C

I do this to save her, i am to much of a distraction on him and for them... I don't like it but it must be done... to regain my sanity and to let her regain hers... I .... ya i will leave it at just that.......................

one day i will be back when the dust settles and hopefully she will be happy at that time... I lub you... and farewell my friend....

till we meet again

taking time..

I started to doodle more.... just a little here and there before i get into bigger stuff.... Why I choose to draw Cyclops... not sure... not one of my favorite X-men but sure why not....

Chasing...

One glance in to your eyes has the power to steal my breath and throw the rhythm of my heart. The curve of your lips and your smile can take the ground from beneath my feet. Just to look at you makes me feel as though I'm wrapped in the softest, warmest blanket in the world. Please don't ever stop looking and smiling.


Today's unfortunate events had me thinking of the 1st time it had happened... It took me forever to recover and maybe i haven't fully recovered because still to this day i wish when i am around her.. I am not sure how this happened or my intentions weren't clear enough..  somewhere blinded by the playful banter or the flirtatious chatter have i lost the meaning of this friendship. Grant it from the beginning i lusted over her and the feelings were mutual. as things just seemed to get better, things became even special. We shared everything... the lust aside and the best friend has set in.... One thing that has always killed it for me and for the last couple people I have liked has gone this way...
BFF ya i can do that... but
























lub you

Unfinished work...

I starting drawing again... One thing i was always aweful at was drawing the female figure, i might as well start practicing again. Not a bad attempt but also my luck ran out when my ink dried up ugggh

let it flow.....

what the heck.... staying at my moms house has been lonely... all she does is watch tv and talk smack about people, i love her but wow.. Anyways 3 blog posts in 24 hours??? Why the sudden splurge of thoughts?? I knew something like this would happen. Leaving my home the 1st time was hard, but the intention was to fix myself and comeback... trying to salvage a failed marriage i left and started to rebuild myself. Meeting great people on the way and with hopes of being happy again. I realized then, this wasnt meant to be. Now the 2nd time leaving, i am aware that there is no return and this would close the book on this chapter and the start of a new book. Its hard right now.... Moving to my own place, starting anew for the 1st time. I left all the things i gathered throughout our lives together with her, in hopes that new things equal to new beginnings. I am confident that things will go right... its just scary now that its here... Making things happen...
I miss my kids, my daughter really misses me..

another thing that has been occupying mind has been C... why?? yes i have been writing about her for awhile, and been telling her about my adventures and my dates and my troubles.. its been great having this C as my friend. I listen to her and her great stories, support her writings and just there for her... Honestly thinking about it all the weekend about how she has impacted my life recently is well... amazing. I look forward to speak to her, i smile at her texts and just giddy. I know now she is special... some people just come and go but we have stuck it thru... Do i sound like a whiny person? maybe... but i do like to express my feelings more since my divorce. One thing in my previous relationship with Nikki was that she always loved my expression of emotions and openness. Something i never really was with my ex... i was asked lastnight by lawyer girl if i ever experienced true love... i had to think about that... I think with my ex i thought it was true love, there might have been an instance but it wasnt all out obvious soulmate. We talked about that feeling and she was explaining to me that u just feel it... but what scratched my head was she was willing to dump him cuz he was questioning her actions. So if true love is felt, is it also so willing to be destroyed? Valkyrie is dating her best friend... they have broken up and gotten back together a couple times, and each time it seems to be stronger and stronger. They know so much about each other you figure thats the best.... but they have problems too... now i am really confused... Dating a best friend falling for a best friend... true love?? yes going back into this game is gonna take some used to. gonna have to rediscover what all this is....

Back to C... i think she is my stepping stone, i was hesitant with Nikki and Valkyrie i realized i was to late... C is still here she laughs with me and cries with me.. i share o much and it feels good. I feel somethimes i smother her with my actions but she still listens. I true friend indeed. its only natural to like her and love her......  she is my best friend for life

Killing time

I love talking to Lawyer girl, she has such great tast in music and just fun... way out there on personality but awesome in looks and very outgoing.... her current boyfriend has been calling her out on her analness and she has been asking me if thats normal... maybe maybe not.... she loves him to death but is second guessing his actions...

as far as C.... i hope i didnt scare her off with my blog... she is just amazing to me but i cant have her. I do however like being there and her friend, that is a given. Her problems seem to be there but she is planning and thinking about solutions. lets hope they help. with me not going out there it seems to have gone a lot better. It just sucks that i couldnt take her out to places to go or have fun

Stop and Stare....

hmmm Well this weekend ended up being a bust... my trip to vegas was canceled and my mom uggggh she means well but why would i buy junk food?? haha anyways... I have grown fond of C lately, not sure why.. maybe because she is always there for me, the others just come and go but C is there... Valkyrie has gone back to her BF and seems to be very happy, and farmers market gal is just somewhere else.... So why why do i find this people that I seem to care for, she makes me smile and laugh and all around feel good. Times are tough for her now and one such as myself need to back away.. we have expressed feelings and fun but with her life on the brink of change, i must be there for her as a friend should be. I hope things work out for her. The recent jealousy and untrust is hard to deal with, my recent encounters with such a thing has been a long road but manageable, yes it does sometimes bring out the worst in us and especially when the trust is broken. we feel betrayed and hurt.... I am kinda glad i didnt go but also sad.. yes things might have gone ways we dare speak of or more than likely just had a good time. Unfortunately it is at a bad time... so much for her to think about and me around isnt making things any better...  She wants me there and I want to be there.....

Somehow this is sounding like a crush thing, she knows i like her but i cant do anything about it... i dont push it upon her or try and sway her decisions.. we just have fun... can those co exist?? its working so far, some days i just wonder and get lost in my dream world... who ever knew i could love again after my last relationship... but yes i lub her but only in a way she understands.

yer good....

hmmm where to start...

Stop and stare...

Valkyrie.... A goddess of beauty and strength that swoops down and rescues the fallen warriors in the battlefield ... Such a person existed in my life... There at my weakest time. First woman I met and just had great conversations with... Shared cared cried and got angry with... She pushed me back into being creative, she pulled me out of my lonely state of depression. She showed me that there is life beyond what I thought was the end... I owe her a lot. Along my journey of self discovery I grew a fond attraction towards her. Someone I can open up to and be myself again...