Deserving Degenerate

It's easier for u to let go

2011-12-01T01:22:00.001-08:00

What have I become... I'm so into this girl and I haven't even met her yet... I love her for the way she makes me smile and feel... I love her for the many things that she is... But.I'm sitting here waiting for her to call me and its 1am... How late do I stay up. I know she's had a rough day. After finding out the news she found out I'm concerned on how she feels ... We aren't even a couple or nothing but I feel so connected to her... Am I crazy?? Ugggh. Maybe I am for staying up so late... Maybe I am setting myself up for disappointment... I want this to work but I think she's afraid and or doesn't want to... I know she thinks about it, but I don't know.... I lost... I fell for her hard and now I'm just a blabbering idiot over this.... She asked me not to get close but I.did. but the things we do and talk about... Makes me wonder what really is happening in that head... It seems all good. I guess time will tell... I am suppose to see her soon, new years weekend.. we talk about being excited and being epic... I have no doubt about that....

What have I done to....

2011-11-14T00:57:00.001-08:00

The things I get myself into.... People hating me... Friendships changing... Best moving out of the country and relatives losing their other half due to family issues... My friend from LA said it best... You just need to step back and look what's important in yur life and take care of it...
I have been caught up in my crush so much that the rest of me is not doing so well. Grasping onto my optimistic ideas and hoping.. maybe not such a good idea... I have resorted into the one thing that led me to depression... I am controlling it but I see it as a way to stay out of trouble and save money... A week now and I have the same $5 in my wallet for a week. It's progress... But sometimes I think its a curse... We shall see

Keep my mouth shut from the start.....

2011-11-13T17:11:00.001-08:00

This weekend has been really tough... finding out about someone you care for doesn't want to be that way with you is heartbreaking. The things we have been thru and experienced have been amazing, and have strengthen our friends 10 times than what it was... I fell in love with her but alas she fell in love with someone else. The ever so deep dagger plunging into my heart. I will always remain that best friend to her, we laugh and have fun but deep inside i hurt cuz i know that this quest i put upon myself will be tougher and may end. I will not give up like i have been told in the past. I cant and wont. i have to be persistent if i am to woo her over again. She has gone thru so much these past months and its not fair to bother her. but with my lack of persistent attention she fell for someone else. Normal i guess, or lost interest in me for something she truly wants and i cannot provide yet... I have never felt so strongly for some one. and maybe i am blinded by this love or lust. I am grateful for the friendship we have...
this past week my best friend for the last 6 years has passed away in a car accident.... why must my loved ones be taken away from me... its been awhile but i actually sat in a corner and teared up... I cannot think straight and my chest hurts.... I miss you anne and need you now more than ever... I have a person that hates me because he thinks i caused his divorce... so then he wished me harm cuz of it... after that threat my bff passes away... All i can think is that his negative energy somehow took Anne away from me.... I don't like him now cuz of this. She was my inspiration to pursue my crush/bff now no one is here, and things are falling apart. yet i still have a urge of optimism... with Valkyrie and others... ya...

Dango....

2011-10-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

I had to

while you are being a douche

2011-10-19T21:46:00.000-07:00

you better appreciate what you have.....

While you are ignoring her,
Another guy is giving her attention...

While you're giving her problems.....
Another guy is listening

While you're to busy for her....
Another guy is making time for her....

While you're making her cry.....
Another guy is trying to make her smile again....

While you're not sure if you still want her.....
Another guy has already figured it out....

wait what

2011-10-13T20:54:00.001-07:00

.....

Get up....

2011-10-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

day 2 of my new place and all i have is my rug and a couple dishes... oh and some top ramen hahah anyways.... its been over a week and nothing... I think i have to move on cuz if i wait i will go crazy.

Love you like a love song

2011-10-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

Well its almost been a week.. yes i survived and it seems things arent going the way they seem... just getting the bad vibes. I really miss her... I dont know why i do so much.. She has been there everyday and just opened eared to everything i had to say, she would tell me her frustrations and we would talk them out.... I miss that. I have things i need to get off my chest to. My mother, my work, my kids and my new apt. It isnt fair that a little infatuation i kept to myself has punished me. she knew of it but i never pushed for anything... Now im stuck trying to gain the trust all over again.. and its hard... I dont like it and need her back in my life. but alas that isnt in my control. :(

I do miss you and hope you are happy
:)

What a girl wants...

2011-10-10T11:50:00.001-07:00

Seeing this unfold from the sidelines makes me wonder who now is in the right... I don't know all the details but from wandering around I can see where he is coming from. What is she doing to keep this together? At least they are talking it out.

As for me... I just wanna reach out...but I can't.. I tried to talk to my other friends but I can't... The trust I have developed with C is all I have right now... Ya I probably should go somewhere else. But its hard to just throw away something that you have gained and given... Even if we do start talking again.. will it be different? Most likely. We shall see if that day even comes.

Jealousy

2011-10-08T06:12:00.001-07:00

It tears you apart.....
I've seen how and experienced how jealousy can ruin a relationship... Always wondering. Always second guessing... Trust failing... It's not a good feeling...

alone...

2011-10-06T20:04:00.000-07:00

my brief pity party was today... its almost the end of the day and i haven't heard anything... I hope all is ok. I didn't realize how much you can miss someone when they aren't around... I wanna tell her about my friend, i wanna tell her about my mom... and my new place... just now... no one to talk to... My good friend Anne came back to town today. She flew all the way from Seattle to see me. She is a wonderful person and i appreciate all she has done.

depression... i see you around that corner... not today. I will walk the other way.....

Chasing Cars..

2011-10-05T20:18:00.000-07:00

wow... ok so ....I hope now that he has this he doesnt blow it.... give her what she needs and yearns for, make her love you again... Good luck my friend. It was a great friendship.

I find it funny how often my web stats show the location of visitors and the times they come and go.... almost making sure... :P

ups and downs

2011-10-05T19:26:00.000-07:00

Apple has been a big part of my computer experiences, I am sad to hear about Steve Jobs today... I was sitting in Starbucks playing on twitter when the rumors started popping up then the official twitter sites started investigating.... then Apple made the announcement .... iSad... what made me smile thou was that everyone else in the place all had apple products. the girl sitting with me had her macbook pro and her iphone, the guy next to me at the next table had his ipad... i had my ipod and it was amazing that this guy has helped shape a generation... RIP

Because of apple, i am able to video chat with my kids from hundreds of miles away... Facetime rules

shyness is nice.....

2011-10-04T22:10:00.000-07:00

The thing about expressing what you think online is that there will always be a critic or someone that doesnt like to read what you have to say... yet i continue writing. Constructive criticism?? maybe... am i glutton for punishment... probably... These past couple days have been a whirlwind... and now i am a victim of my own fault. Why was i so stupid in relaying my feelings? I shouldve kept them hidden like any normal person would do... You see a crush and just fantasize about them on yur own with no interaction... but no. Now i have lost a really good friend and possibly created an enemy unintentionally. But problems existed before me... where is the line?? whatever the case maybe, moving on is probably the best choice.... but i cant. And i wont. She asked me to stay and help her... not be in a relationship, not have sex, not carry her family. Just to help her get thru her ups and downs of life. As a friend i will be there. as far as anything else... no. as it has always been...

in other news Farmers market gal showed up out of the blue and helped me take my mind off things, it was an interesting night to say the least. I may have to repay the favor soon.

Fuckery

2011-10-01T06:20:00.000-07:00

hmmm these last two days have been a little off the wall, the stress from work, the delay of my place being built and still living with mom, the kids and my ex, my dead gf family, snd the resurfacing of old problems... NOT to mention the drama over my friend. Apparently people read this page that likes to construe this blog as fact when its my online place to escape and let out my thoughts... Take it how you will but its nice to let out what I think and afraid to experience in real life. We all have that place in our head but i like to share it here.

Nikkis parents are in town, and the more i see them the more i really miss her, why she was taken away from me is still something i try hard to cope with, almost 3 years since her death and the memories are still lingering in my head. Anne also is having a tough time dealing with this. Together we try to make the best of it....... I miss you Nikki, i really need you right now..

as far as my family, I dont talk about them that much on here so i will leave it at that.. I like having my kids around and miss them dearly, they make me smile and laugh.
As far as the current situation, ugggh......................................................................................... where to begin.................................... Anne an I have started talking about having a beyond friends relationship for awhile now, i cant seem to wanna commit due to some factors that exist and she knows it, the safety of my kids come first and well she knows what has to be done if it were to ever come down to it, we have been great with our current situations but wonder to much what it would be like to have more. She has been great and understanding. I love her for that and the openess she has with me. As far as Valkyrie go... where the heck did she go? she like disappeared off the face of the planet.... Lawyer girl is happy with her fiance and farmers market girl and I are to hit up disneyland next month. and then theres C.... ugggh talk about a big situation... Her marriage is on the brink of failure, her husband doesnt trust her... and because of it i may lose my best friend. I have grown fond of C these past couple of months, because she understands me. I like the attention and just the warm friendliness we have. its almost 2 years since we met online and shared our lives... Even thou i have never met this person, I like the fact that i have a goto person when feeling down and just need to talk. Lately her life has been in disarray so its been hard to get with her. I have been giving her advice to work it out with her hubby, and its been hard. once we men get on that jealous track its tough to get off of it. Constant wondering and questioning everything.... i have been there. I love C, but I love C for who she is and what she does, I like the creative mind she has, her writings are amazing. I love her attention and her views on life. I love that she gets up and cares for the well being of her family, making breakfast, dinner everyday. I love that she can turn my bad day into a great day. I am sad to see her upset and just lost in these times right now, i wish her and her husband could find a common ground. I fear this may not end well but they need to find why they loved each other in the 1st place. grasp on that and run. compromise the changes and prepare for each other for the future.

haha again i am atrocious with the spelling and grammer and it makes me laugh, I am to lazy to go back and change it and well... its just not me to do such a thing hehehe....

C

2011-09-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

I do this to save her, i am to much of a distraction on him and for them... I don't like it but it must be done... to regain my sanity and to let her regain hers... I .... ya i will leave it at just that.......................

one day i will be back when the dust settles and hopefully she will be happy at that time... I lub you... and farewell my friend....

till we meet again

taking time..

2011-09-14T20:49:00.000-07:00

I started to doodle more.... just a little here and there before i get into bigger stuff.... Why I choose to draw Cyclops... not sure... not one of my favorite X-men but sure why not....

Chasing...

2011-09-13T22:14:00.000-07:00

One glance in to your eyes has the power to steal my breath and throw the rhythm of my heart. The curve of your lips and your smile can take the ground from beneath my feet. Just to look at you makes me feel as though I'm wrapped in the softest, warmest blanket in the world. Please don't ever stop looking and smiling.

Today's unfortunate events had me thinking of the 1st time it had happened... It took me forever to recover and maybe i haven't fully recovered because still to this day i wish when i am around her.. I am not sure how this happened or my intentions weren't clear enough.. somewhere blinded by the playful banter or the flirtatious chatter have i lost the meaning of this friendship. Grant it from the beginning i lusted over her and the feelings were mutual. as things just seemed to get better, things became even special. We shared everything... the lust aside and the best friend has set in.... One thing that has always killed it for me and for the last couple people I have liked has gone this way...
BFF ya i can do that... but

lub you

Unfinished work...

2011-09-11T21:52:00.001-07:00

I starting drawing again... One thing i was always aweful at was drawing the female figure, i might as well start practicing again. Not a bad attempt but also my luck ran out when my ink dried up ugggh

let it flow.....

2011-09-11T20:59:00.000-07:00

what the heck.... staying at my moms house has been lonely... all she does is watch tv and talk smack about people, i love her but wow.. Anyways 3 blog posts in 24 hours??? Why the sudden splurge of thoughts?? I knew something like this would happen. Leaving my home the 1st time was hard, but the intention was to fix myself and comeback... trying to salvage a failed marriage i left and started to rebuild myself. Meeting great people on the way and with hopes of being happy again. I realized then, this wasnt meant to be. Now the 2nd time leaving, i am aware that there is no return and this would close the book on this chapter and the start of a new book. Its hard right now.... Moving to my own place, starting anew for the 1st time. I left all the things i gathered throughout our lives together with her, in hopes that new things equal to new beginnings. I am confident that things will go right... its just scary now that its here... Making things happen...
I miss my kids, my daughter really misses me..

another thing that has been occupying mind has been C... why?? yes i have been writing about her for awhile, and been telling her about my adventures and my dates and my troubles.. its been great having this C as my friend. I listen to her and her great stories, support her writings and just there for her... Honestly thinking about it all the weekend about how she has impacted my life recently is well... amazing. I look forward to speak to her, i smile at her texts and just giddy. I know now she is special... some people just come and go but we have stuck it thru... Do i sound like a whiny person? maybe... but i do like to express my feelings more since my divorce. One thing in my previous relationship with Nikki was that she always loved my expression of emotions and openness. Something i never really was with my ex... i was asked lastnight by lawyer girl if i ever experienced true love... i had to think about that... I think with my ex i thought it was true love, there might have been an instance but it wasnt all out obvious soulmate. We talked about that feeling and she was explaining to me that u just feel it... but what scratched my head was she was willing to dump him cuz he was questioning her actions. So if true love is felt, is it also so willing to be destroyed? Valkyrie is dating her best friend... they have broken up and gotten back together a couple times, and each time it seems to be stronger and stronger. They know so much about each other you figure thats the best.... but they have problems too... now i am really confused... Dating a best friend falling for a best friend... true love?? yes going back into this game is gonna take some used to. gonna have to rediscover what all this is....

