Dango....

I had to

while you are being a douche

you better appreciate what you have.....

While you are ignoring her,
Another guy is giving her attention...

While you're giving her problems.....
Another guy is listening

While you're to busy for her....
Another guy is making time for her....

While you're making her cry.....
Another guy is trying to make her smile again....

While you're not sure if you still want her.....
Another guy has already figured it out....

wait what

.....

Get up....

day 2 of my new place and all i have is my rug and a couple dishes... oh and some top ramen hahah anyways.... its been over a week and nothing... I think i have to move on cuz if i wait i will go crazy.

Love you like a love song

Well its almost been a week.. yes i survived and it seems things arent going the way they seem... just getting the bad vibes. I really miss her... I dont know why i do so much.. She has been there everyday and just opened eared to everything i had to say, she would tell me her frustrations and we would talk them out.... I miss that. I have things i need to get off my chest to. My mother, my work, my kids and my new apt. It isnt fair that a little infatuation i kept to myself has punished me. she knew of it but i never pushed for anything... Now im stuck trying to gain the trust all over again.. and its hard... I dont like it and need her back in my life. but alas that isnt in my control. :(

I do miss you and hope you are happy
:)

What a girl wants...

Seeing this unfold from the sidelines makes me wonder who now is in the right... I don't know all the details but from wandering around I can see where he is coming from. What is she doing to keep this together? At least they are talking it out.

As for me... I just wanna reach out...but I can't.. I tried to talk to my other friends but I can't... The trust I have developed with C is all I have right now... Ya I probably should go somewhere else. But its hard to just throw away something that you have gained and given... Even if we do start talking again.. will it be different? Most likely. We shall see if that day even comes. 

Jealousy

It tears you apart.....  
I've seen how and experienced how jealousy can ruin a relationship... Always wondering. Always second guessing... Trust failing... It's not a good feeling...

alone...

my brief pity party was today... its almost the end of the day and i haven't heard anything... I hope all is ok. I didn't realize how much you can miss someone when they aren't around... I wanna tell her about my friend, i wanna tell her about my mom... and my new place... just now... no one to talk to... My good friend Anne came back to town today. She flew all the way from Seattle to see me. She is a wonderful person and i appreciate all she has done. 

depression... i see you around that corner... not today. I will walk the other way.....

Chasing Cars..

wow... ok so ....I hope now that he has this he doesnt blow it.... give her what she needs and yearns for, make her love you again... Good luck my friend. It was a great friendship.

I find it funny how often my web stats show the location of visitors and the times they come and go.... almost making sure... :P

ups and downs

Apple has been a big part of my computer experiences, I am sad to hear about Steve Jobs today... I was sitting in Starbucks playing on twitter when the rumors started popping up then the official twitter sites started investigating.... then Apple made the announcement .... iSad... what made me smile thou was that everyone else in the place all had apple products. the girl sitting with me had her macbook pro and her iphone, the guy next to me at the next table had his ipad... i had my ipod and it was amazing that this guy has helped shape a generation... RIP

Because of apple, i am able to video chat with my kids from hundreds of miles away... Facetime rules

shyness is nice.....

The thing about expressing what you think online is that there will always be a critic or someone that doesnt like to read what you have to say... yet i continue writing. Constructive criticism??  maybe... am i glutton for punishment... probably... These past couple days have been a whirlwind... and now i am a victim of my own fault. Why was i so stupid in relaying my feelings? I shouldve kept them hidden like any normal person would do... You see a crush and just fantasize about them on yur own with no interaction... but no. Now i have lost a really good friend and possibly created an enemy unintentionally. But problems existed before me... where is the line?? whatever the case maybe, moving on is probably the best choice.... but i cant. And i wont. She asked me to stay and help her... not be in a relationship, not have sex, not carry her family. Just to help her get thru her ups and downs of life. As a friend i will be there. as far as anything else... no. as it has always been...

in other news Farmers market gal showed up out of the blue and helped me take my mind off things, it was an interesting night to say the least. I may have to repay the favor soon.

Fuckery

hmmm these last two days have been a little off the wall, the stress from work, the delay of my place being built and still living with mom, the kids and my ex, my dead gf family, snd the resurfacing of old problems... NOT to mention the drama over my friend. Apparently people read this page that likes to construe this blog as fact when its my online place to escape and let out my thoughts... Take it how you will but its nice to let out what I think and afraid to experience in real life. We all have that place in our head but i like to share it here.

Nikkis parents are in town, and the more i see them the more i really miss her, why she was taken away from me is still something i try hard to cope with, almost 3 years since her death and the memories are still lingering in my head. Anne also is having a tough time dealing with this. Together we try to make the best of it.......  I miss you Nikki, i really need you right now..

as far as my family, I dont talk about them that much on here so i will leave it at that.. I like having my kids around and miss them dearly, they make me smile and laugh.
As far as the current situation, ugggh......................................................................................... where to begin.................................... Anne an I have started talking about having a beyond friends relationship for awhile now, i cant seem to wanna commit due to some factors that exist and she knows it, the safety of my kids come first and well she knows what has to be done if it were to ever come down to it, we have been great with our current situations but wonder to much what it would be like to have more. She has been great and understanding. I love her for that and the openess she has with me. As far as Valkyrie go... where the heck did she go? she like disappeared off the face of the planet.... Lawyer girl is happy with her fiance and farmers market girl and I are to hit up disneyland next month. and then theres C.... ugggh talk about a big situation... Her marriage is on the brink of failure, her husband doesnt trust her... and because of it i may lose my best friend. I have grown fond of C these past couple of months, because she understands me. I like the attention and just the warm friendliness we have. its almost 2 years since we met online and shared our lives... Even thou i have never met this person, I like the fact that i have a goto person when feeling down and just need to talk. Lately her life has been in disarray so its been hard to get with her. I have been giving her advice to work it out with her hubby, and its been hard. once we men get on that jealous track its tough to get off of it. Constant wondering and questioning everything.... i have been there. I love C, but I love C for who she is and what she does, I like the creative mind she has, her writings are amazing. I love her attention and her views on life. I love that she gets up and cares for the well being of her family, making breakfast, dinner everyday. I love that she can turn my bad day into a great day. I am sad to see her upset and just lost in these times right now, i wish her and her husband could find a common ground. I fear this may  not end  well but they need to find why they loved each other in the 1st place. grasp on that and run. compromise the changes and prepare for each other for the future.

haha again i am atrocious with the spelling and grammer and it makes me laugh, I am to lazy to go back and change it and well... its just not me to do such a thing hehehe....