2009... It's been five years since last I felt her. Been there for her. Seen her. There has been few people in this world that has had a huge impact on the way I feel or am. Other than my kids. I thought my ex was one. But as time rolled on she faded. Was it cause of me? Partially. I think we both had different agendas as time progresses. She went her way and I went mine. Karen was someone I thought I can grow old with to but just something about her I can have complete trust. She has proven to be an awesome close friend. Anne.... I still find myself in sadness when thinking about my three friends that passed. Why me? Why am I dealing with this... I am john. Everyone loves john. But I can't love myself. I've lost to much to quickly and as I get older, it becomes hard to find those you trust with things you hold dearly. I thought I found that in Valkyrie. But I was blinded by lust with her. She got what she wanted and broke me. I am still reeling in from that. But I really haven't talked to her since dec last year. I still catch myself wanting to reach out to her, after all she was one of the ones that helped me with divorce and moving on. As did Nikki and Anne. Tomorrow marks her death anniversary and weds is her birthday. Nikki. Why did you have to leave me like this. Why did you take it away. I guess it wasn't for me to begin with. Or maybe it wasn't my time to be with you. I will never forget the times we had. The beach excursions. The trips to Arizona. Sex in the booth at carrows. Even your mom catching us. The time we drew a mural of the last supper with Simpsons people in the bathroom. The photoshoots we played with. That dog taking a dump on a doorstep of a business we both hated and just sat there and watched. The concerts and Disneyland. I miss it all. But as I remember the times we have shared I smiled. The only argument I can remember is the time we ate in Huntington and you got mad at the waiter. We ended up realizing its a waste of energy to be mad. And made our time for better use. I wish you were around still. I met this really awesome person. I even fell in love with her but the weird thing is.... I love her but I can't have her. And I'm ok with that. She is an amazing person, and you would've loved her too, a photographer and artist just like you. She smiles and reminds me like you. Sometimes I wonder if it is you. I don't know but every time is with her she makes me happy and makes me alive again. The ironic thing is I meet her while with Valkyrie. I was always catching myself looking at her at the reunion. Something about her... And here I am two years later and we have experienced so much. Emotional, physical, and just happiness. I don't know how to explain it. But she has been my guiding light thru this madness. The death of Nikki. Anne. Tiffany. Losing Valkyrie. And Courtney. Ugh. I'm happy while with her.
This week is a mess. And work isn't helping. At least the end of the week I get my kids. But till then... A tear just escaped while writing this entry. I need to get away... Where should I go. Maybe my trip to Memphis will be what is needed.
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