways of past relationships. But in almost a loving sense of who she is and what we share.  Grant it I could fall in love with her but i can't.  It's just simpler that way...

Charmer

So i sit here thinking to myself what am i doing.... I met this really cool person last year, she is very hot, sensual and nice. We talk for hours and about anything. Most of the time i flirt with her and she seems to like it. Over the past couple months its been getting very naughty and personable. Opening to each other about things you dont really tell your best friend. But thats it we are best friends to each other.... It would be wrong to advance anything with her, only because the friendship we have now will change if things become physical. As a male i get those urges with her, hell like i said she is hot!!! On top of that, she is one of the rare people that has seen me for who i am and she has even made me do things I am not even sure i wanna repeat to others..... now thats crazy. Over all our daily routines and whimsical quips on life has only let people that witness this to believe "is that yur girlfriend???" Wait WTF???

Ya.... The things we do would consider it as a couple or maybe not... maybe im just in weird la la land with her... who knows. I do enjoy talking to her and look forward to it every day. Today however was the day we talked about in meeting face to face. Would it be wise? would the temptation be to overbearing? Knowing me i would be kicking rocks and shy when it comes to social interaction. But i know already so much about her so the comfort zone is already present. I will honor her space and our friendship but my thoughts will be all over the place, the what ifs and the wondering.. but thats normal on any meet up.

this has just been a gathering of thoughts and wonderment, I do enjoy talking to her and i do like making her smile. I am balancing on that line of falling for her but mostly i am there for her. Icannot pass that line, i cannot let myself do such a thing because i told her i wouldnt. Deep down inside i wish i can. Plus im in no position to. I need to get my life going back to the way i want it. And recent reminders of past relationships have made me stand back for a second to look what i have. My fwb just told me she wanted to stop. it was to much for her because she started to have feelings. There are others too that want to go out but Its hard for me to at this time because of transportation and where I live... I am hoping this will be solved within the next 5 months or so. Patience.

its good to get some things out and just write them. I think my head is clear enough to becareful of what i choose. A mutual understanding is there and thats what i like. We have fun and thats what matters. anything beyond that is dealt accordingly. I can sleep knowing she will be there tomorrow. our relationship is odd but it is the best that ive had in a long time....

eight...

I knew one of these days I would write this blog and sure why not today... I have befriended someone last year and she has been nothing but amazing. We have been talking everyday since then, just about random things and life... Our similarities and needs makes us almost perfect for each other, its rather scary. Anyways we happen to fall upon each other when our lives needed something to either spice or just needed that ear to listen. Friendship was established, lines were drawn and so we went into the unknown of knowing each other. Our journey was just weird to tell people, so pretty much its been just her and I. My friends bailing on me and my work friends arent up to that trusting phase yet. C and I just started opening up to each other.

Texts are exchanged, pictures are sent... that line is being stepped on and both of us like it...

hmmmmm.....double decker bus???

Fighting me ex always turns out to me on the wrong end of the stick.... I hate confrontation and just often do what is necessary to remedy the situation. I actually had some good points to bring up but she had a secret weapon that just made me shut up walk away and start packing... I hate feeling like this, alone worthless and ashamed as to who i became. I am a good person, or i like to think i am... others seem to like me but why is it the person you live with see it differently. The common day annoyances? Saying one thing and meaning another? Well i had my reasons to wonder why this outburst was called upon. and leaving... i felt bad for what i did and who i became... I think I will hide and become a hermit... my life just isnt what it needs to be right now and she pointed out very clearly to me that i need something...

I rarely talk about my ex on here and considering most of the problems I have stemmed from her. Some days i just wanna say screw it and just let her have the kids and walk away... some days the opposite. I just need to focus on me getting out of here and on my own.... let her fall. which i highly doubt i cuz of other reasons....

bahhhh going to bed

this is it...

The one thing i have noticed that i have some really cool online friends.... but sometimes i get attached to them that I myself have to step back just to gain my self control... why is this? I think with my latest friend that I have been talking to has opened up my thoughts on this.. She is very attractive and intelligent. She has a sort of attraction to me to. But our relationship has evolved to something that normal people may consider weird or just not right. Yet we continue to amuse ourselves with daily banter and whimsical chatting that makes each of us smile and feel wanted. I think thats our common thing we have... she has something i want in a person but cant have. I am the one that can make her smile and escape her daily routine and give her that attention she needs, yet she is bound to her real life... I dont know yet of her intentions and why she seeks me at first but i like what it has become.... Friends just dont happen, you have to develop and gain their trust. I look forward to talk to her and can tell her anything. we do alot of flirting and maybe to much but its fun. Many people in my life will come and go, some takes time to earn that title as best friend.

These past years it has been a struggle to find someone like this, my old friends i betrayed, and it still haunts me for what i did. But it made me a stronger person and changed me.

BUT... Sometimes i push myself the wrong way.....why? yet she is still there... I remember she drew a line not to cross, and little by little i challenged it... why?? selfish? the challenge??? who knows but its fun.... I think she will be around for a long time....