Back to C... i think she is my stepping stone, i was hesitant with Nikki and Valkyrie i realized i was to late... C is still here she laughs with me and cries with me.. i share o much and it feels good. I feel somethimes i smother her with my actions but she still listens. I true friend indeed. its only natural to like her and love her...... she is my best friend for life

Killing time

2011-09-11T03:48:00.000-07:00

I love talking to Lawyer girl, she has such great tast in music and just fun... way out there on personality but awesome in looks and very outgoing.... her current boyfriend has been calling her out on her analness and she has been asking me if thats normal... maybe maybe not.... she loves him to death but is second guessing his actions...

as far as C.... i hope i didnt scare her off with my blog... she is just amazing to me but i cant have her. I do however like being there and her friend, that is a given. Her problems seem to be there but she is planning and thinking about solutions. lets hope they help. with me not going out there it seems to have gone a lot better. It just sucks that i couldnt take her out to places to go or have fun

Stop and Stare....

2011-09-10T14:25:00.000-07:00

hmmm Well this weekend ended up being a bust... my trip to vegas was canceled and my mom uggggh she means well but why would i buy junk food?? haha anyways... I have grown fond of C lately, not sure why.. maybe because she is always there for me, the others just come and go but C is there... Valkyrie has gone back to her BF and seems to be very happy, and farmers market gal is just somewhere else.... So why why do i find this people that I seem to care for, she makes me smile and laugh and all around feel good. Times are tough for her now and one such as myself need to back away.. we have expressed feelings and fun but with her life on the brink of change, i must be there for her as a friend should be. I hope things work out for her. The recent jealousy and untrust is hard to deal with, my recent encounters with such a thing has been a long road but manageable, yes it does sometimes bring out the worst in us and especially when the trust is broken. we feel betrayed and hurt.... I am kinda glad i didnt go but also sad.. yes things might have gone ways we dare speak of or more than likely just had a good time. Unfortunately it is at a bad time... so much for her to think about and me around isnt making things any better... She wants me there and I want to be there.....

Somehow this is sounding like a crush thing, she knows i like her but i cant do anything about it... i dont push it upon her or try and sway her decisions.. we just have fun... can those co exist?? its working so far, some days i just wonder and get lost in my dream world... who ever knew i could love again after my last relationship... but yes i lub her but only in a way she understands.

yer good....

2011-09-10T11:59:00.001-07:00

hmmm where to start...

Stop and stare...

2011-09-05T21:01:00.001-07:00

Valkyrie.... A goddess of beauty and strength that swoops down and rescues the fallen warriors in the battlefield ... Such a person existed in my life... There at my weakest time. First woman I met and just had great conversations with... Shared cared cried and got angry with... She pushed me back into being creative, she pulled me out of my lonely state of depression. She showed me that there is life beyond what I thought was the end... I owe her a lot. Along my journey of self discovery I grew a fond attraction towards her. Someone I can open up to and be myself again...

If I just lay here...

2011-08-25T18:23:00.001-07:00

The tension is high at home.... I can't wait to move but I'm not looking forward to leaving the kids... my daughter and I have grown closer... she is a daddys girl and she will miss me. I get sad just thinking about it.
It's interesting what people outside yur circle see... C is totally against valkyrie. And wants to smack me for even liking her... hmmm. Today valkyrie seemed to be ok, she is still sad but receptive.

I took a ride down to oceanside to say hi to Nikki parents. They were happy to see me and hugs were givin. I like them... good people. Made me think of the random road trips we make... I remember sitting there with her at the painted desert in new Mexico telling me I could do anything and making me want to live again... I miss my Nikki

I'd do anything for you...

2011-08-23T17:19:00.001-07:00

Sitting here on the bus recollecting my day... not only does work suck do to idiot people but my impatience might get the best of me... its to early to do any thing but it might be to late to make anything work... maybe I over analyse stuff or want things to work. But once I attain my goal... then what.. that's where the work begins... keeping the relationship strong and not boring is work on both parts... with c it has been fun everyday. We amuse each other with daily quirks and problems of random things. That's a healthy relationship in my eyes. With valkyrie we chat and text and laugh.. but I know her heart is set somewhere else. Maybe one day but till then its work in progress. I do enjoy being her friend and am honored that she has opened up so much already. I'm not sure where I'm going with this... I do know where I like to be bit getting there is the challenge. We have been talking more than we have been and feelings have been shared but its to early for anything to go on... or it just could be me.

Next week I move out of my home for the second time... I over stayed my welcome and its time to move on... this will be my first place alone and I'm kinda scared... I won't have the kids as much and being alone might bring out my depression.. I'm already getting anxiety just thinking about it... I have thought of stuff to do in the meantime but who knows...

The time I'm taking , I hope its not wasted

2011-08-22T05:54:00.001-07:00

When u have a piece of heaven, what do you do with it?? Just walk away?? Just something I find frustrating... my years of chasing valkyrie came to an unfortunate turn this weekend. See her hurt and broken frustrate me.. I can't do anything from where I'm at except support her and be there... I wish I could do more and I will... I've decided to go all out now. When I first met her it was awesome and fun. At the park this weekend, I know she was stressed and happy to see her old friends...
I ask myself why I continue to follow her?? Why do I like her so much?? Other than the fact she is hot as Hell... her witty self, intelligence and being a great mom to her kids she me she has compassion and humility and a bit of a wassup nature. I like that.
Her kids are fun and made me miss how little my kids were.

To be continued

Hmmm I know my name...

2011-08-12T17:38:00.001-07:00

Hmmm I really should keep this updated for all the stuff running thru my head... good bad whatever... my friend C has been amazing helping me get thru things and always wish her well... valkyrie still swoons me but nothing I can do about it... why do I still act on it?? The possibility ?? I know I will see her soon and that will be interesting...

I started a Facebook page on my bus adventures and it has been fun so far... I guess I need to becareful as to what I put on there because now there is local people looking at it and they might know who is on there... haha oh well...

My daughter turns 13... Omg has it been that long since I've been with my ex?? I am very proud the way my daughter is growing up, she is funny and lovable by all... just like her dad :)

I don't wanna lose your love tonight...

2011-08-11T17:10:00.000-07:00

Hmmm yesterday C invited me to stay with her in Vegas... Wait what?? The same girl I have been liking and sharing unbelievable moments with wants to meet me irl and stay with her over the weekend in the city of sin?? As much as that sounds like a fantasy and dream I'm sure it will be just that... Ya we have shared some great moments that make even us blush to this day. We have developed a great friendship. Yes she is a beautiful person and pretty and amazing... But alas she is taken.... Wtf is up with finding awesome women like that and they are taken... I dream of taking her away and I dream of more but I like the fact I can trust her... A nite of fun you may think!?!? Ya I wish and I know the thoughts would be present... But I have respect and love for her I would not do such things.. those will be locked away for my own personal enjoyment... What does she think? I'm betting on the same thing.. she is skeptical about me sleeping there bit I feel the trust she has in me to let it go... Ya if something happens it would be mutual but at this point its at a hold on to yur own...
I am excited to meet her, this will be the 3rd person I have met from the internet... But interesting that our first meeting will be spending the night... Wow that's some awesome trust that has been built and I appreciate it a lot ..

Super Dino Power thingie....

2011-07-26T20:39:00.000-07:00

Its been awhile since i wrote in here and the last time i did, i was accused of something that was laughable at... anyways these past couple weeks have been very up ad down for me. I saw a person i met in the internet that flirted with but never thought i would have meet in real life. It was fun and really enjoyed each other... but now the other thing is i was letting myself get to emotionally involved with a nearly impossible person... why would i do such a thing?? was it the lust? was it the trust?? the attraction? the feel good personality that exudes from this person? She has been nothing but amazing to me and lately her ordeal with real life has me thinking my priorities and attainable goals... I like her and want to love her but the one obsitcle is in the way and this made me realize that i cant do this... Lately the chats and the attention is becoming less, and i cant get myself but hurt over that. She has her things she needs to deal with and im chasing soemthing that i shouldnt be... Byt am i chasing??? yes and no... i like her and what she does to me, i like what and how she cares for me, i like the trust we share and the things we share... but maybe it was to much? no its something i need to control... I did start talking to others to ween myself away from those thoughts of her. I dont want to ignore her but i dont want to fall for her, i love what we have but i think its changing to the friends and less of the sharing... i may be crazy maybe its a good thing this is evolving to this... time will tell

Valkyrie has been popping around lately and from what i understand her bf and her are having issues... its hard for a guy that has no kids try to enter a world of a family... i could imagine the issues that present themselves...

I am feeling useless right now... not wanting to do anything and feeling ashamed... not exactly sure why...

Before coming to conclusion... do yur research.

2011-05-24T13:01:00.001-07:00

It's interesting to me how others perceive yur thoughts... I write on here about friends and people I like and the things we share... I keep their names masked from the public eye to protect them and myself. But there is a time I willbhave to explain what goes on here to people that don't understand free thinking and the ability to open ones feelings... lately I have been writing about a friend named C... she does not live in Texas nor will she ever live there. It is someone I met on Twitter from the north and a very awesome person indeed. My Texas friend is dating someone that is concerned about her loyalty... as far as I know from knowing her as long as I do... she gives her relationships her all... and will not give up till she knows its over. I like that dedication in a person. I hope things work out for her as she is trying to work it out...

Sexual Bucket List

2011-05-08T19:43:00.000-07:00

Online there is a list of the 50 sexual things you must do. I have crossed out everything that I have done. Thou the list was made from the looks of it to be geared for a woman.... still funny answering it

Kiss a girl
Have anal And like it.
Have a threesome
Engage in group sex
Have phone sex
Masturbate
Use a vibrator
Use a sex toy on someone else
Be tied up
Tie someone up
Have sex in a public space
Be a voyeur and watch others having sex
Sex in a car
Sex at a drive-in
Mile-high club
Sex with a stranger
One-night stand
Married sex
Sex on a boat
Sex in a body of water
Light spanking
Read erotica
Play strip poker/Monopoly/card game
Sex in the shower
Sex standing up against a wall
Sex with no kissing
Sex in the pitch black
Sex in the broad daylight
Making out with no sex long after you’re no longer a virgin
Sex in a tent in the wilderness
Watch porn together
Watch porn alone
Learn to give yourself multiple orgasms
Sex on the beach
Blindfolds
Using ice sexually
Sexual role play
Whipped cream
La Perla lingerie sex
Frederick’s of Hollywood lingerie sex (yes she was wearing it)
Sex with someone much older
Sex with someone younger
Sex in a foreign country, possibly with a foreigner
A quickie while she was in a skirt
A longie in the rain
Sex in the ocean while people swim all around you
Feather ticklers
Sex while “altered” whether by alcohol or something else
Learn to orgasm in less than five minutes from intercourse alone
Silent sex in a full house

Interesting list.....

Here we go....

2011-04-24T22:25:00.001-07:00

This weekend was amazing, kind of... C has been nothing but awesomely me, for my birthday she was the only one that gave me a gift and called to wish me a happy bday, I love this woman.... interesting how I use such a word freely with her. Our friendship has blossomed into something more. My only setback at making it further than what it is, is that she is already taken. Now the old john would be to say screw it and continue trying to seduce her into my evil world. But I cant with C... yes our friendship has improved to more than what normal friends do... but who said we were normal. I really enjoy what we have.... as odd as it is it works for us and I really don't want it to stop.

Today however she tested me "you scare me..." hmmm uh oh... something that has been lingering in my head for awhile, how long can you have the perfect dream before you wake up to reality. Eventually it has to end, your eyes open to what needs to he done. C has been there for me thru tough times and good times. I think each passing day we share something that brings us closer.... but will that hurt us in the long run? That day we have to part or even get closer? I think we love living the moment... and enjoy what we have there too. But what's gonna happen when that moment comes to move on. When I find that person or she needs to end it. I know for one thing that we will always be friends and we have already chiseled a piece of us in our hearts. I often wonder why she has and continued to do what we do, is her home life missing that what I fill in? Is she just adventurous and looking for something new? I'm not sure what it is but I know she is torn about something... I even mentioned something and she immediately to defence and I was like hmmm not what I intended really...

I know I can't have her yet I'm here still wanting her, I know I can't touch her the way I want to yet I'm still here hoping... we share so much and get lost in our little world yet reality slaps us as soon as the life focuses back. Maybe its the escape we need from life. We need each other for that....maybe..... whatever it may be its there looming above us and taunting us... I like what there is here and don't want to change it. The feeling of being wanted for who I am and the compliments and emotional situations that come and go... I love this woman for who she is and does to me... maybe one day ill meet someone as cool as her. Till then I like what I have. And apparently so does she....

C.... you are my life right now and you will be in it till I die, I cannot think of a time without you, I almost want to fall in love with you but I can't... so you definitely have my love that a best friend can offer and the love of a person that cares who you are and what you represent. I will never forget what we have shared and know you won't either. And may there be many more memories to be made and experienced.....

When you say...

2011-04-13T06:47:00.001-07:00

I knew one of these days I would write this... and yet I continue to torture myself with it.. well its not exactly torture, its more of a self release and branching out of my world that I created when I was depressed. C has been great to me since day one. Our sense of humor is naughty and nice. We think alike and enjoy the ever lasting company that has been there. The one thing I fear the most is falling for her. Now why would I do that? John you haven't even met her in person.. but over the past year it has been fun getting to know her and trust her... but john you have a habit to fall in love with impossible people... she is my best friend that could trust and just have fun with. John, what are you gonna do? We have done things that have strengthened our friendship. The beyond part I think intimidates our real life meeting.. what if we don't like each other, what if we jump each others bones, what if we fall in love... yes its all there floating in my head.. I am a nice person and honestly I don't think I could let it go anywhere that might hurt her in the long run. Losing her marriage, her life or what have you. Maybe she wants a side project, or a good friend to cry on.
What ever it may be I like whats there. evolving into some more that friends maybe, or just that special bonding that is needed in our lives.. the heart and care is there.

