Novemember Spawned a Monster

Depression....
Such an evil and vile monster that looms around me... some days i think i am rid of it, and others i struggle to stay alive. Drowning and left alone... People say you are the key to your own destiny. you can pull thru this... you can snap out of it... very hard to do when life crashes around you... when things aren't going your way... when it seems its out of reach. Some days I do feel like a million dollars. but then i crash. I am not one to take medication. I never did any drugs ever, not even smoking. but maybe its time to fix this madness.

This holiday season has been rough, my kids aren't around as much due to the ex not letting me see them. I text and call but not much respond back... i guess i know now how my dad feels... they used to tell me about their art projects or something exciting in their lifes... nothing.. not even mention of the comic book convention they went to. something I always wanted to take them to.. nothing... i see my daughters new drawings and a book she is writing about... nothing said to me... are they that busy to even say hi or acknowledge me? I know they don;t think that... but that is what runs thru my mind constantly... are they being told not to talk to me, or out of sight out of mind type of thing.... Its hard for me cuz mostly everything in my place is from them or for them or gotten because of them.

Anyways.... I havent wrote in this blog in a long time.... I have been chatting with
Valkyrie again... she keeps mentioning our wonderful time together and wish she was a smart girl... I hate that.... the could have beens and what might have happens... uggh. women are interesting.... not sure where that is going. but Valkyrie just pops out of nowhere when times are tough and its nice to here from her.

Karen... I wish she was around, i miss her dearly and L why am i so hesitant about opening up to her, why do i feel at first i cant reach for her till later after my breakdown? I care for her and she has been amazing to me, i would figure that is redeemable for explinations and openess... but i still hesitate. I do eventually tell her but its later and not when the mood or emotions are breaking... something i have been getting better at. And Karen is just a mess. She says she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me and then she talks about some Doctor she had sex with... ya..... I just cant leave my kids and start a relationship with her, she knows this... I would love to travel the world, experience it and live it. Just not now.

I got to see L 2 days in a row! I even went to church with her which to my surprise wasnt bad, it was awkward standing in front of everyone singing songs i didnt know anything about, but as i stood there reading the lyrics and glaning back at the crown, it was amazing to see people come together under faith and devotion praise and hyme something they believe in, and even looking at L every now and then singing and putting her heart with each chorus, I can feel her and see her glow in happiness. She told me that was her place of escape, and i can see it. The people were very nice and some i knew from school or met at work. it was a good feeling. but as we prayed i was reminded of the things that transpired a few years ago. my bestfriend Anne... L has and is becoming a great part of my life. when I am down she seems to pop up and cheer me up, always brings a smile to my heart. Just wish i wouldve met her sooner. I can still call her my best friend.

Where is my mind....

2009... It's been five years since last I felt her. Been there for her. Seen her. There has been few people in this world that has had a huge impact on the way I feel or am. Other than my kids. I thought my ex was one. But as time rolled on she faded. Was it cause of me? Partially. I think we both had different agendas as time progresses. She went her way and I went mine. Karen was someone I thought I can grow old with to but just something about her I can have complete trust. She has proven to be an awesome close friend. Anne....  I still find myself in sadness when thinking about my three friends that passed. Why me? Why am I dealing with this... I am john. Everyone loves john. But I can't love myself. I've lost to much to quickly and as I get older, it becomes hard to find those you trust with things you hold dearly. I thought I found that in Valkyrie.  But I was blinded by lust with her. She got what she wanted and broke me. I am still reeling in from that. But I really haven't talked to her since dec last year.  I still catch myself wanting to reach out to her, after all she was one of the ones that helped me with divorce and moving on. As did Nikki and Anne. Tomorrow marks her death anniversary and weds is her birthday. Nikki. Why did you have to leave me like this. Why did you take it away. I guess it wasn't for me to begin with. Or maybe it wasn't my time to be with you. I will never forget the times we had. The beach excursions. The trips to Arizona. Sex in the booth at carrows. Even your mom catching us. The time we drew a mural of the last supper with Simpsons people in the bathroom. The photoshoots we played with. That dog taking a dump on a doorstep of a business we both hated and just sat there and watched. The concerts and Disneyland. I miss it all. But as I remember the times we have shared I smiled. The only argument I can remember is the time we ate in Huntington and you got mad at the waiter. We ended up realizing its a waste of energy to be mad. And made our time for better use. I wish you were around still.  I met this really awesome person. I even fell in love with her but the weird thing is.... I love her but I can't have her. And I'm ok with that. She is an amazing person, and you would've loved her too, a photographer and artist just like you. She smiles and reminds me like you. Sometimes I wonder if it is you. I don't know but every time is with her she makes me happy and makes me alive again. The ironic thing is I meet her while with Valkyrie. I was always catching myself looking at her at the reunion. Something about her... And here I am two years later and we have experienced so much. Emotional, physical, and just happiness. I don't know how to explain it. But she has been my guiding light thru this madness. The death of Nikki. Anne. Tiffany. Losing Valkyrie. And Courtney. Ugh. I'm happy while with her. 

This week is a mess. And work isn't helping. At least the end of the week I get my kids. But till then... A tear just escaped while writing this entry. I need to get away... Where should I go. Maybe my trip to Memphis will be what is needed. 

Carabooooo

I sit in in bed wondering what she is thinking. What she is doing. I catch myself in thought about her recently. Am I becoming obsessive? Trying to obtain something I can't have. Trying to get something I had at one time and now gone? I am probably wasting my time. But each time I talk to her there is a renewed vigor.  Why do I go back to her? What is it about her that continues my curiosity?