Here we go....

This weekend was amazing, kind of... C has been nothing but awesomely me, for my birthday she was the only one that gave me a gift and called to wish me a happy bday, I love this woman.... interesting how I use such a word freely with her. Our friendship has blossomed into something more. My only setback at making it further than what it is, is that she is already taken. Now the old john would be to say screw it and continue trying to seduce her into my evil world. But I cant with C... yes our friendship has improved to more than what normal friends do... but who said we were normal.  I really enjoy what we have.... as odd as it is it works for us and I really don't want it to stop.

Today however she tested me "you scare me..." hmmm uh oh... something that has been lingering in my head for awhile, how long can you have the perfect dream before you wake up to reality. Eventually it has to end, your eyes open to what needs to he done. C has been there for me thru tough times and good times. I think each passing day we share something that brings us closer.... but will that hurt us in the long run? That day we have to part or even get closer? I think we love living the moment... and enjoy what we have there too. But what's gonna happen when that moment comes to move on. When I find that person or she needs to end it. I know for one thing that we will always be friends and we have already chiseled a piece of us in our hearts. I often wonder why she has and continued to do what we do, is her home life missing that what I fill in? Is she just adventurous and looking for something new? I'm not sure what it is but I know she is torn about something... I even mentioned something and she immediately to defence and I was like hmmm not what I intended really...

I know I can't have her yet I'm here still wanting her, I know I can't touch her the way I want to yet I'm still here hoping... we share so much and get lost in our little world yet reality slaps us as soon as the life focuses back. Maybe its the escape we need from life. We need each other for that....maybe.....  whatever it may be its there looming above us and taunting us... I like what there is here and don't want to change it. The feeling of being wanted for who I am and the compliments and emotional situations that come and go... I love this woman for who she is and does to me... maybe one day ill meet someone as cool as her. Till then I like what I have. And apparently so does she....

C.... you are my life right now and you will be in it till I die, I cannot think of a time without you, I almost want to fall in love with you but I can't... so you definitely have my love that a best friend can offer and the love of a person that cares who you are and what you represent. I will never forget what we have shared and know you won't either. And may there be many more memories to be made and experienced.....

When you say...

I knew one of these days I would write this... and yet I continue to torture myself with it.. well its not exactly torture, its more of a self release and branching out of my world that I created when I was depressed. C has been great to me since day one. Our sense of humor is naughty and nice. We think alike and enjoy the ever lasting company that has been there. The one thing I fear the most is falling for her. Now why would I do that? John you haven't even met her in person.. but over the past year it has been fun getting to know her and trust her...  but john you have a habit to fall in love with impossible people... she is my best friend that could trust and just have fun with.  John, what are you gonna do?  We have done things that have strengthened our friendship. The beyond part I think intimidates our real life meeting.. what if we don't like each other, what if we jump each others bones, what if we fall in love... yes its all there floating in my head.. I am a nice person and honestly I don't think I could let it go anywhere that might hurt her in the long run. Losing her marriage, her life or what have you. Maybe she wants a side project, or a good friend to cry on.
What ever it may be I like whats there. evolving into some more that friends maybe, or just that special bonding that is needed in our lives.. the heart and care is there.

So again I like her but not in the strange stalkerish ways of past relationships. But in almost a loving sense of who she is and what we share.  Grant it I could fall in love with her but i can't.  It's just simpler that way...