So again I like her but not in the strange stalkerish ways of past relationships. But in almost a loving sense of who she is and what we share. Grant it I could fall in love with her but i can't. It's just simpler that way...

Charmer

2011-03-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

So i sit here thinking to myself what am i doing.... I met this really cool person last year, she is very hot, sensual and nice. We talk for hours and about anything. Most of the time i flirt with her and she seems to like it. Over the past couple months its been getting very naughty and personable. Opening to each other about things you dont really tell your best friend. But thats it we are best friends to each other.... It would be wrong to advance anything with her, only because the friendship we have now will change if things become physical. As a male i get those urges with her, hell like i said she is hot!!! On top of that, she is one of the rare people that has seen me for who i am and she has even made me do things I am not even sure i wanna repeat to others..... now thats crazy. Over all our daily routines and whimsical quips on life has only let people that witness this to believe "is that yur girlfriend???" Wait WTF???

Ya.... The things we do would consider it as a couple or maybe not... maybe im just in weird la la land with her... who knows. I do enjoy talking to her and look forward to it every day. Today however was the day we talked about in meeting face to face. Would it be wise? would the temptation be to overbearing? Knowing me i would be kicking rocks and shy when it comes to social interaction. But i know already so much about her so the comfort zone is already present. I will honor her space and our friendship but my thoughts will be all over the place, the what ifs and the wondering.. but thats normal on any meet up.

this has just been a gathering of thoughts and wonderment, I do enjoy talking to her and i do like making her smile. I am balancing on that line of falling for her but mostly i am there for her. Icannot pass that line, i cannot let myself do such a thing because i told her i wouldnt. Deep down inside i wish i can. Plus im in no position to. I need to get my life going back to the way i want it. And recent reminders of past relationships have made me stand back for a second to look what i have. My fwb just told me she wanted to stop. it was to much for her because she started to have feelings. There are others too that want to go out but Its hard for me to at this time because of transportation and where I live... I am hoping this will be solved within the next 5 months or so. Patience.

its good to get some things out and just write them. I think my head is clear enough to becareful of what i choose. A mutual understanding is there and thats what i like. We have fun and thats what matters. anything beyond that is dealt accordingly. I can sleep knowing she will be there tomorrow. our relationship is odd but it is the best that ive had in a long time....

eight...

2011-03-06T15:46:00.000-08:00

I knew one of these days I would write this blog and sure why not today... I have befriended someone last year and she has been nothing but amazing. We have been talking everyday since then, just about random things and life... Our similarities and needs makes us almost perfect for each other, its rather scary. Anyways we happen to fall upon each other when our lives needed something to either spice or just needed that ear to listen. Friendship was established, lines were drawn and so we went into the unknown of knowing each other. Our journey was just weird to tell people, so pretty much its been just her and I. My friends bailing on me and my work friends arent up to that trusting phase yet. C and I just started opening up to each other.

Texts are exchanged, pictures are sent... that line is being stepped on and both of us like it...

hmmmmm.....double decker bus???

2011-02-07T21:20:00.000-08:00

Fighting me ex always turns out to me on the wrong end of the stick.... I hate confrontation and just often do what is necessary to remedy the situation. I actually had some good points to bring up but she had a secret weapon that just made me shut up walk away and start packing... I hate feeling like this, alone worthless and ashamed as to who i became. I am a good person, or i like to think i am... others seem to like me but why is it the person you live with see it differently. The common day annoyances? Saying one thing and meaning another? Well i had my reasons to wonder why this outburst was called upon. and leaving... i felt bad for what i did and who i became... I think I will hide and become a hermit... my life just isnt what it needs to be right now and she pointed out very clearly to me that i need something...

I rarely talk about my ex on here and considering most of the problems I have stemmed from her. Some days i just wanna say screw it and just let her have the kids and walk away... some days the opposite. I just need to focus on me getting out of here and on my own.... let her fall. which i highly doubt i cuz of other reasons....

bahhhh going to bed

this is it...

2011-02-04T15:48:00.000-08:00

The one thing i have noticed that i have some really cool online friends.... but sometimes i get attached to them that I myself have to step back just to gain my self control... why is this? I think with my latest friend that I have been talking to has opened up my thoughts on this.. She is very attractive and intelligent. She has a sort of attraction to me to. But our relationship has evolved to something that normal people may consider weird or just not right. Yet we continue to amuse ourselves with daily banter and whimsical chatting that makes each of us smile and feel wanted. I think thats our common thing we have... she has something i want in a person but cant have. I am the one that can make her smile and escape her daily routine and give her that attention she needs, yet she is bound to her real life... I dont know yet of her intentions and why she seeks me at first but i like what it has become.... Friends just dont happen, you have to develop and gain their trust. I look forward to talk to her and can tell her anything. we do alot of flirting and maybe to much but its fun. Many people in my life will come and go, some takes time to earn that title as best friend.

These past years it has been a struggle to find someone like this, my old friends i betrayed, and it still haunts me for what i did. But it made me a stronger person and changed me.

BUT... Sometimes i push myself the wrong way.....why? yet she is still there... I remember she drew a line not to cross, and little by little i challenged it... why?? selfish? the challenge??? who knows but its fun.... I think she will be around for a long time....

Unless she didnt like what i did today....

ummmm dog???

2011-01-12T20:13:00.000-08:00

Who in their right mind doesnt care for Disneyland?? well in my journies thru life i have met such people... My coworker said she hasnt seen many movies and well only been to Disneyland once and hated it, now her kids who are older love disneyland and to my thinking love it because they were sheltered as a child because the parental unit didnt expose it to them. Over the weekend i came across another person, but this time experienced it first hand. A friend of mine from the past, I will call her G-girl....

So she called me up and we did the formal hellos and rememberences of the past and well it came down to she asking me to goto Disneyland with her. she got some tickets to the happiest place on earth and since she never have been, thought it would be fun to take me. We dated a little bit in college but went our separate ways when life started to happen. With pop culture the way it is and the strangle hold that disney has on our children wasnt enough, here stood in front of me a person that had no idea of who Ariel was or what neverland represents...

Me... well i am a kid at heart, I like going to disneyland... and everyone I have ever taken loved it too.... But G-girl..... this was interesting.

Bad Medicine..... is what i need....

2011-01-06T19:57:00.000-08:00

So today apon texting C today, i thought it would be crazy to actually call her and hear her voice... I met C online last may asking about some recipe and surprisingly she was kind enough to reply. This started a long inquisition of questions and flirting... harmless at first but then it developed into a really close friendship... I think its possible to have really good online friends and relationships. C was really cool about it, she accepted my cheesy flirts and i accepted her hotness and creative mind. Anyways its been a fun ride getting to know her we kinda compliment each other well in the areas we are missing.... I fill a hole in her life and she fills that missing friend i need... Thou I could easily fall for someone like that she keeps stern to her line drawn but dabbles her flirty nature to soothe any thoughts heheh. It works well for both of us. So after 8 months of just twittering and texting i finally grew the balls and called her, i tease myself as being shy and well...... its true. Had so many cheesy lines and things i could say and BAM i choke.... WHY is that??? she seemed to be nervous to. was it the spider on the dashboard that put us in a blank stare? why were we like deer staring at headlights of an on coming car.... Worried??? cautious??? who knew...

Its interesting to me the whole process of becoming a good friend or a great friend or even a Best friend... why do we have to have competitions for this title? but then there friends in different categories and friends that are stand ins till yur reall bff comes around.... I guess we will never know but I know the friends title rotates when it isnt kept up to a common standard. If it isnt maintained then things fade.... I think C has showed me that friends has to have common interests to make it exciting and fun to continue. C has also relieved me of my semi loneliness, I look forward to chatting with her and Its weird the random things that we talk about.

Enough of the EMO rant....

Those were the best days of my life... nice song to end this blog entry hahaha

Pure flavor and awesome POP!!!

2011-01-05T20:51:00.000-08:00

What am i doing????? i have a couple friends that i text every now and then... but there are some that really get into it... in ways that ummm ya... Its fun to a point, yes things get heated but then it gets frustrating, exchanging words and pictures is fun and very inciting, but at what cost. Tattoo girl has been an interesting person to step in my life. Met her on the bus with idle chit chat, then out of the blue she was intimate. It was a fun relationship but to short to develop into anything longterm. According to her she was just here visiting family and moved back to the east coast last month. Which brings me to what happened. Having a physical relationship was fun and almost something I want to have or find again. A non committal fun... is that even possible without a heartgiving situation... I think it was. Friends with benefits work if both people are in the same mind set, once someone starts to have feelings it could go either way. Mostly to the bad side. Tattoo girl had no intention of keeping me around but i didnt have enough time to even fall for her. It was wham bam thank you I'll call you later bye bye.... Yes the sex was amazing and the conversations were short, is that healthy? I seem to be ok with that. there are some people i would like to experience with NSA but who knows where that will go or if it will ever be.

Now with these others that want to have this with me... I wonder if its long term or not. What do I want??? I am still uncertain to what that is.... in the mean time i just go with the flow and make everyone happy that comes around. I dont often come across this but when its presented.... would you??

I'd Die for you...

2011-01-04T21:24:00.000-08:00

Its funny how the music that pops up in everyday life reminds you of certain people, the lyrics, the music, the sounds and movements. All very memorable of times past present or future. One of my closest and dears friends texted me for the first time the other day telling me to look up a song that maybe was for me or not but given the circumstances the title was appropriate for our current conversations. The Pony by Genuwine turned out to be a really sexually charges song... I liked it and instantly thought of her in many ways, but also funny cuz it fit what were have been chatting about. Yes its been awhile again that i have written here and yes there is someone new that has entered my circle of friends... yes C has played a pivotal part in my recovery to life, its amazes me the things people do or say to cheer me up or even just have a simple conversation about mundane life... I may hove found a special friend to say hi to or even talk about kids to.. My roommate has been distancing herself as of late, I am not sure if she is just sick of me or she is having problems with her life. Adult interaction as come down to internet friends since phone reception here sucks ass.

C has been amazing, I am not sure the last time i just sat and chatted with someone till the end of the day about random stuff, but i plan on meeting her someday.

Valkyrie I think is out of the picture for now, random texts and calls here and there... maybe for the better'

Be good to yourself...

2010-10-15T21:23:00.000-07:00

Where to begin??? It's been a couple weeks since last I wrote in here and well let's see if I can remember all the happenings that is going on.

My good friend that I have been writing about here, about her relationships and such is leaving. I won't see here anymore and probably the only means of communication will be Facebook or via texts. I'm bummed because she is always fun to talk to and nice to look at hahaha but her view on life is what has me interested in her story. She did however fell in love with someone totally opposite of her and they moved in with each other after a week of meeting each other. I guess love can smack you in the head and hard. She digs him a lot but we shall see how long it last. I do wish her the best but I see little hints of frustration that could lead her to regretting her decisions later in life. But she also has a string will so dispite all the odds she can prevail.

As for my good friend from the big state. She is awesome. Well I'm sure if I lived closer to her it would grow into something serious. But I'm here and she's there and I still have my life and she has hers. So becoming her friend has been fun. We tease and play but at the end of the day we are alone. Maybe??? One day we will meet and see where it goes from there. It seems to be a pattern with most people. I talk to valkyrie every now and then and some others I text here and there. Some respond with stuff that throws me in such a loop that I'm like WTF???? Others I'm just nice and take it as it is....

-- Posted from my iTouch

How feeble we are?

2010-10-15T21:10:00.001-07:00

I really need to move out and get things I meant to get done, done.... I think today has been bad only cuz something happened last night that made me rethink what I'm doing.... It sucks but kinda glad it happened. It just brings me closer to earth and the reality that I tried to cover.

-- Posted from my iTouch

Weekend of fun??? Ya right...

2010-10-15T21:09:00.001-07:00

Well it's that time again. The gathering of the masses in my little hometown. Every year there is this big event that happens that makes people flock back to this town for good times and fun. School reunions of five years, rides, food an crafts. Over all this is a fun event. An event I for some reason have been away from for the past decade. Within that time I did go once but It was just in passing. Thou these next couple years are pretty interesting because my school reunion is up in a couple years and the people I went to school with are starting to show up. Now recently I have been chatting with people and been connecting up with old friends. Well why I run away when this happens is beyond me or maybe I'm just subconscious about what really is on my mind.

One person that is gonna be here is my long time recent crush valkyrie. Ya she will be here and has already asked when to meet up..... I did t give her an answer because I am not sure I am ready to see her yet.... She will be all weekend and me I just so got caught up in something that I didn't know was at the sametime. Ya I should just do it but 80% of me still says to wait. Uggggg it's my procrastination that is killing me on this. I couldve hooked up with her plenty of times but nooooo. I hold back.

-- Posted from my iTouch

Used to be a sweet boy....

2010-10-15T21:07:00.001-07:00

Well another festival and another time not going. It's getting closer and cozier to my reunion and I think that's the time I will probably go. Thats in like two years. This year again I didn't go cuz of my self doubt lingering over my head. It was nice to get texts asking where I was but I still didn't show up. The pictures kept coming and the friends I saw were those I haven't seen in forever. But it's my own fault that I didn't go. And on top of that my weekend plans were canceled due to the fact that my kids didn't want to go and I was kinda broke. So what did they do?? Hung out with my ex's best friends mom and my old friend. At least they had fun, as for me??? I just stayed home mad at myself for not going and other things in general. I did meet some new people and have gotten better friends with others. It has been good.

-- Posted from my iTouch

A good idea.... Jealousy

2010-10-15T21:05:00.003-07:00

Well here is a start of kinda a new direction with this blog. I wanted to start a complete different page but decided to stay here just cuz it's seems easier to maintain. I have access to it from other places and hopefully I will be able to update as soon as possible. As for my topic titles I'm not sure if anyone caught on but it's usually lines from the song I'm listening to at the moment.

