Such an evil and vile monster that looms around me... some days i think i am rid of it, and others i struggle to stay alive. Drowning and left alone... People say you are the key to your own destiny. you can pull thru this... you can snap out of it... very hard to do when life crashes around you... when things aren't going your way... when it seems its out of reach. Some days I do feel like a million dollars. but then i crash. I am not one to take medication. I never did any drugs ever, not even smoking. but maybe its time to fix this madness.
This holiday season has been rough, my kids aren't around as much due to the ex not letting me see them. I text and call but not much respond back... i guess i know now how my dad feels... they used to tell me about their art projects or something exciting in their lifes... nothing.. not even mention of the comic book convention they went to. something I always wanted to take them to.. nothing... i see my daughters new drawings and a book she is writing about... nothing said to me... are they that busy to even say hi or acknowledge me? I know they don;t think that... but that is what runs thru my mind constantly... are they being told not to talk to me, or out of sight out of mind type of thing.... Its hard for me cuz mostly everything in my place is from them or for them or gotten because of them.
Anyways.... I havent wrote in this blog in a long time.... I have been chatting with
Valkyrie again... she keeps mentioning our wonderful time together and wish she was a smart girl... I hate that.... the could have beens and what might have happens... uggh. women are interesting.... not sure where that is going. but Valkyrie just pops out of nowhere when times are tough and its nice to here from her.
Karen... I wish she was around, i miss her dearly and L why am i so hesitant about opening up to her, why do i feel at first i cant reach for her till later after my breakdown? I care for her and she has been amazing to me, i would figure that is redeemable for explinations and openess... but i still hesitate. I do eventually tell her but its later and not when the mood or emotions are breaking... something i have been getting better at. And Karen is just a mess. She says she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me and then she talks about some Doctor she had sex with... ya..... I just cant leave my kids and start a relationship with her, she knows this... I would love to travel the world, experience it and live it. Just not now.
I got to see L 2 days in a row! I even went to church with her which to my surprise wasnt bad, it was awkward standing in front of everyone singing songs i didnt know anything about, but as i stood there reading the lyrics and glaning back at the crown, it was amazing to see people come together under faith and devotion praise and hyme something they believe in, and even looking at L every now and then singing and putting her heart with each chorus, I can feel her and see her glow in happiness. She told me that was her place of escape, and i can see it. The people were very nice and some i knew from school or met at work. it was a good feeling. but as we prayed i was reminded of the things that transpired a few years ago. my bestfriend Anne... L has and is becoming a great part of my life. when I am down she seems to pop up and cheer me up, always brings a smile to my heart. Just wish i wouldve met her sooner. I can still call her my best friend.
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