Unless she didnt like what i did today....

ummmm dog???

Who in their right mind doesnt care for Disneyland?? well in my journies thru life i have met such people... My coworker said she hasnt seen many movies and well only been to Disneyland once and hated it, now her kids who are older love disneyland and to my thinking love it because they were sheltered as a child because the parental unit didnt expose it to them. Over the weekend i came across another person, but this time experienced it first hand. A friend of mine from the past, I will call her G-girl....

So she called me up and we did the formal hellos and rememberences of the past and well it came down to she asking me to goto Disneyland with her. she got some tickets to the happiest place on earth and since she never have been, thought it would be fun to take me. We dated a little bit in college but went our separate ways when life started to happen. With pop culture the way it is and the strangle hold that disney has on our children wasnt enough, here stood in front of me a person that had no idea of who Ariel was or what neverland represents...

Me... well i am a kid at heart, I like going to disneyland... and everyone I have ever taken loved it too.... But G-girl..... this was interesting.

Bad Medicine..... is what i need....

So today apon texting C today, i thought it would be crazy to actually call her and hear her voice... I met C online last may asking about some recipe and surprisingly she was kind enough to reply. This started a long inquisition of questions and flirting... harmless at first but then it developed into a really close friendship... I think its possible to have really good online friends and relationships. C was really cool about it, she accepted my cheesy flirts and i accepted her hotness and creative mind. Anyways its been a fun ride getting to know her we kinda compliment each other well in the areas we are missing.... I fill a hole in her life and she fills that missing friend i need... Thou I could easily fall for someone like that she keeps stern to her line drawn but dabbles her flirty nature to soothe any thoughts heheh. It works well for both of us. So after 8 months of just twittering and texting i finally grew the balls and called her, i tease myself as being shy and well...... its true. Had so many cheesy lines and things i could say and BAM i choke.... WHY is that??? she seemed to be nervous to. was it the spider on the dashboard that put us in a blank stare? why were we like deer staring at headlights of an on coming car.... Worried??? cautious??? who knew...

Its interesting to me the whole process of becoming a good friend or a great friend or even a Best friend... why do we have to have competitions for this title? but then there friends in different categories and friends that are stand ins till yur reall bff comes around.... I guess we will never know but I know the friends title rotates when it isnt kept up to a common standard. If it isnt maintained then things fade.... I think C has showed me that friends has to have common interests to make it exciting and fun to continue. C has also relieved me of my semi loneliness, I look forward to chatting with her and Its weird the random things that we talk about.

Enough of the EMO rant....

Those were the best days of my life... nice song to end this blog entry hahaha

Pure flavor and awesome POP!!!

What am i doing????? i have a couple friends that i text every now and then... but there are some that really get into it... in ways that ummm ya... Its fun to a point, yes things get heated but then it gets frustrating, exchanging words and pictures is fun and very inciting, but at what cost. Tattoo girl has been an interesting person to step in my life. Met her on the bus with idle chit chat, then out of the blue she was intimate. It was a fun relationship but to short to develop into anything longterm. According to her she was just here visiting family and moved back to the east coast last month. Which brings me to what happened. Having a physical relationship was fun and almost something I want to have or find again. A non committal fun... is that even possible without a heartgiving situation... I think it was. Friends with benefits work if both people are in the same mind set, once someone starts to have feelings it could go either way. Mostly to the bad side. Tattoo girl had no intention of keeping me around but i didnt have enough time to even fall for her. It was wham bam thank you I'll call you later bye bye.... Yes the sex was amazing and the conversations were short, is that healthy? I seem to be ok with that. there are some people i would like to experience with NSA but who knows where that will go or if it will ever be.

Now with these others that want to have this with me... I wonder if its long term or not. What do I want??? I am still uncertain to what that is.... in the mean time i just go with the flow and make everyone happy that comes around. I dont often come across this but when its presented.... would you??

I'd Die for you...

Its funny how the music that pops up in everyday life reminds you of certain people, the lyrics, the music, the sounds and movements. All very memorable of times past present or future. One of my closest and dears friends texted me for the first time the other day telling me to look up a song that maybe was for me or not but given the circumstances the title was appropriate for our current conversations. The Pony by Genuwine turned out to be a really sexually charges song... I liked it and instantly thought of her in many ways, but also funny cuz it fit what were have been chatting about. Yes its been awhile again that i have written here and yes there is someone new that has entered my circle of friends... yes C has played a pivotal part in my recovery to life, its amazes me the things people do or say to cheer me up or even just have a simple conversation about mundane life... I may hove found a special friend to say hi to or even talk about kids to.. My roommate has been distancing herself as of late, I am not sure if she is just sick of me or she is having problems with her life. Adult interaction as come down to internet friends since phone reception here sucks ass.

C has been amazing, I am not sure the last time i just sat and chatted with someone till the end of the day about random stuff, but i plan on meeting her someday.

Valkyrie I think is out of the picture for now, random texts and calls here and there... maybe for the better'