-- Posted from my iTouch

Midnight sun, set me free....

2010-10-15T21:05:00.002-07:00

I left my phone at work..... This will be interesting cuz I'm never without phone. But what a flash back it has been. The depending on such a device for social interactions. Just think back in high school we had to depend on our regular land line phone. No emails no texting just good ole talking communication. Ugg no wonder I never had dates. I was to shy. Thou the Internet has opened me up to a social world and I have more friends online than I do in real life. I am sure it's like that with all people now.

Lately I have been feeling lonely. My roommate is always going to her boyfriends and I'm home with the kids every weekend. I don't mind that as much but sometimes I have to get out of my stir craziness. I have had plenty of opportunities to go out and have fun but lately I think my depression is getting the best of me. It kinda sucks but I'm dealing with it as best I can. Internet friends have been great but seeing someone in person seems to be what I'm looking for now. Waking up alone everymorning at 4am and getting home at 730 pm. The kids are either sleeping or just about going to bed. Last night made me realize I have been out of the loop on my kids education. My oldest is not doing well over all. And I think it's partly due to me not caring enough for her learning. Yes I'm grateful for her trying and hard work she puts in it but not checking in on her or positive reinforcements that can give her that extra effort. We all have different ways to raise kids and I'm trying my best to make sure they do what they can to the fullest potential. It's just hard when my day is taking so long starting and ending. Then my weekends are spent vegging. I should be prepping the house for winter or even the minor details that need attention around the house. I have been slacking a little and the quietness of my roommate could indicate that she may be getting irritated. The kids still don't say anything but maybe it is time to move on and out. I can't stay there forever. And eventually I'll need to move. But till then it's just one day at a time.

As for my former friends. I have been toting with the idea of letting go. My past is something I want to be rid of and I really just need to move on. I have already deleted them off fb and just fading away. My sorrys have been said now it's just time to heal and move on. Thou it's kinda hard when everyday you are reminded of who you are and where your at. I don't talk to them as much but I see them everyday. I get sad and sulk. So that's been a challenge for me aswell.

Till next time

-- Posted from my iTouch

She's such a bitch.... This thing called depression..

2010-10-15T21:05:00.001-07:00

It hate it when I feel like this. No motivation or spunk. No self reliance no love no nothing. I just wanna curl up into a corner and die. I felt this way one time before and it's just not fun. Even thou I haven't been diagnosed with depression, all the signs are there. It just plain sucks. Just the littlest things set me off to and sometimes the most stupidest things that are beyond my control. My loss of rl friends my loss of family and my inability to move forward, I was doing sooo good last year but since I've moved back in with my ex it has been trying. My fatherly skills are dwindling and my positive attitude sucks as well

-- Posted from my iTouch

You'll get what you desearve...

2010-08-02T23:44:00.000-07:00

Waking up alone has hit me really hard today. Talking to friends and couples that I have known for awhile just reinforced the idea of my longing for some sort of companionship. But as I think of it I tend to sway away because of the things that I have used to sway me away from pursuing. I have fun where I go but deep down inside I'd like to share it with someone. This weekend I have known this girl for about a year now. And when out of the blue I sent her a picture she was like whatever hahaha I am such a baby or maybe I just took it in wrong or whatever. The point is I was mentally thinking this was someone I wanted to care for when in fact it's just a good friend that I can have more than what I want. Ya I have plenty of those.... I know if I put my mind to it I can make something of it. My best example is Valkyrie.... I am pretty sure we could've went somewhere with our flirts and innuendos. But I chickened out so many times....

-- Posted from my iTouch

If I ever leave....

2010-07-26T20:25:00.001-07:00

it's been awhile since I have written in here and not much has happen since then. The girl I have been writing about at work finally transferred to another city and movEd in with her love. It's interesting to me how people fall in love within the five days they have known each other. But it seems to work. I am happy for her and hope she succeeds in her life. I know her friends have many opinions about her situation, I kinda envy her cuz she's taking that chance in life that many hesitate. Should I do such a thing?? Time can only tell.

Another person I have been chatting with daily is hmmm what should I nickname her..... Mandi. Only cuz she likes a singer by that name. Anyways mandi and I have been chatting for like almost year and it's been childish banter at first and the occasional flirting on my part but recently I have taken interest in her. Not in a serious matter but wow this chick is kewl and fun to talk to. The drawback is she is from another state that is like 20 hours away... Now I'm sure if we lived in the same area there would probably be something more. Her little answers to my gibberish makes me wonder what would happen if I moved or even visited her. She is pretty very witty and laughs at me. She has an interesting past and even sheltered a bit. Yet there are things in common we can talk about or do. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but maybe there is something there if instigated more. Oh well it is what it is..... More on mandi latter

Ok so I was in San Diego this weekend and Valkyrie texts me it's my chance?!?!? WTF does that mean?? Hahah I was like hey lady you are in a relationship with a good friend of mine and it would suck if he were to find out. But the thought was there. My infatuation with her runs deep. I was trying to explain one day to my roommate how Valkyrie will all ways be in my heart do to her nature of being the first attractive women to take interest in me after my split. Even though I shouldve gone for it I didn't due to the fact of disappointment. Something I need to over come some day. But anyways her teasing me made me think she is still pondering me in some way.... Which made me feel good but sad that nothing came of it... Ugggg I'm no certain of this feeling I have for her. But sometimes it's annoying or the opposite ugggg. I know Mtn festival is coming next month and my good friends bday is also. Who is a good friend of Valkyrie. Which they will be hanging out too. I will probably be to chicken shit to goto Mtn fest but we will see.

Shook me all night long...

2010-06-20T08:24:00.001-07:00

I don't understand maybe she was joking maybe she is hinting hahaha ya right I'm getting my hopes up. Anyways tthis morning I had to wake up the roommate to take me to the bus stop due to not having change and was running late. Uggg I hate waking her cuz afterwards I feel like shit. Yes I would hate to be woken up at 430am and yes I'm a loser to wake up that early too. Hmmmm

Yesterday was interesting. I was pulled into the office at work for being a witness of something that happened that was really childish to begin with. Some people just can't accept certain things.

Ok so my project that i have been following did go out with a new person. (when I say following it's not in a stalkerish way just curious about her situation and bored heheh) it's funny when younger people start dating older people. There's that thin line of ok parent.... Me I was actully curious of what it would be like with an older woman. I was seeing this one girl or should I say lady haha and she was considerably older than me like 52. Amazingly she didn't look like it. She kept herself well fit and was very entertaining. What did she think about seeing someone that was way younger?? She didn't care. The sex was good and the good times were plenty. Now what about the other way?? A younger lady going after an older man??? I'll name her taylor cuz she reminds me of Taylor Swift. Anyways Taylor went out with this one guy that was like 7years older and had a couple kids. The thoughts mustve been mindboggling at thtat young age. There's this guy that has already been married and had kids. He's experienced life already in the aspect of marriage kids and divorce. Grant it I have been thru the same thing and companionship is a definite thing we miss but also the sex. Intentions could be high in this dept. Taylor is a fairly attractive person and why not have a gf thT could trump your ex and have eyecandy hanging on yur arm ya..... Anyways I can relate to Taylor new how should I say this... Person of one way intrest. Hehehe now I'm not sure if she's interested but I know she has commented on how wierd it is being baby'd by this man. Hahaha details later when they rise.

Out of the blue I did get to talk to Valkyrie.... Omg right?!?!? Just the usual flirting online lead to me calling her and laughing because of the teasing each other. I'm not sure why I'm still stuck on her. After everyone I always go back to her.... Why?? She makes me smile she makes me lose where I'm at and she is fun to talk to. But yet she lives so far away and alas I have no car ugggg. Anyways one day.....

How do people do it??? Without medication or help?? It is tough dealing with this I can feel it draining me. I can feel the tears swell up I can feel the sense of worthlessness overwhelming my happy demenor. How much more will I take before falling??

-- Posted from my iTouch

I see what's going down.....

2010-06-11T04:12:00.001-07:00

Well ithink I'm going back into my depressive state. I'm sad that I have to ride a bike everyday. I'm sad that I have no real friends than the ones I have at work. I'm sad that I secluded myself from everyone. I'm sad that I can't motivate myself to be a better father. I'm sad that the descisions I made has continued to grow out of control and soon it will blow up in my face. I'm sad that some days I rather be worm food than the happy life I potray online. I'm sad that my good friend is gone and she is somewhere that I might or might not believe. I'm sad that I ignore some people because of personal grudges. I'm sad that I shouldve been something yet I choose to take the easy road which has lead me here a complete mess. I am sad that I can't afford certain things for my kids. I am sad that the people I care for right now are bajillion miles away. Why must I continue when all this stuff recently isn't really good for my mental state. My good friends that I hung out with since highschool are gone and doing their life. I try and be positive but daily I'm reminded of the failures that I have created. I try and make people smile and laugh and to some extent they do. But I'm left empty for some reason. I ride the bus five days a week. I ride my bike 20 miles roundtrip on days I work. I come home and goto bed just to do it again the next day. I need something soon or my downward spiral will get the best of me.

A couple days ago I realized that the sun comes up while I'm riding the bus. The awesome begining of each day is in front of me. I ponder what will come of it and hope things will change but as I'm mezmorized by the sun. Looking at it to much it begins to hurt. I guess this blog in a way is my venting since no one is around to even bother with how I really feel. And even if someone would ask I'd probably turn the other way and make the subject into some about zombies or totally different. That's just me I guess. I have been getting better opening up but recently I have been sugar coating it to make it seem better than it is. Most people add their renditions of stories, to make them interesting and to captivate the person hearing them. I am guilty of this as well. We shall see what the future holds for me but it better be good soon because I'm not sure if I can take this much longer. Stewing like this is begining to take it's toll on me.

-- Posted from my iTouch

How am I suppose to pretend??

2010-06-06T16:41:00.003-07:00

My second attempt at writing this uggggg anyways. It's been a trying couple of days and riding the bus and going to work and no car has just made it worst. This past weekend I had access to a car and it was great. Made me miss my car and the spontaneous adventures. Now I'm back to watching these people come and go on this bus. Will that be me in ten years???

-- Posted from my iTouch

Hi.......

2010-06-06T16:41:00.002-07:00

Texting experiments are fun to a point. You see who's out there and wonder if they respond in a timely matter or if certain requests are made heheheh. It's been awhile since I have spoken to Valkyrie or chatted. But everyonce in awhile I'll text her "hi" and zhe responds right away. Now I could go into the psycological meanings of this and drive myself mad but I think today is not the day.

It amazes me when women come up to me and tell me all men are jerks. I think to myself am i?? Maybe they tell me cuz they are comfortable at talk to me maybe they tell me cuz I'll listen maybe they have their own meanings but it's curious to me cuz most of the time I don't represent that part of my breed. It also makes me sad cuz here is an attractive and outgoing woman standing in front of me crying about the inconsistancy of her boyfriend. I offer my advice like any friend should but it makes you want to step in and show them what a nice person is. Hmmmmm it's mind boggling. But.... It's also a learning experience cuz I'm learning what not to do around women. Yes I'm single and would like to find that person but the road there is bummpy and unknown heheh.

As for the mini things I have going on with my Twitter friends..... Ya I'll keep it at that hahaha

I think I'll write about this person at work that has these problems of dating and being single. Maybe I can open some doors of my own by listening the what ifs and what nots in her relationships. Or at least get a better understanding at it. Also I'll write about the bus journeys hehehe

-- Posted from my iTouch

PIZZA!!!!

2010-06-06T16:41:00.001-07:00

Hahah so this morning on the bus some fairly attractive girls came on and it looked like they were hikers. Anyways they sat down and there was this guy that was sitting across from them that was quiet till they got on. He started screaming PIZZA and orther things. It kinda freaked out people on the bus. The girls just tried to ignore them but his shouts were to loud to try. It was rather amusing but that must stink to have torettes like that. Needless to say I'm deaf but hungry hehehe. One of the girls did smile at me hehhe happy John :)

Yesterday it was kinda quiet on the bus. Had the occational wierd looks and stinky hairy ear man. I was in awe with the lady that got off the bus before I got on. Wow she was smokin. Hehe ya I'm male and still go wow at beauty.

As for Chanel she went and saw her loser bf last night. When all day she was complaining about how inconsiderate he is and how much she is a jerk. So she said she was single and hates men..... Uggg 1st of all it's a long journey to find that perfect someone and you'll know when you find this person. She is young and attractive yet doesn't know what she wants. Stress is taking over her, not only from her wierd relationships but from work as well. It's funny listening to her complain because most of the time it's stuff that could be controlled or signs of get away. I fear that this guy is gonna start using her because even thou he brushed her off over the holiday weekend she came back. I see that as an open invintation to do it again. And then to make matters worse she went and made out with her ex uggggg what is she thinking???? Not only did guilt come into effect the next day she seemed confused.... To me it seems like. Pointless stress and needs to extinguished by moving on. I think her inner circle of pressure to have a bf or to get married has prompt her to want such things.... Me I'd finish school and if something happens it happens. She has good friends and a great support circle. More on this when new things develope....

As for me..... I'm not sure what's going on. I'm looking forward to apply at the slo warehouse for some ft work but it's so far away from the kids and without a car I might get screwed over this ugggg

-- Posted from my iTouch

Before I walk away...

