hmmmmm.....double decker bus???

Fighting me ex always turns out to me on the wrong end of the stick.... I hate confrontation and just often do what is necessary to remedy the situation. I actually had some good points to bring up but she had a secret weapon that just made me shut up walk away and start packing... I hate feeling like this, alone worthless and ashamed as to who i became. I am a good person, or i like to think i am... others seem to like me but why is it the person you live with see it differently. The common day annoyances? Saying one thing and meaning another? Well i had my reasons to wonder why this outburst was called upon. and leaving... i felt bad for what i did and who i became... I think I will hide and become a hermit... my life just isnt what it needs to be right now and she pointed out very clearly to me that i need something...

I rarely talk about my ex on here and considering most of the problems I have stemmed from her. Some days i just wanna say screw it and just let her have the kids and walk away... some days the opposite. I just need to focus on me getting out of here and on my own.... let her fall. which i highly doubt i cuz of other reasons....

bahhhh going to bed

this is it...

The one thing i have noticed that i have some really cool online friends.... but sometimes i get attached to them that I myself have to step back just to gain my self control... why is this? I think with my latest friend that I have been talking to has opened up my thoughts on this.. She is very attractive and intelligent. She has a sort of attraction to me to. But our relationship has evolved to something that normal people may consider weird or just not right. Yet we continue to amuse ourselves with daily banter and whimsical chatting that makes each of us smile and feel wanted. I think thats our common thing we have... she has something i want in a person but cant have. I am the one that can make her smile and escape her daily routine and give her that attention she needs, yet she is bound to her real life... I dont know yet of her intentions and why she seeks me at first but i like what it has become.... Friends just dont happen, you have to develop and gain their trust. I look forward to talk to her and can tell her anything. we do alot of flirting and maybe to much but its fun. Many people in my life will come and go, some takes time to earn that title as best friend.

These past years it has been a struggle to find someone like this, my old friends i betrayed, and it still haunts me for what i did. But it made me a stronger person and changed me.

BUT... Sometimes i push myself the wrong way.....why? yet she is still there... I remember she drew a line not to cross, and little by little i challenged it... why?? selfish? the challenge??? who knows but its fun.... I think she will be around for a long time....

Unless she didnt like what i did today....