2010-05-27T19:27:00.001-07:00

I'm not liking this one bit. I can sense it in her attitude and the way I'm talked to. It might be me or just the fact that I've seen this for the past 14 years..... Yes I'm getting in a rut and I'm reminded daily when I get on that bus or ride my bike. Yes I like the excerise but at what cost?? My sanity is dwindling fast and this I can feel. Each day a pint of depression makes it's way into my head wondering if this is worth it. Yet my kids are the only ones that I come to and reassures me it is. It tears me about seeing thm not get what they want ot crying when a promise is broken. I try but this exhaustion is becoming of me. I'm not sure what to do. My kids only see the outside of me the part of me that hides well of what is really happening I side. They tell my old friends I'm fine. But am I??? Hmmmm I keep myself occuipied but I am running ou of things to do. My computer broke I have no car and I'm tired after pulling a 12 hour workday that includes a 20mile bikeride. Am I giving myself excuses??? Maybe but it is wearing me thin. I'm not happy.

What will make me happy?? Maybe the living on my own thing. Maybe a better job or a better paying job. I'm ugly and right now I have no ambition. I look forward to hide my life and chat with my virtual friends but how long will that last and when they log off I'm alone once again. I get to work and everyone here is against eachother. It's rather sad and makes the workplace not a welcomed place as it once was. Maybe I do need to get away to gather my thoughts but where Nd most importantly how will I get there. It's sad when I ride home I take my time. I've rode down many different trails and stopped and watched ants crawl. Yes I'm that exciting. A good friend from the past contacted me. One I used hang with all the time and talk to. He asked how I was and what's up..... I had nothing. Not sure if I wanted to open up a can of worms or not but it just seemed I was not interested in delving myself. Is it something I want to get away from??? It's been nearly four years since my seperation and almost five since I lost a really close beast friend. My girlfriend past away a year ago and someone I really like I was afraid to go and see. I want to change but it's so hard at this moment and plus I always preached no one ever changes.

What is this bblog about then???? I guess I'm just ranting about my own life not meeting up with the expectations that I have set out four years ago. Fix my broken self and be the best dad I can be. I'm getting a F rating on this and need to go away. I think I will hit up this cruise thing soon. Away and gone for a couple days would be nice. Or save up and get a car.......

Hehe

-- Posted from my iTouch

In groms we trust...

2010-05-26T01:38:00.000-07:00

Somebody left a surfing magazine on the break room table and it just remind me of the old days with friends and our surfing trips but one thing I find when reading this is the philosophy that is involved. Most suffers talk about the way the waves move and the way they are part of their life. It's interesting that most travel the world and see new people I wonder if that philosophy gets shoved aside when money is involved and fame. Just like the movies and the books you read there isn't many people that can handle it. I guess when yur floating out there on yur job waiting for that wave to get them points to earn 1st place will have that diminishing effect. I could be wrong. The passion is there at the beginning and the fun but I can only think that once you go corprate you lose that serenity of something you loved to do to the slave land grind of making it as a form of living. I guess I can say I am jealous and fasinated of these surfers. To be in a great shape to pull of these manuveurs and the hot women. Hmmmm

Anyways lately I have been going through a life check. Analysing everything and comparing them to my own. I really need to just do it. Moving in back with my ex has has it's moments and the kids seem to enjoy it but now I'm stuck.... I work all week and don't get to spend much time with the kids and when I do get home I'm very tired from my 20 mile bike ride. I'm disappointing Chloe my oldest is above failing in school and my son doesn't care about hygene. Now just reading what I wrote might just contribute to them being kids but my health as well has been up and down. More mentally than physcally. My life is far from perfect and the choices I have made not all the best. I guess I can thank to be alive but at what cost?? Even though my kids love me my role model creds aren't there and I'm sure my ex has some things to say as well. I'm not sure what I'm doing at this point but it needs to be decided soon. I really don't have friends to hang out with and the ones I do are all on a virtual plane of existance. I'm not all that attractive and my mind wanders...... Uggg. I'm not helping any hahaha. Anyways enough of the daily rant. Just gonna sweep it under the couch and hope it will not come back to haunt me. Today is a new day and life is here.

-- Posted from my iTouch

Paris....

2010-05-16T21:59:00.001-07:00

Nsfw 18+
A quick story for her...

The adrenaline rush from the haunted mansion spurred an new interest. Where can we go and not get caught be enjoy each other. Ohhhhhh the Matterhorn!!! Waiting in line flirting with each other and getting turned on more and more with each passing moment. This ride would be perfect to satisfy her for this 5 mins of bliss. The attendant motioned us to sit down. I get in first and you wanting to sit on my lap skootched in snuggled between my legs. My cock growing with excitement and you wiggling yur ass into it more shows me you are aware what is there. The ride stEtson and we wait to enter the cave. I already have my arms around you and pulling u back to lean on me. We enter the cave and begin to ascend to the top to begin the fun roller-coaster. In the dark we can hear the screams of fellow riders. Soon drowned out by our heavy breathing I beginning to run my hands up underneath yur shirt. The soft Lacey bra had no match standing between me and my goal. Knowing we don't have much time I pull yur bra down to reveal yur perky nipples for my fingers to play with. My other hand running down yur tensed up leg finds yur already moist panties. I bite yur ear as I move yur underwear side to reveal yur flower to me. I can hear yur breath get heavy as my fingers pinch and pull yur nipples and a slight burst of cutoff words when my finger touches yur wet flesh. Yur skirt hiked up even more I bend u forward so I can lift u up on my lap. U already knowing what to expect next start to grind yur lovely ass on my crotch. In seconds I pull out my throbbing
Manhood just to quickly plunge it deep inside you as u grind right on top. Both of us letting out a howl of pleasure as we reach the top of the tracks for our downward trek. Yur wet pussy made it easy for u to ride my thick cock. And as the coaster descended the rush of the ride and the motion of fuck became instant orgasm for you. This would be one of many before the ride was done. The whips and turns and the sudden jerks made it almost unbearable for you. The pure sensations of me inside you and the ride making you want more was apperent. My hand grabbing harder on to yur breast and the other rubbing yur clit made me want to cum badly. As the coaster is approaching the end the bumps in the ride made me go deeper in you and you start to fuck me faster. I can feel my urge to cum intesify as I'm going in deeper. And right before the last turn I explode with a deep compassion. My fingers pinch your nipples harder my stiffen up and I can hear and feel you cuming as well. Yur back arching and you trying to get me in deeper as yur muscles spazzing with overjoyed motions. As the train pulled into the station we gather our things and smile. "what's the next ride we should go on??"

-- Posted from my iTouch

I'm not afraid...

2010-05-16T21:58:00.001-07:00

The lust that has been displayed these last couple days just shows me that the male counterparts in these womens lives disappoints me. These beautiful and thoughtful people being ignored of their physical attention hmmmm. Some of these women are just awesome. I can see where they are coming from too. As in my previous marriage I was ignoring my wife and thus where I am today. I know the sexual prowlness is enhanced around age 30+. I have seen and experienced this lust. When I was married I however was blind to it. We get caught up in our little webs and daily routines to see this evolve. Anyways miss Arkansas sends me dirty pictures all the time wanting me and sharing her thoughts on what to do. She is married and have kids but I ask what makes you get to a point where this happens. She gets sex once a week but she wants it everyday. Thus my theory of sexual neediness after age 30. There is another woman that I talk to in her 50s that display the same physical need. I have in the past wondered what it would be like to seduce ms Robinson. The knowing of her experiences could teach me a few things. As I get older yes the fucking is wanted but the sensual and romance is becoming more needed. Even Paris loves my words of lust and stories of passion. Where has it gone?? Do we lose track of it at a certain age and need to be reminded?? Paris is amazing, Arkansas needs more and 50+ wants to be fucked and man handled. It's strange yet appealing to hear these different situations. Now I have never sleep with these women but I'm sure if I had a chance there would be no questions asked. I've been talking to a 29yo and she has been flirtatious but not like the others and the 21yo is still in the ewww that's dirty phase. Now hearing from my male friends experiences are almost similar. So I wonder with our attention spans becoming shorter what will happen.

-- Posted from my iTouch

Breaking out!!

2010-05-16T21:56:00.001-07:00

This weekend we made the la purisima mission for Chloes school project and even thou it was last minute it was fun to do. Building that I think brought Chloe and I a little closer. We took our time on the buildings made them out of cardboard and painted it with the mass array of materials we had on hand. The horse drawn carriage was pretty neat and the tree and shrubbery. Over all good times, I don't even remember making one and I missed out on zoes project.

Zoe has been a challenge her knowing everything is getting really annoying but I must stick tto being dad and not giving in to her shenanigans. I feel bad yelling at her but how else am I suppose to get thru her. She will be a teenager soon and this should be an interesting ride....

As for me I found a long lost friend I haven't heard from in a couple years. She was always fun to chat with and was around when my ex and I were separating. I was happy to see she had a baby and her long time bf were gonna get married. Sigh......

-- Posted from my iTouch

Fighting on arrival!!

2010-05-01T10:20:00.001-07:00

Alright.... Where did spring go?? Rode the bike in the freezing cold this morning when I got up to Tehachapi uggg and it was sleeting in my face hmmmm. I should rethink this wearing shorts.

What made yesterday interesting was the confirmation of Valkyrie admitting she is seeing someone. I've known for awhile but she insisted that they are just friends. Now why has she said this?? Is it because I annoy here to much?? Is it that she's finally serious for that to work?? Hmmm whatever the case may be good luck to her now comes the part of ohhhhhh man I delayed that to long. Ugggg the hot girl the couldn't been isn't available anymore :(. I hope she is ok, it sounds like it thou. I wonder thou.....

As for the roommate she was really sad yesterday so I treated her to dinner with the kids. I wrote a huge blog about her job denial but the damn thing erased ugggg

-- Posted from my iTouch

Hang on!!

2010-04-27T20:27:00.003-07:00

Hmmm to getting out of the house late this morning and luckily the bus was running late again I made good time riding my bike. Getting there at the usual time of a couple minutes before 5am but leaving at 435 I had a good pace to get there with time to spare. My ride was accompanied by an almost full moon sitting on the horizon. I the next couple days it will be back to shine my way and lite up my path of travel. It was kinda neat seeing the moon sitting there ready to sleep as the sun is coming up.

My roommate was sad last night because she didn't get the job she applied for. Which is a shame cause I know she would've done good in that position. She is a hard worker and I wish her well. As for my job it's pretty simple yet stressing sometimes cause of my boss but isn't every job like that???

-- Posted from my iTouch

Why do you let me stay here???

2010-04-27T20:27:00.001-07:00

Another Monday and week four of my biking to work. Which isn't that bad if you have music and wake up on time. One thing I keep forgetting to do on my ride is look around at the settings that is given to me. The few moments that I do gaze upon the heavenly sky i notice the black sky that is poked with millions of holes by some celestial being giving us air to breathe. The night sky is amazing out in the desert. Hardly any city lights and quiet from the daily hustle bustle of metropolis life. Its amazing out here at night.

What inspired me the write this was when the bus was in route to my final destination the edge of the fog was creeping it's way towards Mojave and the blanket of cotton looking air swirled around at the foot of the cemetery plant leaving an eerie sense of wonderment as we drove by. Almost straight from a horror film where on a foggy morning the bodies reveal themselves as the sun burns away the mist. What will today have in store for us??? Hmmmm

Also I found out that I was pulled into an affair scandal that was kinda funny. One of my close friends was told by her daughter that the reason they were getting a divorce was because her and I had an affair..... HahahahahHhHHAahahah!!!!!! Ya likely story thou I have always wanted to sleep with her just never happened and just have become good friends. It's interesting thou why he choose me to say this about. Considering that when they were married we never talked to each other because he was controlling and didn't like any of her friends. And it wasn't till after my separation and hers we even started reconnecting with one another hmmmm. He is just an interesting person. Even thou they are divorced they will always be in each others life due to the fact they have kids.... And throwing mud at each other mainly on his side from what I get isn't the best way to raise them. Grant it I have my own situations about my kids and ex but doesn't everyone??? It's part of the separation as parents package.

-- Posted from my iTouch

All the leafs are brown....

2010-04-20T20:28:00.000-07:00

Sniff sniff uggg such a runny nose today.... The bike ride was very cold, probably the coldest yet. I did manage to get there on time but the only thing was the bus ended up being 25min late.... Seriously!! Our town is the first stop WTF!!! Hmmm oh well at least I made it.

Soo ya these last two days have been crazy. My parenting skills have been challenged by my own daughter. I couldn't goto work due to snow and I am broke as a joke ugggg oh and taxes were denied boooo. I did fix the taxes and I managed to rectify my situation with my daughter but it left a sour note in my head cuz the way she used to hurt me.....

-- Posted from my iTouch

Swing life away....

2010-04-20T19:15:00.003-07:00

Hmmm so Valkyrie popped in my head again. I still talk to her on occasions and her relationship with her "best friend" seems to be going strong. Just makes me wonder the what ifs and so close moments to seeing her, yet I hold back still. Well now maybe cuz I don't have a car at the moment hmmmm ya that's it. I'm not sure why I give excuses for her but they are their. Every since Porscha asked me why I'm still single, it makes me wonder why. It's by choice I'm thinking. So many missed opportunities and yet I'm still here single. Maybe I'm afraid of commitment maybe I'm still recovering from my failed past or maybe I'm still looking for myself. I can come up with so many excuses yet I'm still here thinking of the past. Why..... I really need to move on and make the best of it. Valkyrie is my friend and that's all it will ever be. Yes at one time she was the one I wanted to be with, to hold, and to be intimate with. Yet for some shy reason I stayed away. Uggg.... I will continue to go merry way of flirtatious comments hide behind my computer and be content. Que sera sera.......

The bike ride this morning went good I made it in 26ish min. I was running late so I jammed down there as fast as I could. I did rest some spots but if I can keep a good pace I'm sure I can make I to 20mins. As for the ride last night it was ok the wind was blowing but I managed to keep going. Took me like 40 mins. Hmmm.

-- Posted from my iTouch

Wasting time....

2010-04-20T19:15:00.001-07:00

The exertion of muscles as they push forward my metal steed. The precise balance needed to ride such a machine and concentration is uncanny. My morning slumber is interrupted due to such a thing. Hmmm...... The bike ride seems to be getting easier and easier each week thou my Monday jaunts are tough at first due to no activity during the weekend. Today on Mondays however my ride home won't be interrupted due to roommate coming to pick me up hahah yes I have taken advantage of this a couple times but Mondays I can't cuz the kids have scouts which is fine.

This weekend I did nothing..... The house was full of junior girl scouts so I kept to myself and played scrabble with friends and Facebook. It kinda sucks not having a car but also not spending money helps in me saving hahaha. One thing I did run across this weekend was the way my daughter is acting. Very bossy and talks back to her mom and dad. I'm not sure where this comes from or if this was a thing we didn't notice while raising her. Maybe it's a hormonal thing or a phase as she is entering that emotional state of becoming a teenager. Whatever it is I we need to head it off somewhere and soon. My parenting is very low key and not forceful. My ex on the other hand is has a short temper and is very outspoken to our children. That's just her. I'm not sure I can raise my voice to my children but I have. Apparently she has been bossy and very rude with fellow girl scouts and my ex. I'm gonna do some research as to how to handle this. We shall see how this goes. But I was scared for a moment cuz I thought she ran away. They got into a bad fight and almost crossed that line of omg. So my daughter disappeared for a bit and I went out looking for her in the car. I began to worry so much I almost was going to cry. How can this happen. Yes i did see the fight but it wasn't that bad I probably would've handled it different. What was done was done. Moving forward and learning from the past I need to figure out something for her.

-- Posted from my iTouch

Open arms

2010-04-19T10:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my daughter Chloe got an award for participating in a water conservation poster project. Her ceremony was at the Rosamond High School gym which I haven't been there in forever, I think the last time I was there was when my friend was a senior in HD and Tehachapi played them in basketball hahah wow like in 93 ugggg and I live in Rosamond now heheheh.

Bike ride went smooth my sickness still looms but it seems I am making better time. It took me roughly around 30 mins again but my throat still hurts and I have that lingering cough uggg. but my legs feel good and my cardio is getting better so that's a plus. This morning I did wear shorts which wasn't that bad till I got to Tehachapi then I froze my ass off. I knew I would be but the weather is getting warmer and it was time to start the shorts. On payday I might get the bike rack and backpack so I can start to bring lunch and a change of clothes ya smart John hahaha.

Chatting with one of my friends last night she pointed out my witty humor which to myself I don't see it but I guess others are aware of it. One person wanted to make a fan page for me on Facebook hahah that would be funny but anyway we were talking and I brought up leg pit sweat hahaha we all have it don't we??? In fact since I was teasing her about it on my ride this morning I seemed to be more conscious about it. I had that same legpit sweat I was so going on about.... It happens to the best of us or maybe the worst hahahah!!!

-- Posted from my iTouch

Wow!!! Bus is full.....

2010-04-17T11:38:00.000-07:00

Hmmm ok a huge collection of people on here. The crying child with the comforting father sitting behind me. The quiet girl across from me applying the lipstick and kinds flirting with the guy near the front. We have a white trash looking navy seal dressing yahoo looking like he might do something that will cause us all grief. Mostly young white males. There is one guy with a grossly enormous large head. He might be handicap but can't quite tell I am not sure. Only three females that I can see, one of them I can see staring at me. She has this what's that on your facelook hahaha I can only imagine what she is thinking of. The guy next to me is rocking out to somesort music on b.

-- Posted from my iTouch

Hot lady on bus...

2010-04-15T22:20:00.001-07:00

Ok I'm gonna try and describe this girl that is sitting on the bus in front on me kinda.

I have been riding the bus for almost a month now and I've seen my share of intersesting people. But cmon since when do you see a girl that can almost resemble a supermodel. I saw twins one time that looked barely 21 that were hot with red hair and piercings haha ya but this girl hmmm I will call ger Salma cuz she looks like the actress kinda. Anyways she sits there with legs crossed her imitation ugg boots are scuffed but fairly clean and the jacket she has covering the bottom half of her body is black with buttons on the collar. Covering what thou??? Could she be wearing a mini skirt or with a man mind like mine it could be really short shorts. Hmmmm her calves are exposed which has my attention for a bit. They are muscular and tanned which meanss she takes care of her self and knows she is hawt the jacket is covering her middle half but why??? Is she hiding a big ass?? Doesn't look like it maybe she is cold but that brings us to her purple low cut blouse. Her cleavage did get my notice and also the bad suspension in the bus is causing her to bounce her very nice sized breast. Again salma hyeck heheh she wears a ring bu no wedding diamond zo this could be promising. Her toned arms are holding an iphone which shows some sort of intelligence. And an apple product hahaha. Her mouth has small lips kinda like an anime girl and the small freakle below her eye. Her eyelashes are long and full. She doesnt seem fat at all very toned and petite.. I bet when she gets up she's wearing something tight. Hmmm

-- Posted from my iTouch

The man who fell to earth...

2010-04-14T21:53:00.001-07:00

Well today is my birthday and with that comes many birthday wishes and things said that makes my head swell or even wonder why they were said. Talking to many people last night reminded me on how I am with my friends of new. The witty sarcasm and the ability to entertain is apparent but my soft and caring side shines thru. This my be a fluff piece but what the hell it's my birthday and I could cry if I want too heheh. I was thinking what was my most memoriable birthday.... There was the time I went to Disneyland with Catalina. My kids each making me presents from school and hmmmm the McDonald parties my mom used to throw me when I was a wee lad hahah. As ar as gifts i received a mustang from my parents in highschool. But over the years they have come and gone but this morning my daughter gave me a big hug and said i love you daddy. I teared up and enjoyed that moment the most. As the birthday wishes come in the more and more they make me happy. Which is needed right now cuz my slight detour of life ugggg. The car breaking, the moving in with the ex and next month is the annv. of the death of Nikki.... Jsut been an up and down emotionally time. I do need to vent soon i can feel it boiling up inside.

Anyways my bike ride this morning was a cold one in Tehachapi cuz well I missed the bus and only rode my bike in Tehachapi hahah today thou I will ride home.

-- Posted from my iTouch

Human??

2010-04-13T18:28:00.001-07:00

Hmmm well yesterday I had a smile on my face the whole day. My friends that I have recently made are amazing, it made for an interesting day and also made the day go by faster. I missed the bus at first and I can tell my roommate was kinda annoyed because the bus was actually early and we saw it drive off. I was considerate enough to wait for the last minute for her to take me but it proved disastrous. But she made up for it for dragging me along to the avc campus for her testing where I sat for almost 4 hours uggg we had to take such daughter to doctors cuz she stayed home sick. And now my cough is still lingering uggg. We did pay bills and got a bite to eat but other than that my time with her was limited due to the fact she had to take the girls to girl scouts. So keoni and I stayed home played some halo and ate dinner.

The highlight of my day was by a person that just texted me out of the blue that I ended up chatting with all day and playing games. It was fun and she made me laugh. A very animated individual and funny yet way young for me. Yes the thoughts are there but I enjoy her company and witty snarkism. And it's nice to converse with someone other than my kids and my roommate hehehe I don't know I just don't want to run the same course with most of the hot friends I talk to. Befriend them and become that big brother they never had ugggg oh well it happens and thou I have some close female friends it would be nice to spend moments with. Maybe I'm asking for to much heheheh

My bike ride was not interesting at all, not like last week were I hit a lady and a possum. Thou we did switch buses in Mojave and I did ride in the rain in Tehachapi. My ride did have me dodging mud puddles and I managed to be more aware of my ride. It kinda sucks with no moon out cuz I have to depend on my headlight. So now I'm riding in the middle of the road hehehe.

I do write about my daily experiences like a diary or a man-journal hahah I'm thinking of writing about the stories that run thru my head and the ones I write to people to cheer them up. This my contain sexual fiction or gory adventures. Whatever is running thru my head at the time hehehe. Also I need to start exploring things I haven't a clue about. I did start this blog to explore my relationship of post divorce and the traveling adventures but now it is time to add or change hahah so here we go.......

-- Posted from my iTouch

Grand theft auto on a bike....

2010-04-10T10:20:00.001-07:00

Wow where to start... Well this morning I was riding my bike, feeling good and making good time the moon was barely lit almost resemblance of the Cheshire cats smile. Checking the time at my halfway point smiling cuz I left late but ahead os schedule I continued to bike on. Listening to some vampire weekend and thinking to myself how often does the old man walk or ride his bike this early in the morning. When suddenly I saw a lady walking in front of me..... Uggggg I swerved to the left to avoid her but ended up nailing her on her left side knocking us both down. I flew off my bike landed like 20ft away my head light and rear light broke off and her things fell down too. Omg.... It happened so suddenly and makes me wonder how I am suppose to ride now. I'm so cautious as it is but this mishap has me in lala land about my approach on bike riding. Both my knees are bleeding and have a mean road rash on my elbow uggggg. She seemed ok just shaken and I was ok too. I guess that was a wake up call for both us this morning. Ensuring she was ok I gathered my things and went on my merry way. I made it to the busstop 30min after I left the house and my ordeal maybe took 5mins so I would've had a great time recorded in riding.... I'm sorry to the lady I hit but it was both our faults she wore all black and I was going fast hmmmm

Work has been quiet with the boss away sick. We have been busy and have had lots of situations but otherwise handled it. I finally got rid of something that was back there for a year and now my work area is a little cleaner. We shall see how long that lasts.

-- Posted from my iTouch

Open arms

2010-04-08T20:31:00.001-07:00

Yesterday my daughter Chloe got an award for participating in a water conservation poster project. Her ceremony was at the Rosamond High School gym which I haven't been there in forever, I think the last time I was there was when my friend was a senior in HD and Tehachapi played them in basketball hahah wow like in 93 ugggg and I live in Rosamond now heheheh.

Bike ride went smooth my sickness still looms but it seems I am making better time. It took me roughly around 30 mins again but my throat still hurts and I have that lingering cough uggg. Mut my legs feel good and my cardio is getting better so that's a plus. This morning I did wear shorts which wasn't that bad till I got to Tehachapi then I froze my ass off. I knew I would be but the weather is getting warmer and it was time to start the shorts. On payday I might get the bike rack and backpack so I can start to bring lunch and a change of clothes ya smart John hahaha.

Chatting with one of my friends last night she pointed out my witty humor which to myself I don't see it but I guess others are aware of it. One person wanted to make a fan page for me on Facebook hahah that would be funny but anyway we were talking and I brought up leg pit sweat hahaha we all have it don't we??? In fact since I was teasing her about it on my ride this morning I seemed to be more conscious about it. I had that same legpit sweat I was so going on about.... It happens to the best of us or maybe the worst hahahah!!!

-- Posted from my iTouch

Wake up...

2010-04-08T03:45:00.001-07:00

My bike ride seems to be getting easier as the days go on. Week two almost in the bag and my conditioning is improving. Minus the rides home of course those are hit and miss due to my roommate picking me up or that one day it almost took me two hours to walk home uggg. This morning however was a little inspirational due to the fact that the mornings are gonna get darker cuz the moon isnt full anymore. What was good about it is i usually just focus on the road and peddle my heart out but this mornimg i actually looked up into the sky and saw the stars. Now in the desert away from city lights the sky is so clear at night and u can see everything. If you look close enough you can see satelites moving which is really neat. But anyways the ride under the stars made me appreciate what I'm doing, even thou it was very cold it made the ride a little more enjoyable. My legs are feeling it and my cardio is getting up there. I feel pretty good.

The bus was pretty full this morning with almost all rows of seats taken by one person. What was funny was to people went in the back of the bus a guy and a woman and when the guy sat down the girl sat next to him, he then got back up did a hmmphff sound and sat somewhere else..... I'm not sure they knew each other but he seemed irritated. The stories filled my head as to different scenarios. He didn't take out the trash this morning. She didn't give good head at the bus stop. She smelt like fish that was rotten heheheh. Or my favorite they were Porno time travelers that weren't suppose to have sex on the bus yet cuz there were to many people and if they crossed streams it would be unholy..... Ya that did pop in my head and I giggled.

The couple people I blocked from my Facebook still haven't realized I have done such she hasn't mentioned anything in fact she said my posts are funny....... How would she know she's been block for like two weeks now ugggg annoying I swear.

-- Posted from my iTouch

Hooked up yet??

2010-04-06T16:27:00.000-07:00

The question was poised to me last night "how come you're not hooked up yet?" hmmmm I often wonder that myself. Well it's simple I guess not really looking for anything right now to settle down. Mainly trying to get my own life together. Ya living with my ex isn't a suitable conversation with any potentials or now not even having a car. Ugggg but yes my entourage of friends ask me this question. Who are you gonna date who is this lucky girl gonna be..... Pfft. I did have a couple friends with benefits which seemed fine by me but going to bed alone is more and more becoming apparent. The thought of snuggling and holding her at night is missing. Yes to have that companionship and dependability would be great, But my mindset isn't ready yet for that. Yes I want it but not right now and who knows when. Que sera sera...

Yesterdays bike ride home was bare-able. I almost rode all the way with maybe walking for about 10% of it. The wind wasn't that bad and the music fit. Wasn't that depressed and the kids were at scouts so they couldn't pick me up. Which was fine......!

-- Posted from my itouch

Bottom of the cup

2010-04-05T20:48:00.001-07:00

It's interesting to me to find a topic or even a title for this blog. Today it kinda fit the mood. Most of the time I'm looking around at whatever has writing on it and then I'll just put it down in the title bar but this morning I was having my cup of coffee getting ready to blog when I noticed today's title. Bottom of the cup.... Yes lately it has been just that. Life throws you some intersting curveballs and recently my life is experiencing such a thing. My car broke saving money for that. I got a ticket need money for that. The house infested with mice and no one seems to care need money for that. The kids are not comprehending the things I have told them. Yes they are kids but hopefully soon before it's to late they will get it. Life is really sucky at the moment and with all this time now to ride my bike and walk home due to it being to windy to ride, my mind tends to wonder. Why am I here??? Yes to lead my children to a better understNding to growing up but why else?? Yes I wander aimless thru these waters of self doubt. Am I falling into my state of depression again?? I can't just leave anymore, I'm stuck at the house. I have been asked to go many places but atlas I can't. This should give me the incentive to save to get this car working again but I just don't see it yet. On to top it off I started to block certain people from my Facebook. Why?? At the time I just didn't want to deal with them anymore. Their life has gon to the better and me I have been spinning on a downward motion and a little out of control. Last Friday I kinda caught the glimpes of the bottom of the cup. It wasn't pretty. The thoughts of suicide and mind numbing situations plagued my head. Being sick didn't help either. My weekend nonetheless was spend in bed contemplating life and yes I rudely yelled at my children to punish them of the acts they needed to be corrected on. What I'm trying to say??? I'm not sure I know anymore but I know I'm still alive and made it to work on this chilly Monday.

Today is a brand new day, how will it fare?? However I lead it, I'm guessing my day will go uneventful till I have to ride home then the toughts will begin again. Monkey see monkey do!! Rather be dead than cool... Listening to Nirvana...

For my birthday I might be heading up to Seattle. I have never been there and have a couple friends there but I probably won't see them. Kinda antisocial trip, bit what's neat I think is that it will be by train. I have been looking online at the different prices and they seem reasonable so we shall see. Or..... I might get a computer of some sort uggg I should just do the responsible thing and save the monies ugggg

-- Posted from my iTouch

2010-04-03T11:38:00.001-07:00

Testing a picture i made on my iTouch heheheh-- Posted from my iTouch

Zip lock bags

2010-04-03T08:36:00.001-07:00

Today is the last day of this employee that has worked for awhile now that i really haven't chatted with till recently. She is very zanny and funny and wow a...... Ya I'll keep that thought to myself. Anyways said my goodbyes and away she went.

Yesterday I didn't ride the bus cus I assumed that it was gonna snow so my roommate let me use the car. Which I really to appreciate it, I do need to get her something to show thanks and that has yet to be determined. The bus was rather quiet this morning and the bike ride actually cleared my runny nose and cough.... Bizarre I know but as I waited for the bus to arrive a chill came about me and my nose opened up to drip central ugggg. I reloaded my iPod with mellow music for my bike ride. Is this a sign of me getting older?? Yes I like my occasional gwar or Manson but lately it's been this emo rock stuff like owlcity or just soft like Amy winehouse, weezer, of Montreal hmmmm maybe I'm going thru something emotional that is taking over my subconsciousness. My friend from work has made me start listening to journey again haha. I forgot how kewl they are.....

The bus actually full on the way home the roommate will have a babysitting chore to do so no picking me up and it's rather windy uggg.....

-- Posted from my iTouch

Changing of power

2010-03-31T20:27:00.001-07:00

Kinda cold this morning with the bike ride but the wind was at my back most of the time which made for an easy ride. My legs are feeling it though uggg but hopefully this will work out for my own good. My wind is coming back or at least I can feel it coming back. Just my legs are needing the conditioning.

So getting to work this morning was a bit cold but I noticed that our pro dept has gotten new uniforms. Which is fine at first but after a couple days I've noticed an attitude change in both parties. They used to have regular uniforms just like the rest of us. Everyone at the store is equal and work under one roof with the same purpose. Now they stand out as an image of we are better. Yes they do pull in more money than most departments but they are here for the same company I work for. As they walk thru the break room I notice the new look and instantly thought oh I want one but then followed by why do they get new uniforms and we don't?? And across the uniform states they are professionals hmmmm aren't we all??? I'm seeing a we bit of segragation here. Not just from me but others as well. It just labels them to not deal with the little piddle patter departments or customers won't approach them cuz they aren't in normal uniform attire hmmmmm.

-- Posted from my iTouch

Rejected....

2010-03-31T03:58:00.001-07:00

Fuck that shit ugggg riding my bike home was hell. It's gradually uphill and the wind is a bitch. I made it home in 45mins and I ended up going to bed late so I am kinda tired boooo. But I did have a wonderful conversation with a coworker.

She is an amazing person, ya her looks are beyond good but her spunk and openness is amazing. Anyways she was opening up to me about past relationships and how she opens her heart only to be stabbed. Now she is bitter towards dating and has a huge wall erected towards any male. Now this makes me wonder why do we males continue to do this? Why do we torture ourselves with the constant barrage of selfishness and self doubt over relationships? Yes the sex may be good or the conversations are great but it's temporary. Why do we get so bored so easily.
-- Posted from my iTouch

Break room

2010-03-29T22:37:00.001-07:00

Hmmm well today is the first day I rode my bike to work and let me tell you..... Wow am I out of shape ugggg. Doing such a thing has reminded me of my inability to forward myself in life. Yes it's depressing to know I have to ride a bike to work and I have to ride a bus but it's a scar reminder if getting things done as I shouldve. One thing thou is that in a couple weeks I'll be in some awesome shape because that initial ride was ugggg. The heat and the wind will be my next obsticle we will see.

Riding today has brought many thoughts to my head. The fact that I need almost 5grand to pay for a new transmission and to payoff my traffic ticket. Why must there be a barrier in my way to accomplish my goals hmmmm??? Anyways also borrowing my ex car to much might prove to leave a sour note in our relationship. Something I don't want to go bad. Yes I still live with her and she has her own life but I don't want to deter that. So many things I could accomplish if I was fixed. In due time I suppose.

-- Posted from my iTouch

I ain't faking this!!

2010-03-25T21:34:00.001-07:00

The word pussy was brought up a lot these past few days. Mostly used in reference to pussywillow but most people have to agree that pussy was the key word here for the sudden rise in giggledom. Now I haven't looked up the orgin yet so this is my representation of what I know. So far growing up it was mostly used as a feline friend a pussy cat now why on earth would you name a cat after a female vajayjay??? Boggles my mind and I am sure you soon forget when as a kid you find out the mostly used meaning you tend to forget what other uses are. But ya a pussycat....
Or ever a pussy willow?!?! Now I have heard of this and used it a couple times but I am not exactly sure what it looks like or what it's purpose. Just that looming word pussy. Now when I found out what it was I was curious of course was it hairy? Did it have some sort of plant like substance growing from it? Did it purr or make meow sounds!?!? Hmmm I remember coming across some playboys my dad had laying around in the spare bedroom and the stories I read in there explaining to me the many uses of such a thing. Wow was I blown away... A clitoris a snatch a vagina cunt tuna town whatever it may be it was the holyest of holes and a destination for a cock (a male chicken WHAT?!?) and yes I saw many pictures of such pussy in these magazines. Shaved, hairy, landing pad, patch, striped the list goes on and on. As I got older I saw my share of such things and still wonder why they were referred to as farm animals bit that is still a mystery to me. Till I look it up of course which maybe soon.

-- Posted from my iTouch

Converse hightops

2010-03-25T02:49:00.001-07:00

Wow the bus is full today. I actually had to sit up front. I remember in grade school it was a cool thing to sit in the back of the bus. Away from athority and a sense of freedom from the watching eye. Even thou I never did much to get in trouble I have had my share of watching it go down. People getting to second base, drugs and cheating on the art test..... That is for another blog. Anyways me riding the bus again has brought back many memories of do so in high school. Such as sleeping on the bus under the seats talking about experiences kissing girls and other things. I did get a bus ticket for flipping up a girls shirt and for not sitting down. I rode the bus in Vegas a couple times and in Hawaii. The Hawaii bus is how we got around and one time missed the bus on the way home so had to sleep on the beach of Wikki. Ya we got in trouble but it's forever a memory lodged in my head. Most of my bus trips are from away games for basketball, one time in Rosamond our bus got rocked by the opposing team cuz we kicked their ass so bad hahaha.

But today the bus is filled with some interesting people going to ridgecrest. I am not sitting in the maim seats but the side chairs instead. Across from me is a young gal looks like her mid twenties but she has these interesting converse hightops that she keeps kicking me with. Ugggg should I say some or just type away and ignore her. Now she's asking for my attention. Brb

Hmmm she tried as for smokes which I don't have any. She has these piercings on her upper lip that looks pretty off the wall but I guess that's the style. Next me is a guy talking about how he discovered uranium and is arguing with himself when he discovered it.... I'm not sure about this trip thou very entertaining. The lady behind me looks like she was in a fire and her face didn't make it. Must be hard for her. Anyways till we meet again this bus trip will go to the story books

-- Posted from my iTouch

Tell me a story....

2010-03-20T08:40:00.001-07:00

So my son wrote me a story and it was so funny. His creative banter is amazing to me and with that I started to show him how to draw. He is fascinated at my artistic skills and showing him how to do it was fun because he soaked it up like a sponge. The story was about a piece of cheese that was looking for someone to eat him. He then traveled to china to find a boy to eat him...... First of all I was giggling hehehehe then was mesmerized by his story telling. He was so enthralled by telling me this and he added more. I might draw a comic about this.

The bus had a guy in a ski mask this morning that scared my coworker hahaha I was laughing

-- Posted from my iTouch

Depression is a bitch

2010-03-18T18:17:00.001-07:00

Depression started to sneak up on me yesterday. No car, hardly any money, depending on my ex for a ride to the bus-stop and other things. After battling it for so long and finally getting to a comfortable spot something pops up to lure me back in the messy mix. Not wanting to talk to anyone, I even didn't want to talk to Valkyrie sigh.... I really need to move on from that but it's a whole different story. Anyways walking alone from the bus stop to work in the dark just tells me I need to get this fixed right away. This weekend I'll get a bike to make my trip easier but not better. Hmmmmm. I hate myself right now, how can I let this happen?? I don't have any real friends to hang with just the ones I have online my friend Anne is moving far away to Italy and the others have lives of thier own. I guess I'm just a cry baby at the moment and looking for help but it's nothing they can do cept give a smile. It's just something I have to deal with.

When on my road-trip across the USA I remember stopping in Oklahoma. Driving across the deserts of Arizona, New Mexico and Texas, Oklahoma is were it was starting to get green. I've lived in the deserts of California for so long that just the sight of green everywhere kinds lofted my spirits. Yes it may sound goofy but brown and drab yellowish greys just reminded me of my failures. Nikki once told me that once you change your surroundings then you will realize what you left behind and what you will now become. I wish she was around to give me advice again..... Driving into Oklahoma my eyes widened and the curiosity in me was bursting out. My world was crumbling around me yet I still found something to make me keep going. Do I need to go on another trip? I think so, just to rethink my future.

The bus ride last night was funny. One guy had to goto the bathroom so bad, so the driver let him off real quick to go. Once off all the passengers made fun of him. It made for a good laugh for apparently he has been troublesome since he began his trip. Plus I got a sticker for it being st Patricks day heheheh

-- Posted from my iTouch'n

Hmmm is this a childrens ward??

2010-03-18T18:16:00.000-07:00

Hmmm so getting on the bus today for my ride home I saw like five children under five years old all sick and snotty nosed touching everything and crying hmmm. Now I have kids and always taught them respect about property and others but these kids touched everyone that came on and asked for something. It was rather sad cuz the parent or guardian was asleep and these children were spreading their sickness to anyone that came aboard this moving box of contamination. My stomach turns as I'm watching these kids wipe their nose on everything. Omg!! This can be an easy way to spread a bio-hazard. There are actually two pretty girls on here but one of them cussed out her mom and dad on her baby's daddy within a Five minute span. She made it known to all of us. It's a shame cuz now I'm worried how the baby she is carrying is gonna be like when she grows up.

Hehehe I did it!!! I became accepted to the weirdo club of the bus echelon!! I fell asleep in my chair and caught myself drooling..... I fit in yay!!!

-- Posted from my iTouch

Is this me??

2010-03-17T22:08:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was my first day taking advantage of the public transportation. Yes the same transit system that was often deemed the lonely poor mans way around. This I have different thoughts on. Yes I get to work an hour early and I save a ton of gas in doing so but the mere social aspect of it can go both ways. I don't have a car right now due to transmission failure so this is my only viable option. Unfortunately it's 7 miles from my house so the thought of purchasing a bike is likely. This comes at a time where my health has been thought of and running, eating right and taking better care of myself was being planned. Now that said car is diabled my excerise will be apparent and my other goals will follow. Yes this will save the money needed to fix my car. I expect this will happen for about two to three months which might be a burden for my roommate.

The bus rides have been interesting to say the least. The mornings have been quiet, only a couple people here and there. And what appears to be a few college students for Bakersfield, other than that the morning rides are quiet. The afternoon rides are different, at least there is Internet service at the bus stop and I can be occupied while waiting. Yesterday what made me giggle is that one guy that has headphones on listening to his favorite music only to make sure he tells everyone else what he's listening to. Seriously?? The bus is a karaoke on wheels?? I continued to laughed to myself because he only said key chorus words out loud which made the song even more unbearable. Ugggg the occational "g" or "bitch" made the trip go a little quicker. The many thoughts running through my head to shut this guy up and or how I can market this for my retirement plan hmmmm. As time goes on I guess I will find things to occuipy my mind for this hour long trip. This morning I had my iPod and after I get a bike illnhave my backpack full of goodness who knows what I can do.

Well I think I will blog my bus trips and the adventures I will be having these next couple of days. How I got here and where I'm going. And besides I have new interests to chat about. Twitter has been good to me these last couple of days, interesting people to say the least.

-- Posted from my iTouch

2009 in retrospec part 3

2010-03-10T04:10:00.001-08:00

Nikki
This past year Nikki passed away due to a drunk driver late one night before her birthday.... I miss her so much, we got along so well and enjoyed the same things it was almost to perfect of a situation. It's hard writing about someone you have enjoyed time with. So many things were left unsaid, feelings not expressed, stones left unturned. During the summer time her mother gave me her diary that she kept, I was skeptical at reading it but it was given to me for a reason.

She kept of course the intimate details of our relationship but what got my all choked up was the times we spent driving on our roadtrips to nowhere. I guess that's why I still love doing them because the sense of freedom and to clear my mind. Now thou I think of her when I do drive. I guess a part of me will never forget her. I loved how she wrote about our trip to Hawaii. Just a spur of the moment thing and relaxing there on the beach for days. Hmmm yah I miss Nikki but I have learned from her that yes I can move on. I can write many other stories about her. But I think that's a chapter in my book that I'll keep to myself. She was amazing.

-- Posted from my iTouch

Why......

2010-02-04T22:23:00.000-08:00

I don't understand why I always go back for disappointment. She is to pretty for me she knows way to many people and just just..... Uggg why???? I even didn't talk to her for two weeks to try and just let her go but my curiousity slapped me in the face and bam I'm back in the loop of things.... And I'm suppose to be her friend and I know that's really hard to do going from something we shared to friends but she says things that drive me to want to go on and continue this. Now I'm not sure if this is on purpose or what but sheeesh.... Now I'm just a mess again. My feelings are exploding and thoughts of being with her are driving me coocoo. Is she teasing me or is this just a ploy for her to slowly ease me in hahah ya right. It's crazy I can talk to any other of my friends but when it comes to Valkyrie she drives me bonkers....

Putting that aside and trying to ween myself to being just her friend I have been talking to Texas quite a bit and I think but not sure that there might be something there. Not gonna hold my breath but we will see.

-- Posted from my iTouch

All good things must come to an end!!! or should they......

2010-01-13T01:17:00.000-08:00

I think today was the defining point of my relationship with Valkyrie, we had a long conversation about who we are and what we meant for each other, i know she has moved on and is happy as to were she is in her life and i am glad, yes i am jealous of the person she is with but one thing i know for sure is that we have still stayed friends thru this and that is important. However, i have learned a lot from this infatuation, I have learned that the power of words can effect how people think and yes someone considered me a smooth talker and such, but all im doing is being nice. i guess to nice for some. The one thing that i made me think twice about approaching someone i like is that i need to be more consistant, I had a chance with Valkyrie and i blew it, she was very interested in me and i set it aside. WHY?? what was i thinking......... I have my reasons and therefore Valkyrie is 'the one that got away' sigh.....
She did bring up a good point, i never talked about my current dating statuses with her, maybe it was just to keep her interested in me maybe just didnt think it was important, whatever the case maybe she is curious now...... Why?? hmmm not sure but i started to share....... I saw a curious person but i was willing to open up to her about that.

Im still optimistic thou, who knows what will happen, i remember first talking to her and we agreed on one thing "things happen for a reason"

No Holding Back.......

2009 in Retrospec part 2

2009-12-31T21:42:00.000-08:00

Valkyrie

I met her awhile back in 2008 and something wonderful happened, like ive said before she was kinda the first gal i talked to that let me know that i can move on, after my failed marriage i was confused and just looking for something. She came along in my life and i broke that quietness that i had for the longest time. ive expressed that artistic talent that laid dormant for so long, i had the words to make her melt and want more, someone actually listening to me and enjoying my company !! she was later deemed the girl i could never have, she fit my description of a dream girl. but thats the thing, the dream girl only in my dreams.... never real for me to obtain just there. thou i could text her and chat with her on the phone and thats the closest i could get. the closest i wanted to get. Yes there were plenty of times that i couldve met her in person, heck she hangs with my best friend but i just couldnt bear the fact of disappointment that bares on me. Even thou she would look past that, i am still not sure.

2009 brought some bad news, well not bad but happy and disappointing, she was actually in love with a friend of mine and i was happy for her cuz the sadness she had with her previous life has purpose now and he was it. I think that delaying my efforts with her only proved to kick myself. That is why shes the one i can never have. Learning from previous mistakes I cannot attempt to to engage like i wanted to and its becoming frustrating. but you never know and she likes my confidence heheh. We are still friends and I believe this year our eyes will lay upon each other for the first time. what will happen?? only time will tell... I wish her well for this 2010 and hope she gets what she wants. ME?!?!?! hahaha ok dreaming again....

2009 in retrospec part 1

2009-12-31T17:57:00.001-08:00

2009 is about to come to a close and let me tell you, this year has been up and down for me personally, the death of my girl friend the ups and downs with Valkyrie, moving and the progression of friends on twitter. So many new names now and so many people to call friends. Also this will mark year 3 that i havent talk to my best friend of 25+ years and i believe its turning out to be a evolution for me. The lonely nights are becoming less and work is actually keeping me sane. My biggest move in at the end of the year has to be moving back in with my ex....

The Ex

When i was getting fed up with my mom for living there that is, i needed to move on and get ahold of my life, yes i thank her for giving me shelter when i moved back to California but i know i over stayed my welcome. I needed to move out before things got worst in the aspect of my moms relationship with her boyfriend. She was stressing out about me and it was effecting them. So not prepared to move out yet my Ex out of the blue offered for me to stay.... NOW... many people finds this wierd but it was a option that was good at the moment and besides, I get to see my kids and wake up with my kids. that was a major plus but you ask what about your ex and you.... Well we have gotten past our differences and worked out that yes we love each other but not in the way we did when we married. We have children together and need to raise them, show them role models and guide them, well i like to think anyways. I am sure she is on the same boat. This move is only temporary, till i get my tax return then its off to start my new life by myself and alone. My ex and I get along, she likes that there is an adult around to talk to and she can go out without getting a baby sitter, yes she kinda has a boyfriend and im happy she has moved on. The one thing that i dread looking forward to is leaving here again, my kids will be devestated and i am not sure this will be a good thing.....

Simply they say......pfft

2009-12-02T22:03:00.000-08:00

Well this week has been a dozzy, managed to piss off Valkyrie, KinKin has been slowly fading away and my florida friend thought i was into her.... hahaha Things are ok now but i did manage to slip away from Valkyrie this past thanksgiving, which I dont know how much longer I can do that without hurting things, Just not ready to see her yet. NOW comes the true test of holding back, after seeing my roommate naked i just cant fight the urges to wonder what if??? Ugggh the temptations are there and i must resist....

My Florida Friend wrote me a really long sweet email yesterday, that kinda put things in perspective as to what i am doing and what i want....

Kate asked me to Sadie Hawkins

2009-11-27T17:16:00.001-08:00

I would like to keep this blog going so here we go. Little miss s t Louis has been coming around a lot lately and it's kinda been fun. Thou I'm still afraid to start anything with only on the merit of her job. I have my kids to consider and my sanity hehe. The friends I have made on tweeter have also been supportive as well, and kinkin is an awesome friend, maybe too awesome..... She is almost everything I want in a person, she's positive happy loving and caring loves to smile and laugh and is beautiful sigh....... But she is taken. I don't know why I tourture myself but I know I have now made a great friend in the process. I wish her the best.

-- Posted from my iTouch

RAWR RAWR!!

2009-11-11T01:23:00.000-08:00

Hmmm where has the time gone??? Its been almost 2 years since ive have moved out on my own, well with my mom and i am pretty sure its time to be on my own.... The options are there but the funds need a little more saving for me to even survive. I have faith in myself to overcome this obstacle. Just my sense of adventure always pulls me aside and distracts me hehehe.

As for my friends that I have met over the past year, I do have to say I have met some interesting people. Kinkin being one of them, I'm not even sure where to begin on this one but I do know she makes me smile And appreciates life around me. I really would like to find someone out there like her but unfortunately kinkin is taken. Why I continue to flirt with her is beyond me but it's fun and she likes it. I do however seem to talk to her forever which was something that lacked in my previous marriage. Funny how that works out. Valkyrie is still around but seldomly on to chat with only because I work odd hours but she did seem interested to see me this past weekend. Who am I kidding!!

The question that I have been asked lately is "John why aren't you out there dating??" hmm good question but one that I have been thinking about recently a lot. Now I'm not sure if these girls are asking just to try something with me or not. Not good yet at reading women but then again who is?!?! Kinkin has been amazing at trying to see who would or not, even thou I rather it be her hehehe. More on this later

Need to move on!!!

2009-08-18T05:19:00.001-07:00

Last night I realized that the things I have been doing have just been making things worse... What sucks is that my previous life keeps coming back to haunt me and I don't like it. I am happy now but when old memories that I have put away and moved on from keep poking me in the back it's time to just let it go all together. I have made some new friends that I really enjoy and they to like my company. The whole Nikki thing has been hard to deal with by myself but have managed for the most part. And last night talking to Valkyrie I realized why am I still chasing a lost cause??? She is happy now for the most so ya.....

This weekend proved that I was chicken shit to see Valkyrie!! But it also brought closure to an ongoing crush. After finding out why she has shyed away from me it totally made sense. I'm not mad but a sense of sadness is looming around, but at the same time I'm happy for her!! So then what did I do wrong??

This weekend I also treated myself to a movie. 500 days of summer.... I'm actually gonna put this movie in my top ten favorites of all time!! Only probably cuz it has opened up a lot about relationships and kinda mirriored what I'm going thru. I met this girl fell for her and she moved on only to put me in the realization that she isn't the last thing in my life, her ability to spark my creative and passionate mind to work has proved her to be vital in my ongoing quest to be happy. If that makes sense.... I think I still have a chance but that's also the optimist talking in me. In my marrige I gave up and procrastinated so much it became the normal thing, I hated it!! Now it's getting better to not do that and I think I've become a way better person. Anyways Valkyrie has found that special someone and has moved on, and now I'm sitting there in friend status.... More on that later

This weekend also made me uncomfortable about being around my old home with the kids, even thou my kids were sick I still had the chance to run into my old friend, I've decided to just move on from that and don't look back anymore. What happened happened and it's just unwanted emotion to deal with.

-- Post From My iTouch

Nevermind!!! blarg!!!

2009-08-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

After the loss of a really close friend this past year, I've been thinking about all the friends that i have gathered since I've separated from my wife. Facebook and twitter has really help in my transition and have gained some great people to call 'friends' The loss of Nikki really bothered me more so now than when it really happened. That person i could confide in and let lose of all my emotions is gone, that person i could laugh to about my frustrations and get advice towards my ever-going saga with Valkyrie is gone... After reading the journal that her mom gave me it showed another side of Nikki that i kinda knew but now know in a full understanding of her pain. She loved me and loved me like no other, the comments i made of Valkyrie made her stumble and she tried to grasp onto me but couldn't because i was so wrapped into my own journey.

Destroy my Sweater

2009-07-14T00:17:00.000-07:00

It amazes me the people that I talk to and the advice they give, I've had plenty of chances to to destroy my morals and values but yet again that nice guy in me prevailed. My friend Anne is so out there I'm sometimes intimidated by her looks and her outgoing personality. The short time that I did date her was fun but I knew she wanted more, unfortunately for me I was in the aftermath of my very longterm but failed marrige. Ya!!! More on that later..... Anyways my relationship with Nikki I think has put Anne in some sort of jealousy type of mood.... Now dealing with that has become sort of uncomfortable, with the recent breakup with her boyfriend she has been clingy to me. Yes I do care for her but I'm not sure if I wanna get into another relationship with her. What I do miss is hanging out with my old friends, something I know that will probably never happen again, yay I screwed up that one bad but I know the price I paid for what I did.... I'm just afraid to run into him again now because he lives next to my kids.... Anyways

What I do need to do is start writing again..... Need to earn more money for my trip. Hmmm could a friendship bloom into something more?? Who knows.

-- Post From My iTouch

Poor Zoe

2009-07-11T02:39:00.000-07:00

I lie here in bed with my daughter hoping things will get better, she is getting up periodically to throw up and it's starting to worry me. Makes me wonder what she's doing over there or is this just a bug she just got from someone whatever the case may be she is sick im im here to take care of her. It's been awhile since I've seen Zoe sick, it's usually one of the other two...

This weekend I have my kids, we had some pretty gnarly adventures planned but now with this recent epidemic we might have to alter them... It's ok that's what parents do. And I miss doing such things, I remember when we first seperated I was confused and not all there and said some pretty mean things about myself and my failures of being a father, I look now each and everyday to that time to see my kids again. Do they miss me?? When I see them they seem too but when I'm not around they don't call or make an effort, sometimes I wonder about that. People still ask me if I would ever go back... I think there's an understanding now between us that things were meant to be like this and we need to live our lives seperated. I am happy now but I am sad that I don't get to see them as much as I would like too.

As for me, I think I'm still self-conscious about myself and act like a dumb ass in person. Recently I met up with this very bright and beautiful person, but in the back of my mind my self doubt was trying to over whelm me. I still chat with this person and were suppose to get a bite to eat so we will see how that goes....

Also my friend B invited me to her Bday party!!! I wanted to go because first of all I would get to meet up with B and her hubby and second she is trying to set her bff up with me. I have chatted with her recently and she seems really kewl, just bad timing on my part with the kids and all. One day we will meet but not this weekend.

And as for Anne, she is getting better, her loss of a friend has settle down and the recent break up with her bf has made the transition smoother. Yes we miss our Nikki but things need to move on and remember the good times we shared. I recently aquired Nikki's journel from her mom and it was an interesting read.... I didn't realize that her feelings for me were that strong and her thoughts were so vivid. The attention to detail almost scares me. "I love the way his heart beats in unison with mine as I lay upon his chest, not worrying about the world around me just captivated by his creative thought and boyish charm." wow I miss her....

-- Post From My iTouch